tuesday thoughts, july 2020

I challenged myself to write a post per day in July, and half way through that's just what I've done. I'm not sure it's very "me" to post this often though, when nothing much can happen currently, for obvious reasons, it can be a stretch to come up with something worthwhile. But then again, give me a subject and I can babble away about most anything.

This everyday-posting has actually put some much needed structure into my daily life, given me more inspiration to both write as well as accomplish other little things. Many small steps will eventually turn into a big one. I write therefore I am. And I long for the day when I'll finally feel I'm back in the flow again, back to feeling a glimmer of hope for something better, behind the corner of the now.

For every job or gig application I send I can't help but feeling that dubiety about what the employer's think and plan for the imminent future, for the jobs that are meant to start in August/September. The pandemic isn't going anywhere soon and then there'll probably be a second wave (like we're already seeing happen in other countries, lock-downed or not...).

I am not willing to put myself (or people I care for) at risk for that, using public transport, socialising indoors and no matter if I keep my social distance, wearing a mask, there are too many who are cavalier and don't care if they spread or get the virus. I don't have a car, I don't have a driver's licence. There's no way I can get myself anywhere, as things are now. I obviously don't mind working from home, something I've mostly been doing these past +8 years.

But even if many Swedish employer's have let people (in jobs where it's possible) work from home all Spring, how will they react to that after Summer? Any reasonable, caring employer would obviously not put its employees at risk, but what about interviews and on-boarding? Again, it has never been an issue with all that when it comes to overseas clients, or clients in other parts of Sweden, most things are done digitally these days anyway. Still, I think about these *hypothetically* issues too. The way my mind works.

Sometimes I think it would actually be easier to work for an overseas employer (or as an alternative, go back to finding decent overseas clients. But that feels somewhat backwards, I want to go forward! But a way to keep various options open. Even if it's currently pretty exhausting to keep just one main focus going...)

On the other hand, perhaps, given the circumstances, what's needed in the here and now, is simply getting money in and surviving rather than finding the dream job/employer right now? Even if I have been searching in vain for so long now, the Universe amidst a pandemic doesn't really care about my dreams as such, I suppose. The waiting game, is a long game.

I try and shy away of reading the most perky updates on LinkedIn, you know the ones that basically says look at me I've just got a gazillion new clients/have found a great new job, that I will start after the holidays/having a lovely summer traveling around Sweden savouring every blissful moment of beauty and life. Also implying that if YOU haven't achieved that it's your own fault and you're not trying hard enough. Because that is obviously what everyone is capable of amidst a universal trauma with no clear answers and a solution in sight, and on top of that the climate emergency.

I've never really compared myself with others, we all have different paths to walk, different places and circumstances to be in, at different times in life. We all have demons to battle, even if we show a glossy facade. But really, when our worlds have shrunk so drastically (at least for us privileged...), a vast amount of people losing their jobs, their companies, gigs, not to mentioned their lives and loved ones, during these past five months, I find it pretty darn offensive, and not the least bit inspirational, and totally clueless, to keep posting such updates. Ugh.

On the brighter side, seems like the latest fungal infection-cream I got is working great. It looked considerably better after only one day's use and now it seems to be almost gone. You're suppose to use it one more week after it looks to be healed, so I guess that'll be next weekend. I do hope I'll be able to return to my nuud-deo then... Question is though, why didn't the pharmacist offer me this cream first, instead of two very poor options that also made the area itchier and very dry...? Sigh.

Have just placed an order on a few face masks from Palava - remember the budgie skirt, the sausage dog cardigan and the sheep dress? -, made from pretty fabric scraps. It's not obligatory in Sweden (no surprise), but it seems like many scientists now claim that even if it doesn't give 100% protection it's a decent extra precaution alongside practicing social distancing and washing your hands a lot. While it won't protect me, it will protect you, and if you wear one it will protect me hence if we both wear one we will protect each other. Simple as that.

A while back every Stockholmer was offered a free and reliable corona test. Problem is/was that we could only get the test taken at two places, if you don't live nearby you need a car or public transport to get there. It's crazy that you couldn't get them at your local care centre or on a corona test-centre on wheels. Now the 100.000 free tests are already used up. So I'm not sure all of us who haven't had the test yet can do it.

See, after the awful what-I-thought-was-a-mere-cold, but a very long lasting one, in March/April, I've experienced weird after-effects, quite similar to my health year 2012. (the down to a vitamin deficiency, which obviously isn't an issue these days.) Of course they can just be the body-and-mind-effects acting to a traumatic new world. But as I've read those symptoms aren't unusual post-covid-recovery-effects, for people who've had milder symptoms or showing no symptoms at all, I've been thinking that taking that test would be pretty useful. To be continued.



This beautiful boy passed away today. Rutger was one of my mum's two remaining cats, he lived with his brother Rupert with his mum Greta (who passed away in December 2018, almost 19 years old). My breeding, but he moved to her after he was neutered. He was Viola's dad and Ågot's grand-dad. He would have been 15 on my birthday, October 25. But he declined quickly these past couple of days, after never having been sick once in his life (like my Waldemar last month). And fell forever asleep on my mum's balcony this evening.



He was always a pretty shy boy, but I hope he felt he had a good life. And a peaceful passing. And now he will be reunited with his bestie, Knut. Even if he was never really close with his brother Rupert, I wonder how he'll feel being the only cat now... The only certainty in life is death. But nevertheless, it's almost always rough when it comes knocking. Again.