the meaning of 55

The major thing I've learnt this past week is that I am not willing to dance to the tune of clients that don't respect me, my skills, my time and only show appreciation when someone, I'd imagine, remind them they should. Too little, too late. To be honest my initial ship of great interest and passion sailed a couple of months ago.

What has driven me since has merely been the fact that I'm adamant to learn as much as possible and doing a great job. And not let anyone down, if I can help it. Now I'm just doing what I signed up for, being professional enough to hand over my part of the project in a fine shape for whomever will take over once my time in it reaches the end. Which will be by the end of February, can't wait. I'm just eager to start something new and exciting, whatever that may be.

Which is something I wish I didn't have to say, because project in question had every sign of being brilliant. And in this case my particular skill set is like a match made in colourful heaven for the job. Which isn't always the case, most of the time you may be a grand asset, but you can also be replaced with no great fuss. I'm curious how they'll sort this out, but I've also, finally, reached the detached phase and it isn't my problem anymore. I've done my part, and I have been angry, frustrated and sad half of the time.

Learnt loads, met fascinating people, had great fun, but at the end of the day, being appreciated, valued, respected and reasonably (not under-) paid are such important aspects too. And those aspects have not been met. Too late for that now. Moving on. Grateful for another important life lesson in the luggage. I would not have wanted to been without it. Because of the good good people also involved, the laughters, the sharing, the team and everything I've accomplished by challenging myself. But enough now.

The teamwork, when it was smooth operating, has been the thing I've treasured most and will miss dearly. But I do hope we'll work together with other projects in the future, with clients that appreciate hard work and know how to communicate.

It may not be a case of serfdom but close enough.

As a self-supporting, independent human being I obviously need to look after myself first and foremost, leaky roof or not. We all have to pay bills and put food on the table, run our own businesses without getting caught up in internal strifes that are not ours to deal with. Etc and so forth. Being happy and proud of our accomplishments, feeling appreciated. Communication, presence, authenticity. You know, the very basic needs in life.

I'm not sure what will happen from now on, professionally, yet. But I do know exactly what I want, which feels a bit a matter of fact strange actually. I won't divulge it in blog, I've only told a few trusted people including talking out loud to myself and the Universe. Yes, for some reason, things do become clearer and easier to sort out when you say things out loud, even when the (obvious) only one that hears it is yourself. I think I grasped how cathartic, inspiring, and emotional even, that is through the grief recovery process. And the Universe is listening, in some way or other. Things and people happen for a reason.

Which brings me to the meaning of 55.

You may remember I've attended a few seances the past 1,5 years. Of which two have been really very touching, the one in January last year quite mindblowing really. And again, completely anonymous and I'm not gullable. One of the written messages I got was the number 55. A number that has never had any special meaning to me, at that time, no year of birth, no age, no lucky number. There are still some messages that I have no idea what they mean, yet. And I may never know. But most of them have been revealed in some really surprising and unexpected ways during this past year. They have helped me to trust the process in a new way. Just when I needed it.

On July 27 2017 I had a brief text message discussion with a friend about the meaning of messages in general and numbers in particular. I was waiting in line at a cafe at the time and when it was my time to order I got number 55. (I remember the date because I took the picture above as a proof.) Which then obviously made me giggle a bit, nothing more.

But ever since it has been rather crazy, the amount of times the number 55 appears out of the blue. And it has intensified the last month, to an extent I now find to be somewhat disturbing. Walking down the street, suddenly I stand in front of doorway 55. How many things cost 55 SEK? In my life a lot of things apparently. How often do you look at the iPhone clock and it's 1.55, 2.55, 3.55, 5.55 ad infinitum? Obviously all the time.

How often do you wake up in the middle of the night, wondering what's the time and it's always .55 something? How often do you stand at traffic lights and the bus number 55 drives past? How many books and magazines do you open and it's at page 55? 55 view, 55 likes, 55 clicks, que tickets number 55, 55%. If I wasn't a reasonably sane and grounded person - but still open to the fact that there's so much more to life that meets the eye, dimensions our mostly limited and not fully used brains can grasp - I would probably feel somewhat haunted.

But, coincidences, life's little messages to say we are not alone. That I find to be a comforting notion.

And now I'm ready, more than ready, for the next phase in my life to begin. It's intriguing, exciting and a mystery waiting to be revealed. Bring it on, 2018. Where the Heart is.