mind games

Hello, blog, it's been a while.

My days lately, well these past few months really, have been overshadowed by my (these days) constant companions of stress, worry and sadness. One would be enough, two is a crowd, the third one is bound to follow. This situation has also meant I've struggled with what to blog about. To write about bright and beautiful things, which there are too, and inspiration, felt false.

To, on the other hand, write about how partly Weltschmerz really has become a firm fixture in my life, and partly how the battle I've been fighting back and forth for two plus years now still feels uphill, well that's depressing. Sometimes, many times, writing down your struggles help you figure out solutions though. So here goes. Some worries and stress are for very tangible, personal reasons, others are for the state of the world, how we treat animals, the environment, eachother.

Since I can't solve the state of the world on my own - but continue to make healthy, kind choices every day. Peace begins on your plate and in your daily choices. - , or today, I need to focus on how to solve my own personal situation in the parts they need solving. I'm rather (understatement of the year) tired of short term solutions, I'm looking for longterm ones now. To stress and worry less.

Everything is figureoutable, as someone wise said. So in order to figure things out, as best I can, I've written every little (or not so little) worry and problem down. And possible solutions.

Came to the conclusion there were eight main things and areas of worry. Some of them have been solved already, others I can't do anything about but wait, while others I'm still in the process of figuring out.



I'm happy to report that Ztina, poor little kitty, is doing fine on her medication. We had a check-up at the veterinarian the other day and he said her heart looked almost normal. Possibly, for unknown reasons, it was a serious infection that caused the heart condition and fluids. I will continue with the heart medication for some weeks and then return for another check-up and hopefully talk about phasing the medication out. Fingers crossed.

On the not so happy side is the realisation that both my ex-team mates knew fully well that the client hadn't paid the December invoice. Yet they decided to not disclose that information with me, instead let me work hard all January too not knowing there was a real danger we wouldn't get paid. That they chose to be so negligent with their own money and time is one thing. That they decided for me too is not in any single way decent behaviour. Had I known, which I should have, I would not have continue to work in January until that invoice was paid. Since I had lost my trust in the client well before Christmas already.

That deception from an ex-team I treasured and trusted is really rough to move on from in itself.

Very short story - the January invoice never got paid. The client decided to declare bankruptcy. And start another company the next week. Plus take the employees for a recreational trip to Italy. True story. I'm really not sure this is even legal. Ethical and fair it most certainly isn't. And their business reputation is obviously below zero.

Still figuring my next move here. I'm sure Karma will do her bit too.



The non stop sunshine and heat for six weeks with no rain whatsoever was really rough too. Climate change is so obviously real. Yet most people seem to live their lives like there's no tomorrow, well obviously there won't be. But still, all the car driving, meat eating, shopping, flying, the overall egotistical behaviour from people who refuse to see they too are part of the problem the whole planet is facing. It's exhausting. Once you see the patterns and connect the dots there's no going back.

The refreshing rain for a couple of hours the other week just wasn't enough to drench the thirst of nature. Neither was last night's.

The search for my kind of people continues.

This week I have three things booked on the path of that quest. First a job interview for a position that sounds amazing within a really interesting sustainability organisation that works both nationally and internationally within Europe. Needless to say Ms Sustainability 2018 is very excited about this opportunity.

Second I've been thinking a lot about meditation but never gotten around to practising it with focus. Now I've rekindled with a fellow British Shorthair breeder, via LinkedIn of all places, whose practising chanting and meditation. And she's hosting a drop-in tomorrow. I'm going with an open and curious mind.

Thirdly I'm going to a breakfast seminar on circular economy. Which is bound to be interesting and inspirational.

One might call it a miniature cosmo geek week.



Currently listening to Haevn's Hold on. This is only an excerpt, but it's a lovely taste of the song with the orchestra and strings. And hold on, move on and open mind are now my focus areas. Much better than stress, worry and sadness. Some days I'm better at it than others. Work in progress still. As life is.