2016 will go down in history as my worst year ever. And one of the planet's worst too. I'm so relieved it's finally over. For me the sudden death of M has haunted the whole year, even if the grief process doesn't come to an end just because the clock chimes 12 on New Year's Eve you shouldn't underestimate the symbolic power of being able to close the door to an awful year.
In a few months only it's a year since he passed. A year. A whole year. That's nothing short of crazy. I still find it unbeliveable that people who've meant so much to us can just be snatched away from one day to the other without prior notice. They're just gone, no chance of goodbye. Suddenly the only thing left is memories.
Amidst all the sorrow, worry and stress of the year that was it was also a year that forced me to take a good, hard look at myself and my life, continue to cultivate resilience, make changes, reinvent myself. Something that is an ongoing process obviously. But it was a year of growing up, in many ways. And part of that growing was the lovely Schwarzwald trip - yes I'm well aware of that I have yet to write something more substantial about that experience. Stay tuned.
I've also realised that the people I call(ed) friends and family are much fewer than I thought. It's an uncomfortable part of the sorrow process to realise that you really don't matter that much to those people, that those so called friends have evaporated because apparently the words 'supportive', 'care' and 'kindness' aren't part of their vocabulary and lifestyle. And some of them have in fact been plain nasty. Nothing like the death of a loved one to get people to show their true colour.
Clearly I need to find some new friends. And see the above mentioned ones as acquiantances, people I once met on the path of life, they may not have been reliable in the long run, they still meant something then but not anymore.
On the other hand I'm deeply grateful for the other part of the social coin during the rough year that was, people and the few friends who have gotten in touch regularly with kind and encouring comments, letters, postcards, emails and offers to talk, suggestions of reads, jobs, possible clients. Some of these things have been surprising and very special. Thank you, thank you, thank you. From the bottom of my heart.
Now I'm looking forward to a wonderful fresh year full of amazing possibilities and new beginnings. Dreams and visions. It feels exciting, it's an important year, so much needs to happen, must happen. I will make it happen, you will make it happen, we will all make it happen, right? Right.
Happy, prosperous, meaningful,
kind, compassionate, peaceful
and inspired year
to all earthlings ~
to all earthlings ~