Tuesday, April 25, 2017

do you want spagetti or macaroni?

cherry blossom, kungsträdgården stockholm, april 2017

After a really busy month, as well as naturally emotionally month, I've realised that despite coming a long long way this last year I now need professional grief counselling. It has been a year of getting myself through a day, week, month at a time. And some days have been great, they really have. But there have also been many days when I've been playing the role of normal, brave and strong. Despite feeling far from.

I have accomplished a lot, grown so much, over this year. But with all the practical things I've been forced to deal with I haven't really had the time to process the grief as such. At least it doesn't feel like that now, I feel emotionally stuck. More melancholic than ever. Even if some days still are really great.

But I feel that if I don't get professional help - sometimes there's only so much writing, talking with friends and cat cuddles can do to help - I will continue to feel blocked and unable to move emotionally forward. No matter how smart and analyzing cookie you are, sometimes you need a helping, listening, questioning hand that's able to give you the right tools and point you in a healthy direction.

So parallel to working and continuing to sort out practicalities - neverending story - this is my current project. Yes, looking at it as a project makes it easier somehow.

As far as the work is concerned I'm alas no closer to that illusive part time employment (as far as I know) but I have ticked off 3,5 of my 5 professional goals of the year, huzzah. More of that in another post I think. I've actually applied for a few full time jobs too, because they've sounded great as well as flexible. Turned out at least one wasn't flexible at all, despite what they claimed at the interviews, they wanted someone who was "passionate about working in an office and didn't need flexibility". Yes actual quote, really, in 2017. I'm glad I got away, we wouldn't have made eachother happy in the long run.

Oh, I feel I have lots of things to write about, but I also feel that this post should be mainly about being stuck in emotional cross roads of sorts. Simple daily sentences like "Do you want spagetti or macaroni for dinner?", who knew you one day would miss such mundane comments so much? Life is short, potentially much shorter than we could ever imagine, and I desperately want and need to get emotionally unstuck. There is no going back, there is only moving on.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

easter 2017 ~


Easter used to be my favourite holiday. But since M's death last year on Wednesday before Easter it is with very mixed emotions I enter this weekend. 

Since Easter this year is much later than last year I had hoped it would be easier, but unfortunately next week is his shoul-have-been birthday as well as date of funeral so well, it's not a very joyous time...

Some day it'll get easier, a year down the line not so much.

I got a very unexpected phone call yesterday with a possible offer of something - not work-related - that I hadn't thought of at this moment in time, but the more I think of the possibility the more it feels very right. I hope it will happen and that it will be as sweet as I imagine - perhaps I'll have some cute news to blog about next week.

Also, the cherry blossom trees are very early this year (due to some warm days in March, even if snow fell today...). It was a lovely, albeit cold, sight yesterday.

Hope your Easter is a joyful, kind and loving holiday, happy weekend!

Friday, April 07, 2017

the stockholm attack


I'm safe, everyone near and dear are safe.

It's a senseless attack, but not completely unexpected. I, the worrying kind, has indeed been worried about this for years now. I've shyed away from crowds and the underground ever since the Paris attack. I don't feel unsafe in the city in general of course, but self-preservation is a basic thing for me. Wherever I am. Even if you can never ever prepare for everything. Or other people's deplorable deeds. 

As far as confirmed news are concerned:
(writing this at 5.40 pm April 7, 2017)
A deliver truck was hijacked from outside a restaurant.
5 humans and 1 dog have lost their lives, several more are injured.
The first reports on gunmen and shootings are false.
Noone has been arrested.

Stay safe. 💙💛

Tuesday, April 04, 2017

happy carrot day


Since April 4th is International Carrot Day I dedicate this post to the humble, delicious and jampacked with awesomeness vegetable.

I eat carrots practically every day and I mostly enjoy them raw and grated, but grilled, roasted, soup, stew, pasta, wok, carrots in any shape is bliss as far as I'm concerned. And I don't think you have to suffer from the carrot defect to be like I...

What's your favourite carrot recipe?

Happy Carrot Day!

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