do you want spagetti or macaroni?

After a really busy month, as well as naturally emotionally month, I've realised that despite coming a long long way this last year I now need professional grief counselling. It has been a year of getting myself through a day, week, month at a time. And some days have been great, they really have. But there have also been many days when I've been playing the role of normal, brave and strong. Despite feeling far from.

I have accomplished a lot, grown so much, over this year. But with all the practical things I've been forced to deal with I haven't really had the time to process the grief as such. At least it doesn't feel like that now, I feel emotionally stuck. I have lost my foothold. Feeling more melancholic than ever. Even if some days still are really great.

But I feel that if I don't get professional help - sometimes there's only so much writing, talking with friends and cat cuddles can do to help - I will continue to feel blocked and unable to move emotionally forward. No matter how smart and analyzing cookie you are, sometimes you need a helping, listening, questioning hand that's able to give you the right tools and point you in a healthy direction.

So parallel to working and continuing to sort out practicalities - neverending story - this is my current project. Yes, looking at it as a project makes it easier somehow.

As far as the work is concerned I'm alas no closer to that illusive part time employment (as far as I know) but I have ticked off 3,5 of my 5 professional goals of the year, huzzah. More of that in another post I think. I've actually applied for a few full time jobs too, because they've sounded great as well as flexible. Turned out at least one wasn't flexible at all, despite what they claimed at the interviews, they wanted someone who was "passionate about working in an office and didn't need flexibility". Yes actual quote, really, in 2017. I'm glad I got away, we wouldn't have made eachother happy in the long run.

Oh, I feel I have lots of things to write about, but I also feel that this post should be mainly about being stuck in emotional cross roads of sorts. Simple daily sentences like "Do you want spagetti or macaroni for dinner?", who knew you one day would miss such mundane comments so much? Life is short, potentially much shorter than we could ever imagine, and I desperately want and need to get emotionally unstuck. There is no going back, there is only moving on.