goodnight sweet pelle, 2005 - 2021

Yesterday caught me completely by surprise and deep sorrow. My darling Pelle, who turned 16 a couple of weeks ago, is no more. And the circumstances of his demise are bizarre, unexpected and so unfortunate in a way that only deepens the sorrow.

When I got home yesterday afternoon, I opened the door to the garden, letting the furry gang outside for some sun and fresh air. Pelle went to his favourite sun trap in the scillas behind the lilacs hedge for a cosy nap. 

A few hours later everyone but Pelle had come inside. I went out to see where he was hiding and called for him. To no avail. 

When he was a young chap he regularly found his way up the tree, over to the garden shed and then made his way out on adventures unknown. During the early days he made me crazy with worry where he’d gone roaming, but as there clearly was no way of stopping him from not doing his neighbourhood rounds (but for never letting him out into the fenced in garden at all) I kind of settled with trusting he’d always found his way back home to us.

As an old gentleman the running away on adventures had lost its appeal though. Sleeping, eating, drinking, cuddling, snoopervising, sitting in the sun and eating grass weather permitted, was his melody of life.

Why on earth should he had ventured outside the garden now? So I waited a bit before I made a Pelle search party.

Around 7 pm a woman called and presented herself as a neighbour in my hoods, and also being an animal welfare inspector at the county administrative board. She had been made aware of a cat in very poor condition walking around in the neighbourhood via a local Facebook group. Found the cat in question and took him to the vet. Where his ID-chip, registred to me, was discovered.

She said he was very skinny, dehydrated and in extremly poor condition. She was very civil but at the same time I felt rather questioned and seen as a suspicious, incompetent cat owner.

I explained that yes, he had become thinner lately, but that’s very common with old cats and as long as he remained his usual self, had an appetite for food and water, which he had, I didn’t concidered his state alarming.

So what had happened during those few hours. How could he have become dehydrated so quickly? And had I been so blinded by our close relationship that I hadn’t seen his deteriation? And on the scale of really bad meowmies, where do I fit? 

I talked to the vet and we decided to let him peacefully be put to sleep that evening. As I don’t have a car, or driver, and public transport is out of question in the time of corona, I couldn’t get to the vet clinic (not the one within walking distance) I lost the opportunity to say a proper goodbye.

And despite being identified as his owner and that he had vet insurance, the payment, for some weird reasons, couldn’t be cleared directly with me. Instead he ended up being taken into custody by the county administrative board, which officially decided on him being put to sleep (given his state) with the vet’s advice and me agreeing to it.

They will get invoiced the vet bill and then send they will invoice me. For no reasonable reason at all, but bureaucracy. And who knows how many extra charges I’ll be forced to pay because of that.

I decided long ago that I will never ever again, after nasty situations with incompetent veterinarians, put 10+ year old cats through lengthy or invasive procedures. The only one who will reap any real benefits from that is the veterinary clinic in terms of pricey vet bills. So given the extreme circumstances I think the decision of the final sleep was the right one.

That doesn’t stop me from forever blaming myself for not seeing his uncharacteristic jumping the fence decision. For not doing a search party early on and taking him home. And then taking him to the local vet instead, not putting him through that extra stress of being probed and surrounding by strangers for the last few hours of his dear and precious life. 

To add to the surrealism of it all, apparently that local Facebook group (of which I’m not a member, didn’t know existed and have no interest whatsoever to be a member of. There’s just an extra kind of stupid flourishing on Facebook. And even more so in those local neighbourhood groups) see fit to discuss the situation and the *fact* that I shouldn’t be allowed to own cats. Seriously. 

With exactly zero knowledge of the background story, not knowing anything of who I am, my extensive experience with and love for cats (including those 20 years of being a flawless breeder of British Shorthairs), they are apparently self-appointed experts on everything related.

People are idiots. And even more so on Facebook. How about that for a fact.

To add an extra layer of craziness to this, I came home today and put on a pot of delicious chili sin carne leftovers for lunch. I then sat myself down in the garden in the sun, thinking about Pelle, about life, and how things have a tendency to sneak up on us unexpectedly, and hello sorrow, my old friend, I wish we didn’t have to meet so soon again.

Forgot about the chili. Which had then turned into a smokey, black mess when I went inside. The kitchen was dense with smoke, thankfully without fire. But it was sticky and nasty. The fire/smoke alarm didn’t react until later, when I tried to air and  ventilate as best I could.

Myself I coughed and whined, and my throat is still sore and dry. The smell has kind of stuck inside my nose. But the cats were basically, whatever, can we get more wet food now?

My only really big pot was obviously ruined. And that nice stirring spoon too. Whatever was I thinking (if at all) when I let a plastic spoon in the pot without supervising it all close at hand?

So no anticipated vegan chili leftovers for me today. And I don’t trust myself with the stove now. So I had grilled sheese sandwiches and a salad for dinner instead. Plus gulped down a litre of blood orange juice, after that ordeal. 

On the second day in a row feeling like a complete nincompoop.

I deeply wish April 2021 had been rounded off on a high and happy note. Not like this. Nothing whatsoever similar to this. 16 years of loving that quirky, sweetest of sweet tyke named Pelle. And then that story ended like this. How unnecessary and painful is that?

Two days left to prove yourself to be a better month, April, can you do it? 

hello march 2021, welcome hope springs

March, the first month of spring has finally sprung on these latitudes! 

Though it’s just global warming madness that it was -10 degrees C one week and close to +10 C one week later. And we are so far away from reaching the 2030 sustainability goals. And too few people are willing to change their behaviour on their own, their own convenience trumps everything - and the world remains on fire. Every day is climate angst.

But in the here and personal now I have to admit I’m grateful for not having to deal with the freezing indoors situation we’ve been struggling with for nearly two months now. My electricity has been faulty for so long now, and the old heat pump is basically my only source of heat. It has not been pleasant. And my little furry posse deserves better in their old age too. 

But the catch 22 is, we’re in the middle of a pandemic hence I would never ever let some handyman in to look at whatever problems need fixing right now. And if the pandemic wasn’t an issue finances still are. 

I’m so looking forward to the day when I’ll be able to finally get things looked after on my little red house again. To be able to worry less, and feel more joy. Surely that’s not an awful lot to ask for, Universe?

I’m trying to be as kind as possible to myself now, I desperately need that after finishing the project managing of Vegoforum in mid February, stressing about money, being dispirited by the fact that my search for the dream job still remains in vain. And on top of that, not feeling like my usual self and strongly suspecting that what I thought was a heavy cold/flu in March/April 2020 was in fact Covid-19.

As I never took a covid-test when it was first made available last year, it will probably not show any signs of antibodies 11 months later if I take a test now. Still, gotta start somewhere, and I have a doctor’s appointment this week. A new health center within walking distance, so I have no idea about the doctors or the quality of health care. But at least it’s close and that kind of trumps everything these days, in a restricted pandemic life.

Being kind to myself also means reading as much as possible. I’m so grateful that despite suffering from brain fog and memory issues I’m able to read and enjoy books. This heap is library books only. At the moment I try to go there once a week to return and borrow books. In our current limited life that’s one little regular outing that brings me joy.

I’m attending a live online book club with Elizabeth Gilbert on March 30, so I need to finish my own copy of ’City of girls’ before that date too. 

Another thing I’ve noticed during this pandemic life is that my dreams are very vivid, intricate and laboursome. With an extremly limited life every little detail in books, TV, social media, chats, tiny interactions with people are brought into crazy life in my dreams. 

I’ve read about pandemic dreams (nightmares) and that we are many suffering from them. Though I can’t say I find them terrifying, but very exhausting as it feels there’s a whole other life that demands a lof of energy and gusto in my head while I sleep. I’m never really thoroughly rested when I wake up in the morning. 

Another thing I enjoy a lot now too, is the fact that I’m finally able to wear shoes and perky socks again. After months of icebug boots only, it’s such a relief! 

I’m thinking I should set up a little weekly shoe plan so I make sure I use my shoedrobe much better. And challenge myself to wear more heels regularly. Also a way to exercise different muscle groups. 

These days the littlest things matter more than ever I think.

 

I force myself to smile more, fake it til you nake it style, but it doesn’t come naturally as it used to. I’m planning to colour rinse my hair pink again for spring. As I feel tired and grey inside out now, I felt that could be a little welcome moodlifter. 

I’m continuing to search for that illusive dream job where passion meets purpose (communications manager for preferably a plantbased brand, but as long as it’s a company dedicated to sustainability I’m happy).

As freelancing via my own business really doesn’t give me the joy, growth and positive challenge it used to (never did I feel I would grow weary and tired of it, I mean, being your own boss, awesome, right?) I don’t feel it’s the viable option it should be in these times.

But as that dream quest is dispiritingly difficult (and it really really shouldn’t be!), I’m also looking at other reasonable jobs in line with my skills and experience. We all need to pay the bills, without completely selling our souls. 

Please, March, I’ve been asking your monthly family the same thing for a long time now, mostly in vain alas, but could you please bring positive vibes, joyous news and much needed new beginnings?! One year in limbo is quite enough me thinks. Thanks ever so much in hopeful advance. 

throw me a line

Just when you need it, music appears that speaks to your soul. And in my case, it has more often than not been something new from Haevn these past few years. And for the third year in a row, they were my most played artist on Spotify, and my theme song "Where the Heart is" was still my number one song too (place number two was "Adore you" and apparently I'm one amongst the top 3% who listen to their music on Spotify. There's just something that touch my soul, the special blend of intimate and majestic is simply magical.

2020, I had such high hopes for you. And then you became a mess. Just because humans in general don't respect the natural world and our fellow earthlings, we all have to suffer for it. 

I wanted to write something light hearted, positive and hopeful in the very first post of 2021. But alas I'm not at all in that place now, quite the opposite, I miss my old energetic, grounded in happiness self (I mean, even when M passed away I could feel glimmers of joy and hopefulness). After 10 months of isolation I am drained, tired and have an almost constant brain fog status. There is only as much gratitude on repeat you can feel when there is basically zero input of new insights and meaningful conversations, good meetings and purposeful work to be done.

2020 was suppose to be THE year of new, amazing beginnings, instead it has left me feeling hapless and desolate. The climate angst and Weltschmerz is quite overwhelming. And I cry a lot. Which isn’t really me as I know myself.

I worry about my finances. I desperately want to hold on to the fact that the universe has my back, but currently I worry that there will come a day (in a not so far future) when I won't be able to pay my bills. I'm sad that despite all this searching I haven't been able to find my soul squad and my purpose. It may be 2020 to blame for that too, putting a stop to most things, but it may also be I'm not looking in the right places, my network doesn't really work for my purpose, heck possibly I was born in the wrong time.

I thought I was really good at cultivating my resilience, but after these 10 months and especially a December completely void of sun hours, I'm not sure anymore.

If 2020 hadn't been as it was I probably hadn't done a class in Science of Wellbeing, nor two courses in philosophy. Or the Sustainability Science course. (Got my home exams essay appoved the other week, but I'm quite offended by the grade the essay got. I felt the reading was sloppy and they didn't really understand my point. I know it's a vast subject that need more words, pages and reasoning than the mere 800 words that were our limit, but that diesn’t mean it was that lacking. I will likely argue my case, but on the other hand noone will ever ask for the grade only the fact that I went the course and passed). 

Furthermore I wouldn't have project managed the digital Vegoforum's, nor read as many books that I did (didn't made it to 55, but 52 isn't half bad either).

So of course I’m grateful for those opportunities and results from an otherwise dispiriting year. But now I’m overwhelmingly eager and open to meet my soul squad, my kind of people. Much less worry, less despair and sorrow, more stability, joy and positive green growth, a kinder, compassionate world, please please please, 2021, thank you so very much in advance.

Throw me a line now. 

goodbye sweet october, hello november

 

Another small, restricted month in a world where the new normal is abnormal is over. My month. October, that both begun and ended with a blue full moon A month when nature offers a bonanza of sparkling colours, in a very much less sparkling world.  

If I was religious I'd say that Armageddon is upon us. As I am an atheist, I'd say that Armageddon is upon us. Every day something new and scary, nature showing its full force (human induced obviously) or mankind rearing its absolutely ugliest head full of hate and completely void of sanity, intelligence,  kindness and compassion.

It is really really REALLY very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel now, wouldn't you agree? 

I loved the positive vegan vibes, the innovative ideas, the entrepreneurial force of the Vegoforum last Saturday. It was both exhausting, infuriating and uplifting to plan the event. One day I may write more of what aspects were exhausting, infuriating and uplifting with it. But I'm doing my best to keep this monthly roundup post short-ish. So let's leave it at that for now. I'm already working with the two last forums for the year. Had a Friyay feeling about it last evening, so I worked late and felt very inspired. 

It's been quite consuming of mind and time, and to be honest I haven't been able to study as diligently as I had planned on with the Sustainability Science class alas. The exams will be an home essay (of which we have no details yet) that we have to hand in on December 20th at the latest. The last forum is on December 5th, then I have two weeks to really dig in on that essay. We have four optional quizzes before that, which counts for 20% of the grades. I've done one, and was pretty shocked about the results as it seems I've misconstrued quite a bit. A few of my replies were quite the opposite to the correct ones, which seems weird. But there you are. The focus need to be the essay.

On a personal level, during these extraordinary circumstances times for us all, well at least for us who aren't cavalier and take responsibility for how we behave and act, I think October has been a pretty good month for me.

Despite the ups and downs with the Vegoforum planning and executing it has also been a good thing to keep my wandering mind off worries, unhappiness and sorrows. To just focus in the now and then enjoy the walks, the fikas, running small errands, buying, cooking and eating good food. And of course, having intelligent conversations with the cats. One desperately has to concentrate on what can be done and enjoyed, and not the enormity of all the things one miss. One day at a time. And hey, say buy to another week. Another month. Seven and a half months, people, seven. and. a. half. months. And most likely at least as long before we can possibly, perhaps, maybe can get back to something similar to what used to be normal. See, I'm not very hopeful. 

Accepting and adjusting to how things are, sacrificing and coping, those aren't really mindsets who put you in the best of hopeful or positive moods. Yes, I've learnt a lot these months, of which I'm grateful for, but jeez, living in limbo, some sort of forced half life is rough on both body and mind. 

I did trip and fall at the beginning of the month (as seems to be my new annual tradition that time of the year). My left knee has been pretty sore on and off for the rest of the month, and both my wrists were for the first week or so. The reason for tripping, no obvious one at all. On rare yet regular occasions I'm clumsy and have been so since I was a kid. But the older one gets, the scarier it is, a broken arm due to slipping on a cat vomit isn't all that fun so I'm trying to be extra cautious all the time these days, to avoid situations like that. Yet, they happen anyway.

I haven't had much time to read books during October. But somehow I seem to be on the right track with my 55 books 2020 challenge anyway. I now need to finish 16 books before December 31st to reach that goal. Think I can do it?

Even if I most certainly don't relish the notion of being a year older (but we have already decided that 2020 doesn't count right?), I did enjoy the quiet birthday celebrations a lot. I also got myself a very orange tunic/dress - I though it would look snazzy and stylish, but albeit lovely it does confirm my granny toddler style. Embrace and flaunt it. Or maybe, possibly not wear the tunic with a pair of old cat leggings? (Suitable for a not so crazy cat lady.)

I got some lovely old, never used embroidered by my grandma cotton sheets and two old Maria Lang-books (as I've mentioned earlier I want to collect all of her books, 45ish of them), now I have 15. In times where you can't visit thrift stores or second hand book shops that's tricky. Of course you can get them online, but it's difficult to find a bunch of them from the same seller, and then you end up having to pay a lot of postage from several seller instead. No fun. Loved that she recently happened to get these books from a friend of hers (Malte the pug's old mum, who happened to be a librarian before she retired), read them, then gave them to me.

2020 was also the year I finally unsubscribed to the regular phone line. Most people just use their mobiles these days, but I'm not all that comfortable with just a smartphone and no other means of communicating in an emergency etc. So I've kept the phone subscription as a security measure, even if I still used the smartphone 99% of the time. Which means I've paid a hefty price for something I'm not really using, haven't used for these past couple of years.

First I planned to unsubscribe and get a cheaper provider, but then I couldn't be bothered. It's better to get another cheap and basic mobile phone as a backup instead. Now I'm thinking of upgrading my iPhone, in an ideal world something this expensive and also not very sustainably produced (but oh so good for working and photography), would last for at least 10 years. Which obviously is pure dreaming. My iPhone is 2,5 years, and it's slowing down and acting up a bit lately. A nuisance. But hopefully I can keep it as my backup phone, instead of selling it. 

Though as life isn't what it used to be (duh) the project of getting a new one, but not being able to go into a store and talk with an actual real life person and getting technical help etc, also seems quite overwhelming. I always have a screen shield on my phones, I can't understand people who don't, and they're so tricky to attach it's easier to get the store do it. Dread doing it myself. Ah well, one step at a time. Spending precious energy and time worrying about this is useless.  

I have two other technical issues that annoys the heck out of me, firstly the Swedish television broadcast not being analogue anymore which means that of you don't have a TV younger than born in 2009 you're either forced (if you think you need a TV) to get a new one altogether or buy an additional digital box. I helped my mother with getting a brand new TV in September and managed to install it myself, first time ever, and I'm quite impressed by and proud of myself for doing it. The manual wasn't very good (understatement) but I'm persistent enough to keep at it until I've figured it out. A little victory for September.

Myself I've so far settled for watching TV via the Apple TV, not all regular channels, but the most basic ones can be watched that way. I also have free subscription for a cable channel for a year, which has a lot of movies, TV-series and documentaries. Somehow it's quite liberating to more actively chose what to watch this way. Unfortunately, after watching some great series and movies initially I now have high standards for what I what to spend time watching and most options quickly fall flat. So many rubbish, generic, ridiculous series and movies out there. 

Second nuisance is the fact that for some crazy reason the community association (97 properties in my hoods) voted for installing fiber network in our neighbourhood, despite only about 30 houses had signed up for it. An overwhelming majority had not. Yet they managed to get a go ahead. And begun working two weeks ago, streets, parts of flower beds and shrubs have been mauled and they have yet to restore as promised. The sales tactics from the internet company  (with a very questionable reputation) have been quite aggressive too. They're suppose to finish the extensive work next week. And then we can all enjoy the damage they've caused the whole neighbourhood for the questionable benefit of about 30% of the residents.  

Well, this post wasn't as short and sort of sweet as I planned. I might as well have written more extensive about the exhausting, infuriating and uplifting to planning of the Vegoforum event. But one done, two more to go. There will be a perfect time to write a summary about the ups and downs once those are done.

Thank you October, my friend, you were pretty and you behaved overall benevolently. You were quite enjoyable, despite the circumstances. I'm grateful for that, sweetie.

November, I know your general reputation is dull and dark, uninspiring and overburdening. Shall we not agree on changing that this year of many many burdens already? Okay? Agreed!

And to friends and readers across the pond, VOTE VOTE VOTE. Please put a firm and active stop to this mayhem and madness that has been allowed to pervert and deeply stained the very idea of decency and democracy for these past four years. You need to heal your country. We all need to heal the world. Together.

happy birthday to me 2020

A year older, a year wiser but definitely not a year happier. But who is after such an epically miserable  year as 2020? 

So either I’ve aged 10 years instead of 1, or I’ve cancelled the aging process altogether and will save getting older to next year.

In this now small and restricted world it’s obviously been a quietly good day only (which isn’t bad) without a vegan proper cake though - no such bakeries around here and I just didn’t have the inclination to bake myself.

Little mum and I did get this feast from the thai foodtruck on Friday though, shared the fries and half a dish (two with tofu, two with Oumph), then saved the rest for today. And still have leftovers for tomorrow.

And on Thursday I had this vegan Snickers pastry (that actually IS vegan, as opposed to that time before...). Got two to go, so we at least could have something sweet and special with the tea.

With the fabulous vegan bake book I should obviously had baked myself, but with organizing the Vegoforum AND trying to study for sustainability science class as well as other stuff going and life itself on I’ve been to busy, too tired for that. I’m hoping I’ll be able to bake something this upcoming week though.

As for the digital Vegoforum on Zoom, it took place yesterday afternoon. For various reasons I had worried (as I am the worrying kind as well as have my moments of imposter syndrome) a lot about it. But I turned out so awesome that I was both touched as well as very happy. And proud of my work. And my passion. From the vegan food companies, entrepreneurs, innovators to the panel of politicians - three hours just said swoosh and we could have filled much more time. I see it as a very good birthday gift, that also were a great gift to so many others. The day was recorded, it’ll go up on YouTube as soon as I have figured out the editing. Though mostly in Swedish of course. I’ll add the link when it’s ready.

If disappointment had a face, Ågot’s would be it though. The kitties were totally miffed over how I treated the sacred Caturday yesterday. Not everyone was pleased about a day well spent. 

Two more forums to go, in November and December.  Vego och djurrätt i journalistiken (Veg and animal rights in journalism) resp Vego i politiken (Veg in politics). But as I now have a structure from setting up yesterday’s forum I expect the project managing to be somewhat smoother. Fingers crossed.

As for special treats for myself there’s this Marimekko oversized anorak. Little mum think it looks great, but ’it’s not really you, it’s too sporty!’ - well, you’ll never see me wearing it with jeans or anything else remotely sporty hence I will not sport a sporty look in it!

I also got a lovely orange tunic/dress. No pretty 55 year old like last year, which would have been a dream, but those are extremely hard to find, so there you are. 

I also did a Maria Nila colour refresh, blended the last dollop of Bright Red (as I did last October too) with Pink Pop. It’s more red than violet IRL though, but I kinda love it! Last year there was still some shimmer left in late December (almost three months later) so I’m thinking it’ll be just in time for another perky colour pop up for New Year’s.

Now I’m going to get a big cuppa, have dairyfree nicecream, watch a movie (What If always lift my spirits) and have a foot bath. 

As for an epically miserable year, it has still been filled with so many important lessons, and online meeting interesting people in a very different way (still find it quite awkward and exhausting though). And I liked my birthday treats, especially the work-related one. It was serendipitiously good actually. 

As I’m writing this on the iPhone and not the computer (because I loath how limiting that is when it comes to photo publishing on Blogger these days), I have now idea how the photos will turn out when I hit publish. Decent I hope. (Or I’ll have to tweak it computerwise later...)

Apart from REAL climate action, a vegan norm and kindness everywhere my wish for MY new (but remaining the same age) year remains the same as it has been for these past few years - a great job, with my kind of people, working for a better world. 

Happy B-day to Me, Myself and I the 2020 version!

bye september, hey october

September went fast. And basically being totally absorbed by the fact that mid September I suddenly got a part time temp job until December 31st. A long story, it was all very sudden and linked to my volunteer work revolving around plantbased food and the environment.

As I'm studying Sustainability Science on 25% part-time, it fits quite well with a 50% part-time job. As this year has been crazy for us all, and continue to be so, it actually takes a lot more energy to keep juggling all this than it usually would do. But all in all, I'm very grateful for the opportunity to keep on learning. 

My main job task is organizing the three last Vegoforum events for the year, all digital via Zoom. One the day before my birthday, one in mid November and one in early December. And yes, it's a bit overwhelming when you get thrown into it like this, even if the work per se isn't super heavy. Well life is pretty heavy right now, thus even things that would normally be just fun and a good energizing challenge get a bit much at times. And obviously I wan't to do a great job, so...

:: The lack of decent photo uploading on Blogger is still infuriating. So this is all you get today. The fact that the not so great at vegan pastries cafe now has opened a sourdough bakery too, is another great thing about September. Because the bread is awesome. Especially the rolls and the levain.

:: Little mum and I have taken the commuter train to the end station (two stops from here) twice, to do bank errands and visit my favourite coffee chain Espresso House. Since we get there and home between 9.30-1pm there are very few people on the train it feels pretty okay. And just the thing of enjoying a soy latte and some trustworthy vegan treats again have been a highlight.

:: I finished the second part of the philosophy class at the beginning of September. So it was a clean slate for the sustainability course. We've had four seminars so far, of which two have been great (Sustainable economics and Environmental ethics), but one quite annoying as the concept of ecosystem service is infuriating, specieism at its finest I'd say.

:: We've had some glorious Indian summer days, so autumn has just slowly arrived. And summer dresses have been quite appropriate. Even if the weirdness of the average Swede still is to dress as if it's a cold autumn in late August already. And, obviously black and drab and lots of clothes is the informal dress code. Which I loath. Obviously.

:: I've ordered another batch of those wonderful vegan, palmoil-free Scottish soaps. Bliss.

:: I've also ordered some more tea. And actually, more again the other day. It's Cinnamon Bun Day (vegan recipe for them here!)on Sunday, and they had a small batch of special Cinnamon Bun tea blend this week only. As there won't be any vegan cinnamon buns for me this year alas, I can at least have a whiff and a sip of cinnamon bun tea.

:: I've watched a lot of seminars, some poor, others pretty great. I've finished books, I've started reading new books. I haven't been able to finish any new ones lately, so I'm again 7 books behind on my 55 books reading challenge alas.

:: I've done another colour refresh, this time the colour was Autumn Red. It was visible, but a lighter, more orange red than suits me and it was practically washed away after four hair washes. I'm feeling in the mood for something darker now in October, like last year.

:: I won a big bad of new vegan fruit toffees, it was lovely. And I haven't won anything for years now (oh 2015-2016...), so it was a very welcome surprise. 

:: My recent favourite TV-crush is Zoe's Extraordinary Playlist - if you haven't seen it already, you really should! It's funny, sad (prepare to cry during every episode), moving, insightful and obviously full of music. Loved it, binge watched every episode over 2 days. Miss it. If you, like me, enjoyed Ally McBeal, Glee and Pitch Perfect, you won't be disappointed!

:: My short and sweet summary of a month that so far have been the best one, me thinks, of the last six ones. There's more bits and pieces, I could write about. But this will have to do for now. Not being able to simply add photos is a nuisance, and now I need my beauty sleep.

I want to thank you, September, I think you were a sweetheart, despite the overall current life circumstances. And your surprises were mostly of a positive, uplifting kind. I'm very grateful for having met you.

You also gave me this unexpected fun public toilet selfie moment; Professor Pia and the Mystery of the Haunted Toilet. And I have the Velma Dinkley haircut to prove I can solve it!

Hello, October, my dear birthday month. You have a lot to prove, and so do I. Let's make this a really great, productive and professional month together, with extra bells and whistles, m'kay?

happy 15th blogoversary to me!

15 years ago today, late in the evening, I sat down and wrote this tentative post of what would be this blog. September 8, 2005.

And in that post are two things I've been true to ever since. Cats and climate change. Though I'm happy to say that pretty much everything I also mention in that post has also gotten its fair share of space in the world according to me, over the years, in cycles. Jill of Many Trades as I am.

15 years is obviously quite a milestone, but I have prepared exactly zero celebrating for this post. As a celebratory mood is hard to find and channel these days. Though I should of course have baked something vegan nice...

Ah well, I acknowledge the feat. In this very short post. And I also think this past week, September so far, has been pretty good and quite interesting. More of that in a later post. (Though next up is that delicious bulgur pomegranate salad recipe I promised, me thinks.)

Congrats little darling blog, 
on your 15th blogoversary!



Slowfashion, OOTD/of the week and shoe per diem:

Dress, Marimekko
Vegan sneakers, Matt & Nat
Re-Kånken, Fjällräven

goodbye summer, hello autumn 2020

Or bye August, hello September.

I can't say August filled me with joy and gratitude of the happy things I wished and hoped and worked for. I may have planted some seeds, who knows. But all and all, another disappointing month from my viewpoint alas.

I can only hope I planted some important seeds that will grow into a fantastic bloom asap.

The lovely thing was that I did get a phone call regarding the job I had most wished for, for a so-call-pre-interview-meeting. Scheduled for Thursday. It felt like the digital meeting went reasonably well (as it is darn difficult to tell from poor connections with basically zero visibility of facial expressions and body languages). As it is now 1,5 weeks since, I admittedly don't have any hopes of another interview. Which is unfortunate, since I was a great match and it was a very interesting position with great potentials for positive impacts and growth.

When it was a job I was very keen on (as this one) I used to follow up myself after the meeting/interview, but I don't do that anymore. It's simply a waste of my time, and I haven't been able to convince them of my awesomeness via my application, our conversation, the meeting and every other little detail you can find out via googling, there's nothing more I can do. They've decided to go another way. And my time is too precious to spend thinking and hassling with things and situations I can't change.

If you can't change it, let it go.

Somewhere out there there MUST be a company and organisation that click with me. However truly dispiriting things feel currently. And as far as I'm concerned have felt for much too long now. This is just ridiculous. What do you want from me Universe??

So far I haven't really been able to keep to my fake it 'til you make it plan...



But as for the things I do have enjoyed and felt energized by in my small world in the latter half of August, these are as follows.

The drive in/walk in cinema evenings were really nice. But for another heatwave that week, it would have been better if the movies had begun an hour later since the sun on the screen wasn't the best combo. But of course that's nothing you can really plan for.

Also, it's common sense really, that you don't bring toddlers to a movie and let then run around screaming while you as parents couldn't care less and you yourselves continue with a loud conversations while you all disturb the rest of the audience. There are idiots everywhere.

And even more so post- and during corona I'd say. Why isn't corona-madness a concept wildly discussed yet? Every day there's more and more proofs that it is a real thing.

The movies, Jumanji: The Next Level and Peanut Butter Falcon were both unpretentiously entertaining, however not something I'd been happy to pay for. If I'm honest. The older you get, the more movies you have in your luggage, the more discerning you get.



And somehow, the best thing about those outdoor movie evenings, were the walks home on warm summer evenings with crickets singing everywhere.

As far as the Know Thyself-philosophy course, that honestly annoyed me more than it delighted me. Well I finished that course, got my certificate. And decided, after all, to continue with the second one I'd already paid for. I felt it was interesting enough, concentrating on the Unconscious. I'm now in week 4 and I hope to get another certificate by the end of the week.

Slightly better, and yes interesting in some ways of course, than the initial course, but not really something I'd recommend. It's such a deep and wide subject, it deserves more time and work, and a professor that doesn't mumble rush through the classes. Also some proof-reading wouldn't go amiss.

Tomorrow my Sustainability Science class will begin - which will last until the end of December, at 25% part time. It'll be interesting to see how that'll be! Only digital this year.



This, my friends, is a magnificent piece. A vegan bake book, almost 450 pages of recipes and information on how to make, bake, create the perfect vegan cakes, cookies and pastries without harming animals or our planet.

The writer/baker, Karolina Tegelaar, has written several cook/bake books before this one (I haven't got any of them), but the most amazing thing with this one is that she's written it during 10 (!) years of trial and error baking herself through the pastries so we don't have to. With the motto "You should never settle for less that a perfect vegan cake".

As there's a lot of aquafaba involved in the recipes, I guess you must be terribly keen on making hummus (or any other chickpea dish) regularly if you plan to bake often and lost from Vegansk bakning. Myself I'm planning to start with something small.

And as I haven't had a food processor since 2017, I haven't baked any buns and breads since, and I can only bake cakes and cookies as things are now.

The pictures are lovely too. And the cover design obviously appeal to me, big time.



And on the subject of vegan pastries. This chocolate cake at the newly opened enjoyable cafe is vegan. And surprisingly lovely at that.

However, we were shocked to learn at our visit last week, that the almond hook they said were vegan is not. They contain egg white and has never been vegan. As I know that two staff people (of which one is one of the owners) have said it was vegan, and I've obviously asked very clearly, I'm really very annoyed by this. Had either of us been allergic to eggs it could have had devastating consequences.

Needless to say it's very unprofessional to run a food business where the staff doesn't know the ingredients of what they're selling.

And yes I have offered my services when it comes to the poor vegan selection and now obviously their ignorance. They have not bothered to get in contact.

So beware if you visit Petjo's cafe, if you're vegan, or allergic to any ingredients, you can't be really sure about what the staff claims. Disappointing but true.

They're also opening a bakery shortly, and you know how I miss my favourite city bakeries and their sourdough breads. However my giddy anticipation has faded somewhat after this incident.

The book in the picture, is a very interesting one on the right-wing racist part Sweden democrats (Sverigedemokraterna) and  social media campaigns with links to the Trump-strategy, Sverigevänner (Friends of Sweden, like those cohorts like to call themselves) by Swedish journalist Jonathan Lundberg. It's not exactly a book that fills you with inspiration and joy over the human kind and its intelligence. But alas, not every important read is.

These are indeed dark times, on so many levels and more than ever, we should keep ourselves informed. As well as be the change working against these dark forces in whatever little way we are able to.



On the brighter side of books, I highly recommend this one on Shinrin-yoku aka forest bathing, by Dr Qing Li. Did you know that 2/3 of Japan is covered by forest at the same time that the country is one of the most densely populated in the world?

It's an easy read, full of interesting facts on nature, health, well-being and research. Plus tips on how to incorporate forest-bathing as a routine in your daily life. Even if I think it's very difficult for most of us to do that 3 hours per day... But 30 minutes - 1 hour is better than nothing.



I'm trying my best to get back on track with my 55 books goal for 2020, but I'm still 7 books behind and I have 25 left to finish in order to reach the goal. I'm very good at starting new books, not equally good at finishing them all. As I like to stretch my brain with an eclectic mix, some of them get to be a bit heavy and uninteresting after a while, and the reading gets slowed down.

And to be honest, there are very few books that draw you in from page one and you just can't stop reading. They might still be good, just not enthrallingly good.

I've just started reading this one, and it's truly unique. Monster i terapi (Monster in therapy), by Jenny Jägerfeld and Mats Strandberg, is about four famous monsters in literature being subjected to modern therapy in current society. A fascinating read indeed. before corona hit I was about to attend a writer's talk with Mats Strandberg, and had looked forward to getting some of his books signed (he's an excellent horror writer), but alas it was cancelled. Hopefully there will be a day when real life gatherings of many is possible again...



One of my favourite shops in Stockholm, Krabat 53, was one of the victims of corona, and they had to close down last month. It was such a lovely, quirky, colourful gift shop and most of all it was the place where I got my regular Sonny Angel-fix. Aka the building blocks for my small Japanese nude boy angel dolls-collection.

As I'm not keen at all on paying for them in blind boxes - at the risk of getting a gazillion duplicates - I'll not continue to be the reasonably avid collector I've been for some years now. It'll be a rare treat to get one now and then, as my favourite provider is no more.

But there you are, and obviously there're better things to put your money on.



After the second heatwave of this weird summer 2020, we've experienced much welcomed rains. And rather distinctly cooler weather, too cool for late August, but as nothing is what normal used to be before climate change, one can only accept and deal with it. Even if I'd loved to wear happy summer dresses for some more weeks still.



Slowfashion, OOTD of the week and shoe per diem:

Dress and calf tote, Marimekko
Vegan sneakers, Adidas
Re-Kånken, Fjällräven

(what do you call a selfie in a library elevator?)

Farewell, August, I had so much more hope for you, I won't lie, you've left me sad and disappointed despite some glimmers of beauty and sprinkles of joy.

Welcome, September, will you be my sweetheart, pretty please? I desperately need sparks of progress and positive momentum galore.

know thyself and fake it til' you make it

:: If I had gotten a €$£ for every time over the years I’d thought I would have been a more fulfilled person if I’d studied philosophy/psychology instead of law, then I’d probably be a multi-millionaire.

But IF the grass is greener on the other side, that is one eternal question. The choices we make and the choices we made, and the paths we took and take, were the ones we were suppose to take at the time. So it’s absolutely useless to dwell on that in hindsight obviously. 

Still. So much time to think that these past 6 (!) months without new meetings, insights, inspiration and memories have brought, so much soul searching, introspection, old memories coming to new life, frustration, sadness as well as small moments of joy to savour.

That said, in awaiting of the  Sustainability Science - described as "examining the interactions between human, environmental, and engineered systems to understand and contribute to solutions for complex challenges that threaten the future of humanity and the integrity of the life support systems of the planet, such as climate change, biodiversity loss, pollution and land and water degradation." -

course that starts on the last shivering day of summer  in a couple of weeks, I’m now taking a couple of philosophy courses - Know Thyself, at Edinburgh University/Coursera. Absolutely loved it after week 1 (Socrates, Plato and the likes resonates easily with me). 

But week 2 started to annoy me. Because unlike the great The Science of Well-Being course in spring at Yale/Coursera, which I truly loved and learnt a lot from, the American professor has a forced, mumbling and fast way of talking. With a complicated subject and a lot of philosophical concepts which probably take years to fully grasp, but which the course is trying to cram into 4 weeks (jeez!), that's not a satisfying learning experience.

The only thing I enjoyed with Descartes is that he apparently liked to stay in bed all day and think (one of my favourite things too). Other than that, I have to say I find him to be more than a bit of twit and very full of himself.

I'm now into week 4, and things are picking up somewhat - What is the the concept of Human Nature etc. I'm hoping to take my certificate this week.

Unfortunately I didn't get that the full course is in fact made of three different courses, not depending on each other, so I made the mistake of signing up to part II before I realised it was a part I. And as I had no doubt that it would be another great learning experience, I thought it would be better to read them chronologically. I am now annoyed at myself (though more annoyed at the poor quality of the course, or well, at least lower than I expected from it). 

I'm not exactly looking forward to another class with the same setup and same professor (who seems like a likable and knowledgeable guy irl, just not really inspiring or enjoyable via online learning). I'm not sure one can get the payment transferred to another course, but I'll look into that. Otherwise I'll do it, as not to waste my fees.

One strong conclusion I've come to after these philosophy studying weeks, is that I'm less philosophy inclined than I thought. Law suited me better after all. Or I've just not really come across "my kind of philosophers" yet. Well, apart from Socrates and Plato. Another proof that you always are and do what you're suppose to be and do.

:: Another thing I've realised so far this month - which basically is just a continuation of everything in life coming to a halt since corona, and my last post in June - and despite all the high hopes, faith and trust for August, 

is that this extremely limited, restricted, trapped small life of the past 6 months, with all its worries and stress constantly building up, is really really getting a bit too much now. 

Some days may be better, when it’s easier to savour the good things, acknowledge gratitude, breath fully and feel reasonably hopeful. The other days are honestly pretty sh*t. 

.

And *looking forward* to at least another six more months of restrictions in Sweden (work from home and stay off public transport). Not exactly reeling with joy. 

I’m also convinced there are so so many people out there feeling like this. But we don’t talk much about it, do we? 

On the news the other day they talked about suicide prevention-lines and other volunteer organisations have been overwhelmed with calls from people feeling depressed, lonely and having financial worries (lots of them elderly that are feeling isolated). They need to be get more public funds to manage this. As an example one organisation alone used to work with 30 volunteers, now they nee to be at least 300 to cope with all the distress calls.

It makes me truly sick with all the financial support that go into companies (without any real sustainability demands tied to them) and not people. That there's so much talk about getting back to *normal* and business as usual, hail consumerism. When we are all to aware that is exactly what got us here in the first place. We desperately need to build new and better. Stop eating meat. Stop pleasure flying. Stop depending on fossil fuel. Stop shopping like we used to. Stop being so bl**dy selfish. Slow down. Think. Act. Be brave. And compassionate.

:: And I finally got the palaver Palava facemasks. The fabric is pretty - and I get that when they're made of fabric scraps you can't expect the patterns to be perfectly matched. One should always chose one colour or a tighter pattern to get that - but I have to say that the design itself is lacking. They're too loose, too large. And if you can only chose from child, women, men with no measurements but a one size fits all-concept I guess this is what's to be expected for many of us.

With a no return-policy for facemasks, I need to tweak them to fit better. And I think I have an inkling on how to do it. The idea of re-entering public transport seems awfully far away, but if there'll be a must, I need these to be useful not just pretty (silly).

And when I say pretty, I mean the fabrics. Pretty fabrics that makes us all look like a sligthly kinder Hannibal Lecter, never cool. But cool and fashionable is not really THE thing here obviously. Reasonably proper protection is.

:: I call this one ’fake it til’ you make it’ - these days the things and situations I feel a smile and/or a laughter coming naturally are few and far apart. Duh. (It's a pity having a gap tooth isn't equal to instant happiness when needed...)

And when they do it’s 99 % cat or dog (or other animals) related. Now more than ever I’m not finding humans amusing, the stupidity/not-amusing level has somehow risen to new heights, or sunken to new lows is perhaps a better description. 

(these cutiepies, for example, obviously need a post of their own, I knooow!)

But I’ve heard, that if you force yourself to smile and laugh more, that’s also away to feel happier (even if there are few external factors to feel joyful about these days). So cheers to fake it til’ you make it-smiling! 

:: Haven’t been to a hairdresser for years now. Funny how you get used to diy hair cutting. Guess I wouldn’t get away with it if my hair was straight or I wanted some intricate cut... And I’m not giving up my day job for it anytime soon. But, it works without being totally awful.

Noticed a local hairdresser today who offered suspiciously low prices if it was an hourly rate, but reasonable if it was only a quick cut or a trim. Think I’ll have a little straight cut trim and treat there come autumn. 

:: Inaugurated the flower power dress last week. And had a good fika, vegan breakfast. And did the same today again. A treat that gives a glimmer of unpretentious normality to life. 

:: The thai food truck within walking distance has opened up again after the holidays. There will be a visit later this week.



:: Walks, nature and forest bathing have continued to sooth a troubled soul.

:: On Friday and Saturday it's time for the outdoor drive/walk in cinemas with social distancing and 50 people max. It will be so interesting to see how that experience will turn out.

:: For next week I'm keeping umpteenth fingers crossed for a belter of great news on the job front.

And to sum things up, obviously there are lovely, heartwarming things happening in this small on hold-life too. But I so very much keep wanting so much more. Don't we all?

Next post up, a new vegan food inspiration-post is what's needed! Can I get a buckjump?