wednesday vortex

"hello my name is pia and this is my new facial expression"

The meeting last week went slightly better than expected. I thought we had talked things through (as much as one can, obviously I can't tell that woman everything I think about her and her job, she will never ever be able to nor interested in fully grasping how I feel and who I am).

Had a good talk with the CEO at the company - were I now work for free in order to turn things back into the job as a project manager I had for 24 hours - he understands how tricky it is to "keep the employment office people happy", and our goal to actually turn this into the job again seems viable. It really felt as if I was on the right track, it felt so good to actually again being able to talk to sensible people that you can have a normal conversation with. I even felt a ting of professional happiness.

For a couple of days I could begin relax again and look forward to something workable. Actually being in somewhat charge of my own life and actions again. But the next few days the administrator woman began bombarding me with emails of jobs I should apply for. Jobs I lacked qualifications for, jobs I didn't want, one of them would require nearly 5 hours commuting each day...

I have no idea why she is deliberately and very actively trying to destroy my chances for a job that actually seems decent, for all parties involved. It is just so distateful, pesty and completely lack common sense.

Clearly her behaviour isn't that of a sensible person - her last words to me last week was "you really should work on your sensitivity" meaning I'm too sensitive for my own good. Those words came from a woman that shamelessly wear fur coats, clearly she isn't familiar with compassion, the real sort - but knowing that and at the same time being at her mercy, in vain trying to explain how I feel and how I want things to work out for me, for measly (yet important) financial reasons... In short, that sucks.

No wonder I can't sleep, I worry all the time, the jaw tensions are worse again, I'm in tears more than I usually am, my stomach doesn't feel well, I'm angry, I'm sad, in despair. What sort of life lesson should I learn from this crap? I already knew that administrative authorities are brimming with witless petty kings and queens (I have also had them as colleagues for too many years), so what else is there to learn? Seriously?

Things could look rather nice, instead someone (who should have enough on her work plate as it is) is going out of her way to sabotage "nice". It feels like I'm living in some bizarre parallel universe of despicable weirdness. Therefore my new, pretty constant facial expression as seen above.