hello august

To be honest, it has not only been a Lovely Day, but a lovely week. Keep going in this awesome way, August, so far you've rocked!

Monday: started the week painting circus nails (it's been far too long) and I think the colour combination is just spot on adorable - from left Essie Lilacism + First Timer and Chanel May + Mimosa + Coco Blue.

Tuesday: had a great vegan lunch with a friend at a vegetarian/vegan/raw place I hadn't tried before (Hälsocafét). This is a delicious plate of noodle salad with pulled VegMe (a new Swedish soy protein brand) and peanut sauce. The iced oat latte on top is also from that day. Loved all the colours and our good chat. (Although that picture was taken about 5 seconds before the rain just poured down.)

That day I also got a call from a recruiter wondering if I'd like to come for an interview for a position in a fun startup. Of course I would! So that's booked for Monday. Full-time position, but flexible and independent work so hopefully I would be able to shape my role so it suits both them and me well. Fingers crossed for good vibes Monday.

So now I'm looking forward to not only one, but two interviews, for in their own different ways, awesome jobs. Lucky me.

Wednesday: I've been looking forward to a really great pedicure for so long now. It has been too long since last. This was bliss. My mum got M and me pedicure gift cards for Xmas - we used them for this more than well-deserved treat, mum and I. So if not there in person, M was with me in thought.

Afterwards we had planned to see an exhibition at the Modern Museum, which is now one of the museums with free entrance in Stockholm. But for some odd reason this exhibition had a hefty price and no, no I'm not that keen on seeing it. So we settled for a walk around the regular exhibitions and most of all a really memorable lunch. 

The fab museum restaurant serves a daily soup which is always vegan (I'm still amazed how fairly easy it is these days to find good plantbased food eating out. And even more amazed when it's not an exception but the rule. *Insert lots of hearts*). This day it was carrot and coconut, with a topping of croutons and roasted seeds. It was absolutely delicious. Spot on flavours and satisfying. The view that came with it didn't really hurt either. Such a wonderful summer Stockholm day it was. (Nb my Accidental Colour Coordination Syndrome showing again.)

Thursday: 99,99% of my time in public I use dresses or skirts. I feel restrained, uncomfortable and awkward in trousers. But since there would be quite a bit of heavy lifting and garbage recycling on Friday I took this ol' pair out on a test ride. I own 3 pair of pants, but the other two are in light linen so these are the only pair suitable for some kind of semi-hard labour. It was a reasonably painless experience wearing trousers again, but it's not something I'll do regularly ever again. Funnily enough though, my goal for the wee trousers outing was to pick up a skirt at the post-office.

Remember I wrote about a fantastic budgie skirt I'd seen, but that was out of my current price league? I've saved for it and when summer sales (at Bryony & Co, amazing vintage style clothes with lots of animal prints) came I went for it. Actually I wanted the navy one, not the pink but this was the only one sale so I went for it. It's absolutely gorgeous. 

But, a big but, the waist is much smaller than expected which makes the skirt much shorter on me so alas it needs to be amended to fit as I want (no larger sizes to chose from). Such a nuisance when sizes aren't what you expect, it's one thing when you can easily return it to the shop and it's a more average garment, quite another when it's a beauty like this plus a more hefty return fee. I'm really not capable of making the amendment looking professional myself so I guess I'll have to get it to a tailor asap. So despite the sales it will be a bit costly, the budgie skirt. But it'll be worth it. Isn't there a saying that the best things in the wardrobe don't come easy? And if there wasn't I've just coined it.

Friday: finally I got help transporting all those big, black garbage bags with mainly garden debris and the old kitchen sofa etc to the recycling station. The fact that I couldn't do it myself since it demanded a car, a trailer and an extra pair of willing hands has really been weighing me down. I have zero interest in socializing with my neighbours, saying hello passing by on the street is the only social level I'm fine with, so that wasn't/will never be an option. And finding friends that have a car/driver's licence, willing to add a trailer, living reasonably nearby, have the time, or for that matter inclination, to help that has not been easy. 

And yes, I don't like to ask for help, I want to be able to do everything myself. Having relied on M for things like this all these years, now not having that natural and obvious help anymore, has really brought out the Must. Do. Myself-feeling in abundance. In parts ridiculously so.

Independance is all good in general. But sometimes it also gets you stuck because once in a while you are not in a very practical way able to do it yourself. And then the seemingly insignificant things that are actually easily fixed can grow all out of proportion and laying themselves like heavy, wet blankets on your mind.

In the end I asked M's brother and he was happy to help. Which kind of surprised me given the aftermath and strange and unfair behaviour after M's passing... But I'm grateful for it and it felt incredibly good to get this done and removed from my back garden, from my life. That rubbish was so much connected with anger, resentment, sorrow and abandonement. Be gone.

And yes I'm still very much clueless, angry and sad that M's family - of which I'm apparently not considered a part after +26 years together... - have continously ignored my feelings and what M would have wished for me, kept me out of the loop. He would of course never ever have left me without a reasonable financial stability. 

The fact that I myself could have, should have made different choices now and then during all these years doesn't really help now. It only serves as a very important life lesson and promise to myself never to let that happen again. Which isn't as 'only', just not a practical solution here and now.

And even if there are a lot of exciting, promising things happening now, by my own doing, it would be such an incredible relief having that buffert sorted already. Garbages bags gone. Worries not yet. 

Friday was also the last day I had to take the replacement bus home. I celebrated that with a soy latte. And on the last little bit of regular bus ride from the station I noticed that that bus was a brand new biodiesel bus with both clever little smartphone chargers as well as free wifi. Better late than never, that's awesome. 

Then coming home to this sight is also soothing for the soul and mind. Cats, the poster beings for mindfullness and the everything will be alright-attitude. I'm blessed to be seriously surrounded by that.

Thank you for giving me such
a generally great first week
of your month, August, please
continue to be kind and awesome,
yours gratefully P.