hello time out, i need you

These past few days I've experienced stress symptoms I've not known or heard of before. And as they are pretty scary, but as I've understood not uncommon and luckily harmless, I still see them as a warning sign to take a step back.

I will stick my neck out a bit and say it doesn't fill me with joy to put in a lot of hours of hard work above and beyond, where you're basically taken for granted, don't get the least bit of positive feedback from client. Or engagement, trust and much needed mandate. I don't even have the energy to be angry and frustrated anymore. I'm just tired. Jaded.

No matter how much I appreciate my Dream Team and all the amazing things they are, have done and do, the fun we've had (and hopefully will continue to have) I also feel there's only as much that can be done, since the project situation seems endlessly complicated in layers upon layers. I'm open to major changes for the better, but I'm also realist enough to see that most likely will not happen.

I'll of course continue to do everything I've signed up for, because that's the only right and professional thing to do, for the time set. But I'm putting my firm foot down now and setting my limits. I'm still not a serf. None of us are.

What started as a passion project, that gave a lot of energy and fun has turned into something energy draining. An uphill struggle of Sisyphean proportions. Like wading in treacle. I've lost my sparkle. Not in general, never, but for this.

It's just not productive to work with seemingly grown up people who can't treat others with decency, trust, respect and at least a moderate amount of appreciation.

Also. It isn't really nice to find yourself in a situation that brings about too much grump, anger, frustration and annoyance. It's just utterly tiresome. Stressful and unproductive. Thank goodness for the "grounded in happiness" personality. Still, when you loose your much enjoyed, loved mojo and feeling of such fun within a certain situation, it's so darn difficult to get it back knowing it would take so much change from other people than yourself. And you can only be responsible for your own change.

My reaction has been building up during the autumn, the only reason it hasn't reached its boiling point until now is the team. But now it has and there's no point denying it. It has been an amazing journey. Learnt so much, had such fun. I will still put in my hours, but unless something drastically positive happens I will not see this as a part of a longterm puzzle for goodness. Just a job I signed up for, nothing more, nothing less. And my passion belongs somewhere else.

I have no idea how this will unfold in the weeks to come, it's Christmas and New Year's, which most always is another excuse to not take responsability for anything but the holidays. And I say that without the least bit of Grinch, just establish a fact of December life.

My coming weeks will be revolving around other clients and jobs that don't fill me with this much frustration and stress reactions (and sadness because of all the obvious awesomeness, perfection, action that could, should happen here but doesn't because of the above reasons).

And while I'm in the process of analyzing myself, my feelings and reactions, putting my (happy shoes clad) feet down, setting boundaries this has also made me scrutinize how and what I want the pink vegan meringue situation to evolve into. Yes, I trust my instinct, yes I trust the process, I know it's right despite the oddness of it all. But this week has been even more confusing. And the first step will not be mine, it will be welcome, necessary, but not mine. Just so you know. I will leave it up to you to figure that one out. I'm sure you can. To talk, listen, ironing things out a bit. Life is precious. And much shorter than we think.

Or we could just back down to neutral gear. Keep it short and unsweetened. There's always that option. To be honest, I'm not even sure this delightful, unexpected, pink, vegan meringue situation give me energy anymore. Oh, I don't know. Feeling a bit lost, free falling. I just wish life, this, could be less complicated and more straight forward. What's meant to be will be. Life has a special talent for sorting these things out.

Today was also the Lucia Day in Sweden. In a winter wonderland. With icy streets. The only celebration I did was having the above cup of tea calendar love tea and a sweet breakfast with a friend. I haven't even baked this year's first batch of lussebullar (insert a face in utter shock). And I also had a really nice lunch with a LinkedIn-contact, who happens to live in my suburb.

And while I waited for her outside the restaurant today I noticed a little ol' lady with a walker coming my way. Suddenly I realised she had stopped in front of me. Thought she was having a rest or wanted to ask something so I smiled at her. And she said the sweetest thing "I just want to say that you are so cute. One gets happy by looking at you. Yes really cute." (I wore my fabulous happy coat number 1.) Oh thank you so much, how sweet of you to say so! True story. Apparently I appeal to the old folks of my suburb, remember the older gentlemen who complimented me in another sweet, unexpected way a couple of months ago. With all the things above going on, I needed this. The unexpected sweetness from a random stranger.

It's a funny thing, that when you get complimented by senior citizens on the looks, outfits, exterior features it's endearing and appreciated. It makes me happy, in an uncomplicated way. But if it is by people closer to my own age, if it isn't a very casual 'great dress, cute blouse, fab shoes' I so prefer to be complimented for my accomplishments, values and quirky intellect. Even if it's an incomprehensibly intellectual one.

From stress reactions, grump galore to the sweetness of unexpected compliments. Getting things written down, thoughts sorted, in blog public, is always liberatingly cathartic.

Hello, time out, much needed, we will get along swell, I'm sure. Tea and candles galore.