excuse me, may i adopt you?

This will be a post of very, very random reflections.

In April I posted a photo on Instagram of my mother and I under the cherry blossom trees. And for some reason that prompted the comment "You two should start a YouTube channel!" - I found it hilarious. We would certainly fill a gap. But none of us are the least bit keen on being in front of the camera (unless it's under cherry blossoms obviously) and even less in front of a video camera/phone. 

It would have to be in Swedish. And what would we talk about? Food? Wind forward a few months, I've done the grief recovery process which obviously has opened up a veritable flood of emotions and I've spent a good portion of the summer of reflection talking the ears of said mother about relationships, life, love and human behaviour. And every time, just before her ears might have been ready to fall off, she replied with a simple, thoughtprovoking comment that (almost) shut me up.

And that made me think it would actually be pretty neat making a podcast instead. It's a really tiny seed of a thought still. And the emotional flooding has been a part of my grief recovery process and redefining myself, it's very likely it's a stage that has passed. Not sure if it's material enough for it anymore. Although I suppose when it comes to human behaviour and relationships there's always new material to dig from. 

It's just that I think that this summer of so many reflections have been so so full of insights and it would have been nice to make something more... substantial of it. Just a thought.

Maybe we could even discuss the weirdness of internet dating - which will never ever happen for me, I've kept my carefully crafted profile at the first site, but it's just a weird, creepy, uncomfortable and desperate world. I would never ever be comfortable giving my phone number or last name to anyone I'd met on a dating site. Which really says it all. And if you can't even spell your name or your job title right (!) do not bother to flirt me, mister. It obviously makes for good, little stories to giggle and sigh over, but really it's like a parallell, artificial universe. At least I can now say I gave it two months, but I know it's just too creepy and unnatural for me and soon is the time to just delete my profile - how to combat Weltschmerz, or how many cats you can employ before you're considered a crazy cat lady? I'm a great listener, but I'm pretty good at talking too.

Talk about talking. Even if I've always talked a lot with the cats it was only until I went to Schwarzwald last October and spent my solo week there I realised how inclined I was to make small talk with myself even in public. Embarrassing, I know. And how chatty I've become with shop clerks, something which I've always found a rather annoying trait. 

I had pre-booked a taxi when I landed at the airport late on Saturday night and I saw myself chilling in the backseat with the iPhone. But instead I was so grateful to finally have someone but myself to speak Swedish with again, starved even, that it was completely natural to sit in the front passenger seat and chat constantly for 45 minutes with a taxi driver I'd never met. It was surreal.

Something else that feels surreal right now is that suddenly a lot of things seem to happen on the job/new clients front. When it rains it pours. Nothing is signed as such. But several things feel very promising. And exciting. Old and new. I suppose if it's anything to the law of attraction notion this is certainly the time for it, with me being where I am in life. With emotional burdens I didn't even realised I carried to that extent having been lifted.

A friend I hadn't met for many months said I ooze a special kind of calmness now. And that my current charisma is fantastic. How about that for a fabulous compliment? I can't stop marvel about the fact that I feel more grounded, calm, comfortable and yes, happy than I have been for many years. It's a strange and exhilarating feeling. And very welcome. Very welcome indeed. And what I feel on the inside might show on the outside. To be in The Zone is a great thing. I've seen the light. In a very atheist way of course.

Another strange feeling I had recently, very unlike me, who basically never had the urge to adopt anything else than small, furry animals. But I met such a delightful, grown-up person that was so cute I got the strangest idea it would be perfect to adopt said person and possibly carry around as a feelgood, good luck charm. I can't remember I've ever had such an urge before. Maybe this is an in The Zone side effect? 

Be as that may, paws up for groundedness and bubbly feelings.

homage to the wind and the heart

Whilst the original grief recovery process ended last week, we've decided to work with another unfinished relationship to get into a different mindshift, which will be so useful in life from here on. Admittedly I struggled to find one important enough to process, the only one which I apparently isn't as over as I thought - given my reaction to something on my Instagram feed some weeks ago - is my crushed professional long lasting dream of innocent.

But even if one can grief process that as such it felt a bit awkward and silly - though I have promised myself to never ever feel so passionate about a brand again that I allow it to actually crush my heart a bit - so I settled for a friendship that ended abruptly some years ago. In a hurtful, unexpected way but still not something I really dwell over since people are weird sometimes. And why they say and act in certain ways has nothing to do with you, but them and their experiences.

I think we all felt much much calmer today after saying farewell to so much pain last week. It was much more a matter of fact to read and share today. We were all grounded and empowered.

And for some reason - not only because it was a distinct autumny feeling in the air alas - I decided to wear this organic cotton sweater I got some years ago which never really has felt appropriate to wear - and not only because it's beige, analyze that if you will... - with a quote that resonated so much in me when I saw it back then. And still does.

The heart is a compass. And so is the gut feeling. (Also, today was a great hair day, despite the dreaded greys...)

It was so lovely to hear how much we could relate to eachother today, the way we look at relationships and the importance of communication. Again, I'm so very grateful to have met these women. One of life's little miracles. You are not alone.

Which brings me to the wind homage of this post. We're in it together.

These days most commercials leave me either completely uninterested or really annoyed, angry even. Very, very few make me happy, touch me or leave me in awe. But there are some precious exceptions to that rule of indifference and annoyance. And this is one. The Swedish energy company E.on produced a brilliant TV commercial this spring with ingredients that actually brought me to tears.

For you who have read this blog for some time, you know about my love for wind turbines. Fields of wind turbines, wind farms, row upon row of them on hills, in the sea, they are mesmerizingly beautiful to me.

In fact, tall, strong, confident and environmental friendly, one of these gentle giants would make the perfect partner in my book of ideals. Well, at least if it weren't for the not so minor details that the conversations would be very onesided as would the meals, plus zero cuddles to be expected. Oh, I digress.

The ingredients in this commercial that blew me away - no pun intended, really - were;

- the beautiful filming and storytelling
- that they managed to make such a beautiful, melancholic version of a really cheesy, awful Eurovision song contest winner (Fångad av en stormvind/Caught by a heavy gale) that captured both the mood and the energy source perfectly. (The artist that sings is actually the woman in the commercial.)
- the fact that you can apparently go up in the turbines and stand there on top of the world of gentle giants. Yes I know it's for installing, repairing and maintenance, but still I would absolutely love to do it. It went straight onto my dreamy bucket list of things to experience.




You can see the making of the commercial and other clips on YouTube, which will paint a fuller, not so glamourous, picture of it. And needless to say, "Fångad av en stormvind" with El perro del mar is currently one of my absolute favourites on Spotify since a few months.

Thank you heart. Thank you wind. Much love.

grey hair i don't care

I wish I could wholeheartedly say that was true, that I didn't care about the grey hairs. But I do. 

My father's hair went grey in his 20ies, my mum's in her 50ies and I was *blessed* with it in my 30ies. Ever since then I've coloured and highlighted my once natural rich, red chestnut colour. But for partly chemical reasons partly it's really in vain-reasons I stopped doing it in 2015. Decided to work with not against the greys.

In April this year I suddenly realised it was so grey I could probably go into retirement. And this past year of sorrow and struggle has not exactly helped either. Luckily I neither look nor feel like a little ol' grey haired lady. But still, it's kind of a struggle to come to terms with the fact that it will never be that chestnut colour again, unless I colour it. I won't be the brunette that's me. Ever again.

It doesn't really matter if friends say it looks cool and intended. To me it looks like my hair is covered in cobwebs (very age befitting). It doesn't matter that I think women my age or younger look supercool and stylish because they actually don't care about their hair going grey. Or if they even colour it grey - and yes I've made Instagram albums of cool grey haircuts and styles to be inspired by. Not sure that works very well so far though.

I definitely find it much easier to accept my wobbly bits than those grey hairs.

Used to visit my hairdresser every 10 weeks or so. Now I haven't been since January. Partly because I'm in the mood for it to just (scarecrow) grow - and I know she'll want to put scissors to it. Partly because I don't really trust myself to not be talked into doing something about it when I feel miserable in those always unflattering hairdresser mirrors.

At the same time I'm defiant. I won't be one of those ridiculous persons who fight age in unnatural ways, instead of simply enjoying life and having a healthy lifestyle in general. With or without grey hairs. I will not let something as natural and superficial as my hair colour define me.

But the struggle is real. Especially with a looming birthday in October. Other's have made it past it and survived. Strangely enough. And it does scare me. Age is just a number. But it can be a rather scary number.

Currently I have a decent tan and natural sunbleached highlights, that will most certainly change in the coming months. And it won't feel glamorous and natural at all. But maybe coming to terms with this new me is also a part of redefining myself?

I'm also thinking about how I want that looming, dreaded birthday, with lots of grey hairs to show for it, to be. I have no interest whatsoever to *celebrate* it with a party, partly because I have little or no interest in parties as such, partly because I don't think it's anything to celebrate. 

I've always prefered to travel somewhere for a long weekend trip on my birthday. But then we've always been two on that birthday trip. And as much as I actually loved my Schwarzwald trip last October and how great it was to be a solo traveller, I'm not sure I'm really ready to solo travel for my birthday. Or perhaps I just think I'm not?

But I really love good irl conversations on my trips too, and talking to myself and random chats with strangers isn't what I call good and meaningful conversations. 

In my head I see myself having one of those amazing breakfasts at Café Im Literaturhaus in Berlin on my birthday, and dinner at a fancy vegan restaurant. But then again, Berlin is so much connected with our lovely trips over the years and I don't think I'm ready to just go there alone for my birthday. I think it's better to spend that dreaded birthday in a yet unvisited city where I can create my own memories only. I suspect it will be a bit sad anyway. To meet it on my own. But I also think it would be even more sad to stay at home and not travel anywhere, so far destination unknown.

What's your relationship with your grey hairs? And age and birthdays, especially your own dreaded ones? The former just is what it is I suppose, something to come to terms with. But any great suggestions for the latter much welcome.

the completion letter

Yesterday we had our last meeting in the grief recovery process group. Our last task was to write a completion letter to that person (or situation for that matter) we felt we had unfinished communication with. For every meeting we've had - 6 of them - I've felt lighter and lighter, until the 5th meeting last Monday. 

Suddenly I was really low for a couple of days, which isn't a surprising reaction. Grief recovery isn't a straight forward process, the only thing straight forward are the steps we take. And my dip came late in the process. Saying goodbye to a situation, a person (alive or deceased), a relationship you have adapted yourself to, that no longer serves you or have stopped served you a long time ago, that's a sorrow in itself. All these layers of sorrow, who knew they come in so many shapes and forms?

Good thing I know how to talk myself out of the blues and worry by now. And as sad as writing that honest completion letter was, I read it out loud to myself, cried, danced and slept well. It was easy enough to read it in the group but I did cry some more, we all did. It's strange how sad it is to say goodbye to sorrow, in this particular brooding form. But I can't stress enough how grateful I am to have been given this chance to this process at a reasonably early stage, but not too soon after either, and not after years and years of possible brooding and self-analyzing the whys and why nots ad finitum. 

Of course it isn't as turning on and off a switch and suddenly everything is hunky dory just because you've written and read that completion letter. But, at least when it comes to a deceased person, you have worked the unfinished things through via this process, you have said I'm sorry for, I forgive you for, I had wished that, Thank you for and farewell and that is quite a big deal for the recovery. Being at peace is too.

The relationship, the love that was will always be, the happy memories too. But I will not keep on processing the sad memories, the questions I will never get answers to. Dwell on anger, disappointments, the things that might turn bitter and toxic. The things I wanted more or less of, or different, the things I can't change, they are accepted now, for me to heal and be well.

Being where I am now, being more open to new beginnings, things, people, happenings, life in general than I've been in a long time - that is actually quite scary too. Like a veil has been lifted and I can't really hide anymore. At the same time it is wistful, saying goodbye to a loss is a loss in itself, it is also exciting. What will happen now? What will come next? My next steps in life? What will make complete sense?

After the meeting yesterday I had decided to buy some special tea, and biscuits, to accompany my own private ceremony of burning some significant papers when I got home. The reason for this was that one of the heartwarming messages I got at that seance in January - 11 in pictures, 14 in words (and even more in talk), out of which 15 made complete and mindblowing sense right there and then, some have made sense since and a couple have begun to make strange, serendipitous sense these past few weeks only. And for new readers; it's a completely anonymous group seance, noone knows who is coming, noone knows if someone is coming, it's a spur of the moment thing at least for me. I may be open to possibilities but I'm never gullible - was simply "English tea and biscuits. Go to a tea shop." (For you who know me, you know I drink so much tea it practically pours out of my ears.)

For some reason I got an image of an old tea shop in Stockholm that I strangely enough had never visited before, when I read that sentence back then. So yesterday was the day for it. And such a lovely lovely shop it was! In the posh part of the city, a place where little ol' ladies have bought tea and coffee since 1916. They only sell their own tea and coffee blends, the packaging is very colourful, basic and stylish and oh the scent, the wonderful tea scent. I will most certainly visit more regularly from now on. The friendly staff offered some teas I might enjoy (black or red fruity, flowery notes are my tea tune of choice) and I settled for one of each. Plus a package of shortbread-ish biscuits.

It was only on the train home I realised the black tea was called Angel tea.

Coincidences, life's little messages to tell you you're not alone.

And it's perfectly alright to be an atheist like me and still believe life is pretty magical sometimes. I just think most of us have lost that sense of openness and wonder in our busy, sometimes stressful, sometimes difficult lives.

I burned some papers, I drank the Angel tea (which was lovely and my whole kitchen smells with it from the paper bag), ate some biscuits, was exhausted in that liberating way when your brain is just completely empty and had a really good night's sleep. Today I had to ran some errands in the city, it was too rainy to go for a long walk, but I picked up some lunch and enjoyed it al fresco on a bench by the waters. Me and my semi-empty brain needed peace and time to collect thoughts and adjust to my shift in both focus and life. It was a perfect day for it.

Completion. Life. Gratitude. And tea.

on being a free spirit

Someone said I look like a fairy today. As much as I can't for my life see why - dirty bedhead hair and shabby, old sun dress etc. - it was a fun and sweet compliment. Presumably one of those fairies who dance around at misty meadows on summer nights with flowers in their hair and not the willowy ones in Lord of the rings.

And it got me thinking  about how truly liberating this grief recovery process has been. How I feel lighter, brighter, strangely more me for it. So perhaps the (giggle worthy) fairy-like appearance is something that shine through from within rather than the outside appearance. When it feels like a heavy weight has been lifted off your tense shoulders, it's visible not just feelable. In fact I feel more like my free spirit self than I have in a long long time.

We have a few sessions left and I have to say, without exaggerating, it has been one of my best experiences in life. Sad it had to come through a heartbreaking event, but looking back at my life - and people that inspire me - it's not the happy days and circumstances - no matter how grateful I am for those - that has led to true growth, deeper understanding and compassion, a step up the ladder of becoming a better human being, fellow earthling. It is the hardship, the sorrow, the troublesome days.

Though I most certainly do not advocate a positive, upbeat attitude and outlook at all costs at all times, because I think that creates a false image of life, living and the world. However, the way you react to those tragedies we all go through in one way or the other, those hardship, setbacks, troubles and what we decide to focus our energy on, that's completely up to ourselves.

Don't become bitter, learn another life lesson and move on to greatness instead.

Which quite possibly is easier said than done for some, being born where I am, brought up in a loving family, being fortunate in so many ways and grateful for so much, I know I can't begin to grasp the hardship some, less fortunate people go through in life. But I'm sure you get my point here.

Since I wouldn't have had the chance to go through this process if it hadn't been for my British Shorthair breeding, - 

which as far as I'm concerned is a thing of the past, another thing I'm so grateful to have been a part of, all the lovely lovely kittens over the years, cat show successes, happy new owners, my own quirky, darling snoopervisors. But as much as I love the breed itself I also think there are enough cats, dogs, animals and yes, humans too out there wanting love and a safe family to call their own and no need to produce new ones. Quite the opposite imho. Oh, I digress. - 

Instagram and LinkedIn I posted this (in Swedish) in both channels -

"To work with this book has been a large and important part of my summer. Never would I have thought that I would share deeply personal things in a group of unknown people, but it has been an amazing experience. Liberating, cathartic, challenging, evoluting, healing and something of the most important things  I've done in my life.

And why do I write this on LinkedIn? Because partly, we are complex people, our private and professional lives influence eachother much more than we might grasp. And I know this book/process would make many people feel much better. And with that become better professionals, colleagues and business owners.

Partly, without (my British Shorthair breeding), Instagram and LinkedIn I wouldn't have had this valuable opportunity - you who have been a part of this journey, you know who you are, you are worth your weight in gold and I am so grateful to have been a part of your journey too!

..... "

Which brings me to the free spirit part of this post. Many many years ago, during my sick leave for burn out and as a part of the settlement with my former employer - situation briefly described here - I went to a career coach. I think we had about 6 sessions together, I don't think I was any closer to what I wanted to do after those sessions as such, but he was a likeable guy and I got some reasonable good advice and food for thought. 

At one of those sessions he suddenly went quiet, looked at me and said "Your skepticism towards authorities really is very deep. You're truly a free spirit!". I laughed and said that it was probably true, just that I hadn't seen it like that before. All these years later it's actually one of the best and most insightful compliments I've ever gotten.

I should have started my own business back then already I suppose. But at the same time I don't think I was quite ready for it. And for some reason I still had faith in the Swedish labour market. Many, many, many hard lessons later I took the jump and it has been fantastic in oh so many ways, still is. At the same time as I admittedly more and more miss working with others towards a common goal, you know, the my kind of people thing and fuzzy feelings galore.

In general the labour market has changed so much since back then, I believe that today, in certain organisations and companies, there is room for free spirits to flutter and sprinkle magic dust. So I remain hopeful and stoked that will soon be the next logic step for me.

The free spirit card above? Well, that's from a blog reader turned friend - the day I spent with you in Heidelberg in October was one of my best in 2016, thank you again! And yes, I will blog about the Schwarzwald trip one of these days, I will... - and arrived a while back. Apparently she thought of me when she saw it at Trader Joe's; hedgehog, pink boots, Midsummer flowers in the hair add a free spirit. I was touched! It's pretty amazing when someone actually pinpoints me that well by reading the blog. Even if I suppose nearly 12 years of wording is a decent source for pinpointing. Nevertheless, touched.

And tomorrow, the commuter trains are back on track - doing a special free spirit happy dance under the stars!

as close as i'll ever get to colin firth in a wet shirt

One of my favourite castles in the whole wide world, Skokloster, currently has an exhibition called 'Jane Austens värld' (Jane Austen's world), with original clothes from 'Pride and Prejudice', 'Sense and Sensibility' and 'Emma', with focus on women's roles in society back then (late 18th - early 19th century). And as much as I adore the television and movie adaptions of Austen's books, oh my am I grateful I live here and now...

The guided tour was really good but I have to say that this particular piece was the highlight of the exhibition. For all of you who, like me, swooned over a certain someone in a certain scene in 'Pride and Prejudice' - you know why.

After the tour we could play dress-up and try on regency clothes, for some reason it wasn't a popular feature for the visitors in my group. But I decided to try on some hats at least. With an ever present Colin Firth.

It was the wonkiest mirror ever which made me in an A-line dress look even wonkier and as much as I love playing dress-up it's not much fun when you just look weird and there's noone around to laugh with, but a stern Colin. - Oh why couldn't you have smiled just a little bit during our brief moments together?

All in all a lovely day though. You can't go wrong with castle + waffles + tiny dog company. And a close encounter with Mr Darcy's once very wet shirt.

PS On August 19 they apparently host a Jane Austen ball at the castle, tickets sold out, but it does sounds pretty fabulous, wouldn't you agree? DS

dancing under the stars

The long, light, warm summer evenings and dark, starry lit nights lately have been a truly treasured thing for me. In the perfect seclusion of my garden I put on headphones and dance like nobody's watching but the bewildered cats - who demand regular belly rubs, back pats and cheek scratches before they continue chasing night insects and eachother through the dry, summer grass and shrubs - and the ever watchful stars above. It has been a lovely source for me to collect my thoughts and impressions of the day, feeling empowered and inspired. 

And I'm so grateful nobody can see me.

You know how last summer in the city was kind of cancelled due to the chaotic, stressful public transport situation with replacement buses for the commuter trains? This has been the case this summer too (which makes it the third summer for it). However this time it hasn't been the same stations involved as previous years so the replacement buses and options have been a few more. Slightly less stressful, but very time consuming and annoying just the same. 

Since I did have a few business meetings during these summer months I had to get a travel card, because single tickets would just be ridiculously expensive. And with a travel card and no real plans other than a workation staycation kind of summer I've been experimenting with those different travel options, buying lunch or coffee to go, sitting myself down on a bench with a view and simply feeling very fortunate in life, circumstances and not least the beautiful city I call home. Always followed by a long, brisk walk with my own thoughts as company alone. Which make me all but alone. 

Those days when I have no particular job to finish, no particular place to be or time to meet, when I can just stroll, sit, think, take silly pictures and be mindful of my place in time - they've been blissful. Such a lovely breathing space and reminder that amongst worry and searching for my place in life, my kind of people, that special feeling, life is quite spectacular. 

Filled with tiny moments of wonder.

And then yesterday I had a job meeting. I'm not sure if it was an interview, because that was my mindset going there but in the end it was just a really great meeting for a position that I feel would be perfect for me, my background and skillset. And I got the impression that feeling was mutual.

What's extra fascinating is that pretty much a year ago I was involved in a recruitment process for a similar position in a similar company, which turned out to be so very awkward and completely wrong for me, with my gut feeling basically screaming at me to get out when I stepped into the room. I have never felt so out of place in an interview situation before or after. It was like we were from two different planets, speaking different languages. 

I really didn't get their product/service, they had basically zero enthusiasm and vision and how could anyone thrive in such an environment? And how was I suppose to be able to market and sell it with no passion to be found?

This meeting yesterday, this product/service (beautiful design, great potential), this vision, this enthusiasm, it was the complete opposite, this I completely got. And embrace. Without reservation. And for you who know me by now, irl or by words only, you know I'm not easily smitten - if it's not a furry animal - rather the opposite. So I'm *a bit* surprised, but perhaps this reaction is how it's suppose to be when it's right? And honestly, things are so much better when you don't have this and that reservation about the product/service you're supposed to work with and what value you can bring to the table, when it just simply makes perfect sense.

When someone actually seem to appreciate me for being me because of my particular skillset and broad background - where the common denominators have been communication and text production in various forms - and not despite it. Rather liberating. And surprising. As much as I got them they seem to get me. 

Not sure what will happen now, but I've decided to feel stoked because it's a great feeling. I've also decided to trust the process - which isn't my strongest feature (hello impatience my ol' friend) - and when things happen they are meant to.

My weekend will now be spent working with the next chapters in the grief recovery process handbook and prepare for our next group session, first after a month's break, next week. It is a time for healing, tears, laughter and meaningful insights. It is the time for moving on. 

And dancing under the stars.