Saturday, September 24, 2016

september highlights


Hello there. 

It has been over two weeks since I blogged. (The reason is not that the blogoversary celebrations where heavy. Really.) And it certainly isn't for a lack of matters to blog about. I've written lots of posts in my head these past few weeks. None of which obviously haven't made it to online status. And now I'm not really sure where to begin.

So, this won't be structured. This will be deeply emotional, this will be light-hearted and possibly frivolous, this will be about sorrow and happiness. In other words, this will be a bit of a long post.


:: First of all - I didn't get the part-time job I had hoped for. They said they'd settled for someone with slightly more experience of the tasks, but they thought I was great too. At least they took the time to call me up and tell me that. Which is a rare rare thing these days alas... Apparently they never got in touch with any of the referees either so the person they hired must have been oustanding in their fields.

But you know what? The more I thought about the job, the more trapped I felt. Sure it was within easy access from home by train - but it would also mean crossing the county border thus forcing me to pay 100% more for the monthly train card. Sure it was a brilliant half-time job - but instead of me working 2,5 days per week they wanted me to work half-days every day. Which is just crazy since that would mean I had to waste 1,5 hours commuting every day and not really being able to do my best for neither them nor running my business with focus for the rest of the time. And having to comply with that schedule for one year - scary and limiting. Also, the salary level crossing the county borders (even if really, it is a suburb of Stockholm still) means lower payment. Which would obviously mean quite low given half-time plus that mad train ticket as well as the stress of having to deal with working in an office environment every darn day for a year.

So all and all, in hindsight I feel this was for the best. Now I'm all open to exciting stuff instead, that suits my lifestyle and what I want from life. To be honest, I was more upset with the fulltime marketing and community manager job that never happened - because if it had been as great as it sounded on paper and felt after the first interview, it would have been something new and exciting to deal with.

So I'm all good about this. In fact I'm proud of how great I am at this resilience thing. And I'm looking forward to more work and clients that suit my needs and wants better. Welcome, welcome.


:: The Indian summer weather has been pretty glorious for most of the days, sure the evenings and early mornings for most days have become distinctively chillier. But the average temperature has been around +15C degrees, some days even more. From a global warming perspective this scares me a lot. But in the here and now I try to enjoy the surprising warmth and generous sunny days, the vitamin D.


:: Since September 1st I've been consulting per hour for my May client. Which is pretty good, it may not be creatively exciting tasks as such, but I know the organisation and what they want, the people are really nice and I have been able to invoice a decent amount since then. I've calculated that if I could do this regularly - and obviously it doesn't have to be for this client only - for 3 days/week I would almost meet my monthly goal in what I want as a salary. And it's enough that I pop by their office on the odd occasion to talk things through. Perfect.


:: It is now six months since M passed away. For me to move on to the next stage in the sorrow process (whatever that may be, I'm not sure myself) I realise I have to tell the people that have hurt me the most during his passing, his relatives, just how I feel and have felt about their behaviour. 

So I wrote draft a couple of weeks ago - only finally writing it was a relief - and have returned to it, rewritten and thought about it since. I will email it this week. I just want to tell my side of the story, I don't expect or want any explanations or discussions. They have clearly decided to delete my importance from M's life, something I will never be able to forget, obviously its incredibly hurtful for a lot of reasons. Perhaps I will be able to forgive some day, but not now. But just sending this email is catharctic and important for me. Not doing so would seriously belittle both myself and M, and our years together.


:: I've been meaning to write about that organic. muesli I 'discovered' at the Yelp event in May, but I've never gotten around to it. But since I won an annual consumption worth of it last week on Instagram, I might as well write a few words right now.

It's a lovely, German brand called MyMuesli - which encapsulate a lot of things I love: organic, colourful, healthy, vegetarian and vegan (when the products don't contain honey or dairy products like chocolate) with a dash of humour. When you sample the mueslis in store there's always oat milk or soygurt available too.

As far as I know they only have stores in Germany, Switzerland, UK, Netherlands and Sweden (Stockholm), possibly you can order online in the rest of Europe too. You can either mix your own unique muesli (which makes for endless variations) or chose one of their regular lovelies. Because yes, lovely they are. Most of the mueslis I've tried has been great (with a couple of exceptions), but my favourites so far is the Paleo Coconut, Mango, Berry and the brand new one as seen in the happy winning picture above - StockholmMuesli. Lovely design of one of my favourite views of Stockholm and a crunchy, fruity granola-like muesli. Only available in Stockholm or the Swedish webstore obviously (like four other limited editions for Sweden).

I'm such a happy, happy winner! Obviously.

This makes my third awesome win in an Instagram competition in a year. I'm thinking I should add this special knack to my CV.


:: The trip to Freiburg is now booked! One might think booking through a travel agent would make things so much smoother, right? Well it has not. Because even if I'm pretty flexible about dates, it has been quite tricky to get a room at a conveniently located central hotel that accept vouchers. But now I have one - and since I definitely prefered that over a more expensive hotel, for various reasons, I also get to fly with a bit of luxury added - as well as the plane- and train tickets (from Frankfurt to Freiburg, looking forward to travel by train in Germany!). It's weird that it's more expensive to travel solo than in pair, so the 4 days for 2 did not extend into at least a week for 1, but 5 days and 4 nights. Which I suppose is rather perfect for a solo trip as this.

So the week before my birthday I'll head south and enjoy some lovely, lovely days exploring a green city on my own. And before I had even booked the trip I did get that new suitcase I contemplated, it's darling and in bright, apple green. Ready to be filled my many, new and fabulous memories.


:: Early March I saw this stunner of a coat from Marimekko online. All flowery in orange, yellow and white on a black background. It wasn't obvious what kind of material it was made of, but I saved the photo on my mobile and have had a crush on that coat ever since. 

When it finally turned up in the Autumn collection last month it turned out to be a padded coat devoid of animal matter, which made me want it even more. Rather pricey, but not nearly as prices as some of their other coats or clothes. I thought I might at least try it on in store to see if it was something I should continue to dream of or not. It was gorgeous. The upper sleeves were too tight for me, but the rest was just as stunning as in that initial picture.

I've thought a lot about this coat. In fact, as ridiculous as it may seem, it has become symbolic in many ways. Apart from its gorgeousness - the print is a revival from 1970 called Pieni Pioni - it's vegan (I'm not shucking out my old wool clothes or leather shoes, but at least I can make better choices from now on) and completely different both in fabric and style from anything else I have in my wardrobe. It's another kind of happy coat than the Marimekko one from 3 years ago, for another type of weather.

I decided it would be one of those new, positive memories, from a year that turned my life upside down in sad sad way, and what would be better than give it to myself as an early birthday gift? From deciding on that to it arriving at my door, less than 48 hours.

And you know what, it fits so well! Just as the above mentioned happy coat #1, even if the model is very different. And given it'll be a great autumn/winter coat for many years it's a reasonable price really. Welcome fabulous happy coat #2!

There, happiness, sorrow, frivolity and emotions - two weeks of my life turned into one blog post of highlights.

Thursday, September 08, 2016

the 11th years blogoversary


Today its apparently 11 years since I started blogging. And how my voice, and my life, has changed since that first, tentative post. How much I have grown.


Of course this year has been completely overshadowed by the death of my life partner M, and my energy levels for blogging isn't what they used to be. But when I do blog I tend to want to write a lot instead. So who cares if it's pretty irregular posting these days, after all the only constant in life, and blogging, is that it changes all the time. The posting, the reading and not least the commenting.


That said, I spent this glorious Indian summer blogoversary day visiting a lovely art and design exhibition at one of my favourite museums in Stockholm, Millesgården (blogged in 2007). The Austrian designer/architect Josef Frank's amazing, famous fabrics for posh Stockholm design store Svenskt Tenn (Swedish Pewter) was on display and it was just such a wonderful, inspiring atmosphere. 


Being able to saunter from the Frank exhibition to the delightful, permanent sculpture garden and home of Swedish sculptor Carl Milles and back was both soul soothing, inspirational and not least energising.


I have a gazillion photos in the iPhone, but only a small handfull have been edited so for now, some highlights only.


Finished the day off with a rather late organic, vegan lunch (at 4.30 pm, living dangerously) and a dito icecream (passionfruit sorbet).


And a lot of walking in between. Nothing spectacular, just really lovely in an unpretentious, colourful and soul soothing way. The perfect, little celebration of the milestone that is the 11th blogoversary, if you ask me.


Happy blogoversary, dear blog readers, 

I'm so grateful that some of you have stuck around for a long time, reading my rants, about my ups and downs, letting me pour my heart out and along the way I've hopefully given you some laughters and inspiration in return - so, why not treat yourself to some cake and celebrate a bit too!

Thursday, September 01, 2016

goodbye august, hello september

garden, sweden, august 2016 -

It has been quite the summer, both incredibly slow and very happening. It is now officially autumn in Sweden. September is upon us. Wistful and exciting at the same time.

The weather was glorious and warm today with mild breezes and glimpses of sun. A lovely start on the season of new beginnings. And I hope there'll be plenty of opportunities for breakfast in my special corner of the garden still.

August has been an overall great month, and the things that didn't go my way have at least been great lessons learnt.

On the very last day of August I had a lovely meetup with a friend that I met once upon at time at one of those networking walk and talk sessions - she has been very supportive after M's passing and also on a professional level. In general we just click a lot when it comes to how we look at work vs living, freedom vs security. We meet up about once a month or every other month and spend hours talking over coffee or lunch. Uplifting, inspirational, affirming and overall fabulous in all its simplicity.

In the evening the local women's shelter showed the movie "Suffragette" at the town hall. Great movie, infuriating, moving and inspirational. We've come a long way when it comes to gender equality but there is still a long way to go.

And needless to say it is disheartening that in this day and age, the 21st century, there are still countries, cultures, religions and men that oppress women and human rights in the worst of ways.

I haven't heard back from the interview I went to last week yet, unfortunately - and you know the feeling that the more days that pass the more uncertain you get about those great vibes... - so please, keep those fingers crossed still.

But today, on the first day of September I had a good meeting with that May client and we've decided on a casual long-term arrangement with me working as a consultant per hour when they have extra communication and web work that needs doing and I have the time. I can work from home but am welcome to sit in their office if I want/need to. Neat indeed.

Apparently they haven't gotten in touch with either of my referees yet regarding the job above, so who knows when the that feedback will come really, despite them telling me at the interview that it would be this week. Usually I wouldn't obsess so much over this, employment process can be a long-ish winding story, but since the one year temp job would start on September 12 there's not much room to play with... Plus, at this moment in time I would really love to get those work puzzle pieces in place...

Be as that may, somehow those pieces will fall perfectly in place this autumn I'm sure. One way or another. If one door closes, others open. And that's a fact not only a clichè.

I'm also quite excited that I will now be able to finally plan for the Schwarzwald trip I won last November. I've decided to travel solo, which hopefully will mean I can stay longer than those 4 days for 2 persons. And the solo-bit will certainly be an adventure all on its own. Whenever I've travelled solo up until now it has either been within Sweden or to visit friends abroad.

I've always been both curious and impressed by those people who seem to enjoy travelling solo, because despite my (social) introvert personality and loving to spend time in my own company I definitely prefer to share travel and food experiences, plus it generally feels more secure to be two when in a foreign country. But I'm also aware that I have been relying too much on M in certain parts of my life, thus I may make a bigger deal of this than it really is. This trip will simply be a fantastic opportunity for growth and inspiration. And healing. Not least have I bookmarked lots of vegan restaurants on Yelp, that they apparently have a plethora of in Freiburg. How great is that?!

I'm contemplating the perfect time for the trip, given the travel agency can book everything with my instructions, I will probably go late September or possibly late October on my birthday. Although admittedly, the notion of dining solo in Freiburg on my birthday doesn't really fill me with joy. It may be a step too far for a solo travel adventure.

Since my old suitcase is a bit too large, rather worn and torn, so I'm also looking for a great new one. A new suitcase for collecting new memories. It must be colourful (green or pink obviously), practical, sturdy and reasonably priced. After reading reviews I think I know which one it'll be, but these days it seems awfully tricky to find irl shops with the full range of colours in whatever thing you are looking for. Online shopping in all its convinience, sometimes it is preferable to be able to see, touch and try before buying. Especially something as symbolic, in this case, as a new suitcase.

Goodbye August, you were pretty awesome,
hello September, I'm quite excited to meet you!

Saturday, August 27, 2016

my perfect contemplation corner


Remember when I painted this Adirondack chair years ago? Since it's actually pretty comfy it has been residing indoors since. But when I changed things around a bit this spring - due to unexpected life events... - I put it out in the garden near the fragrant mock orange, which has since obviously been overgrown by the amazing clematis. Didn't realize it would become one of my favourite spots in the garden this summer, but it certainly has been!


Weather and time allowed it is the perfect place to enjoy breakfast, fika and contemplation. It's my thinking and life enjoying chair. Sitting there on a warm summer day, in the shade, mild breezes and the cats flocking around me for cuddles I know I'm so blessed and grateful for all the wonderful things I have in my life, have had, will have.


My clematis is bigger than yours! And the picture does not do it justice.


Hopefully there will be quite a few more moments of this and breakfasts al fresco still this season. But one thing's for sure, I will miss my perfect contemplating, gratitude corner lots when weather turns autumn.


How many cats can you spot here?

Do you have a perfect contemplation spot too?
Tell me all about it!

Thursday, August 25, 2016

what a work of a day


Today I had the second job interview booked a month ago - I'm glad to say that it was nothing at all like the blooper of last week. All good vibes and overall a very nice chat with a couple of really nice women basically. And no less professional just because it was nice and friendly.

I'll get an answer next week. What can be a negative for me is that even if the advert said half-time post there's also a possibility to work full-time until the end of the year, and I simply can't do that at one single workplace 9-5, 5 days per week. My mind. body and soul need a mix of people and solitude, places and assignments to be happy and productive. Of course I can slide a bit on the 50% - 100% scale but not a lot (if I'm not able to work from home regularly).

It took me a long burn-out syndrome sick-leave to really grasp that. There's no turning back from that fact, not even my need for financial stability, since I know I wouldn't be true to myself then. And that's so important in all aspects of life. So hopefully they aren't in desperate need for a full-time person on the advertised half-time post. Because it was that that called my name so beautifully. And it seems like quite a golden opportunity to use both my background as a lawyer and my current copywriter/social media nerd occupation. Fingers firmly crossed.

- It was also a bit of an everyday adventure to take the commuter train to the very end station (two stations from my stop) of the northern commuter train line. I rarely go there by train since it's one station passed the county border and the already rather expensive travel card price is actually the double. Of course you can pay with a single ticket and add that to your regular monthly travel card, but that's not viable doing twice every day if you work there. So if you commute over the county border regularly you actually have to pay a ridiculous sum of money for your travel card. And it's the same thing if you travel to the furthest southern station. Which is basically crazy since it's a commuter train that serves the Stockholm area, it's part of the Stockholm public transportation system and not everyone can live in the city or the nearby suburbs. End of general rant. -

I then got a call from the place I worked at full-time in May, asking if I could possibly do some extra work for them more or less regularly - since the two communicators I worked with then had given their notice and there's now only one left. I'd be very happy to. I know the organisation, I know their work and website (which I helped to migrate back then). And I'll be able to work from home with the odd office meeting here and there, since they already know I'm reliable. Best. Thing. Ever.

The slightly funny thing though is that I suspect the communication manager did a bit of sleuthing, especially after I had the perfect opportunity to ask if she would be one of my referees for the part-time job, being very curious about if I was only interested in part-time and not full-time by any chance. But no, again, I really need to carve out a work-life balance that makes me happy and fulfilled.

Then spent a portion of the day chasing after the purchase order for my latest social media management gig in order to be able to invoice - I'm very grateful that hasn't been a big thing, not getting paid in time by clients. So far. Fingers crossed. Which I understand is quite a bit of a hassle for many freelancers. - I then got it this evening so now it's up to me to fill in that invoicing correctly. I wish I could simply send my own usual invoice, but I guess some agencies have a lot of freelancers and different departments that need to interpret those, so okey then.

- Seriously though, all these on- and offline documents and forms that need to be filled in all the time, jeez. I wonder how much time we spend doing that in general.

I've also applied for another couple of good long-term gigs a few hours per week. I hope both of them get in touch of course, but I can settle for one if I must. Oh it would be just wonderful to be able to set up a schedule for 6 months - a year with a different blend of regular gigs and work. Which at the same time leaves room for other projects and interesting collabs. Dream scenario.

So at the moment there's a whole lot of finger crossing going on. You are so very welcome to join me.

PS. The sweet horse sculpture in the picture? It's a piece of wood art in the reception area at the place I had my interview today called called 'Resting horses'. I enjoyed it a lot. DS.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

five months later



After the first month I haven't really thought about the date 23 as such, but yesterday evening it hit me. And when I woke up this morning even more. Five months. Really.

It's still a long, winding road to go. But some days are really good, great even, others not so much. I'm very much looking forward to the days of sadness, melancholy, anger and worry are trumped by the ones without.

But it was a very warm and generous day with blue skies today. And this late summer evening brought a starry night. Which I think is rather amazing given that even if I live in a rural suburb it has a lot of street lights and spots that often spoil those beautiful starry evenings. 

I also had a very good meeting today, which went much better than the blooper of the other day. Which hopefully will lead to a great experience on a non-profit-making-the-world-a-better-place level. A chance to inspire change and learn lots about sustainability. Another piece in the jigsaw puzzle that I want my life to be.

So even if it was a rather emotional day it was also a day of possibilities and new beginnings. A day of tears but also a day of sunshine and blue skies.

Death. And life.

Monday, August 22, 2016

trust the gut

wenngarn castle and dammstugan vedugn, august 2016 -

You know the feeling when you fit bang on perfect for a postion on paper, when the first interview goes really really well and you get all psyched up looking forward to the next one? And it goes all terribly wrong, because you really really don't speak the same language? In fact it may be doubtful you even live on the same planet. 

Yup. That just happened to me.

Remember the interview for (what seemed like a great job) I had booked for the week before last? It went very well, the recruitment company was really nice and the meeting was lovely. Last week it was time for the meeting at the actual startup company, which I obviously looked forward to lots.

But it turned out to be a very awkward meeting. In fact one of the weirdest ones I've ever been to. To put all those impressions into short: we really really didn't speak the same language. At all. And with blasé stonefaces they looked at me like I as was a UFO. My immediate gut feeling said NO, to be honest I actually felt like standing up and say 'hey guys, this doesn't feel right, thanks but I'm gonna leave now'. And that's certainly a rare feeling for me. Had a great feedback talk with the recrutitment company today and I was glad to hear that the feeling was mutual. Trust the gut. So I'm grateful I never had to deal with an offer given my gut feeling.

The recrutiment company were also surprised at how very differently they resp the company's CEO had perceived me - happy and inspirational vs shy and bad at selling myself. The shy thing I have no idea about, the bad at selling myself, well that could definitely have been the above mentioned feeling of simply cutting the meeting short and say 'bye'. And to be quite frank, mr CEO and the other guy at the meeting (whose role I still haven't really figured out), you were certainly not good at selling your company with passion and enthusiasm either. Good luck to the one that fits and gets the job, I'm really curious whom that would be.

All and all, a great position (marketing and community manager) I'd absolutely jump with joy at in a startup company showing the right chemistry, where people actually seem happy and truly engaged in what they're doing and where we click - but this was not it for me, or them, alas.

I'm also baffled that many companies don't realise that an interview situation isn't only a case of them scrutinizing a presumptive new employee, but most certainly they will have to impress that person too. It's a two-way interview not a one-way. And if you as a company fail at that from the start, its very likely you'll not get to see the best from the interviewee.

Now I'm very glad that I have a new contact at a great recruitment company, which seem to care a lot about both the candidate and the presumptive new employer. I'm also very grateful to the person who recommended me for the job. It's been a very interesting 2 weeks journey, of course I had hoped for much more given how awesome the month of August begun and how high hopes I had, but still a neat experience. For the gut and me.

So now I'm recharging for the first booked interview on Thursday instead. Where we'll hopefully click in a much better way. It certainly isn't as cool a job, where I would be able to put my own stamp on the role as much, in what could have been an exciting startup environment, but it does have other fine advantages. I will trust my gut.

Monday, August 15, 2016

stockholm august cavalcade


Making the most of the first week of commuter trains back on track (pun intended) for me meant three Stockholm outings (a mix of business and pleasure), another outing and then I was, as an introvert, peopled out. But also very happy of the things I experienced, big and small, the people I met, the things I ate, during the week.


I have to say that after two laboursome, stressful months of substitute buses it was simply luxurious to be able to ride the train again. Funny how something reasonable (like the public transport working) one take for granted suddenly is a luxuary. And very very much appreciated.


Though after the first week of August the weather has alas been very fickle, with some quite chilly days for summer. Which makes me sad. August was always such a lovely, but wistful, late summer month of mild, beautiful evenings. These past few years it hasn't been sadly. Hello global warming in Scandinavia.


But even if it's been a few chilly days it's still very much summer, you just have to put a cardigan on. So what's up with all these weird people actually wearing high boots, quilted jackets and mittens (yes really!)? The very same people that complain about the cold, long Swedish winters obviously don't grasp the idea of enjoying the summer fully. Mindboggling. And just because your summer holidays are over doesn't mean you have to start wearing autumnal clothes. Embrace the natural vitamin D, folks.


That said, here are some highlights of the the city that's my home from the week that was - enjoy ~

Monday, August 08, 2016

international cat day 2016


Even if obviously every day is a cat day, today is apparently Cat Day with a very capital C. Internationally so.

Therefore I give you my top three ingredients for a happy home. Plus a very happy one of those.


Happy International Cat Day, 
one and all!

Sunday, August 07, 2016

hello august


To be honest, it has not only been a Lovely Day, but a lovely week. Keep going in this awesome way, August, so far you've rocked!


Monday: started the week painting circus nails (it's been far too long) and I think the colour combination is just spot on adorable - from left Essie Lilacism + First Timer and Chanel May + Mimosa + Coco Blue.


Tuesday: had a great vegan lunch with a friend at a vegetarian/vegan/raw place I hadn't tried before (Hälsocafét). This is a delicious plate of noodle salad with pulled VegMe (a new Swedish soy protein brand) and peanut sauce. The iced oat latte on top is also from that day. Loved all the colours and our good chat. (Although that picture was taken about 5 seconds before the rain just poured down.)

That day I also got a call from a recruiter wondering if I'd like to come for an interview for a position in a fun startup. Of course I would! So that's booked for Monday. Full-time position, but flexible and independent work so hopefully I would be able to shape my role so it suits both them and me well. Fingers crossed for good vibes Monday.

So now I'm looking forward to not only one, but two interviews, for in their own different ways, awesome jobs. Lucky me.


Wednesday: I've been looking forward to a really great pedicure for so long now. It has been too long since last. This was bliss. My mum got M and me pedicure gift cards for Xmas - we used them for this more than well-deserved treat, mum and I. So if not there in person, M was with me in thought.


Afterwards we had planned to see an exhibition at the Modern Museum, which is now one of the museums with free entrance in Stockholm. But for some odd reason this exhibition had a hefty price and no, no I'm not that keen on seeing it. So we settled for a walk around the regular exhibitions and most of all a really memorable lunch. 

The fab museum restaurant serves a daily soup which is always vegan (I'm still amazed how fairly easy it is these days to find good plantbased food eating out. And even more amazed when it's not an exception but the rule. *Insert lots of hearts*). This day it was carrot and coconut, with a topping of croutons and roasted seeds. It was absolutely delicious. Spot on flavours and satisfying. The view that came with it didn't really hurt either. Such a wonderful summer Stockholm day it was. (Nb my Accidental Colour Coordination Syndrome showing again.)


Thursday: 99,99% of my time in public I use dresses or skirts. I feel restrained, uncomfortable and awkward in trousers. But since there would be quite a bit of heavy lifting and garbage recycling on Friday I took this ol' pair out on a test ride. I own 3 pair of pants, but the other two are in light linen so these are the only pair suitable for some kind of semi-hard labour. It was a reasonably painless experience wearing trousers again, but it's not something I'll do regularly ever again. Funnily enough though, my goal for the wee trousers outing was to pick up a skirt at the post-office.


Remember I wrote about a fantastic budgie skirt I'd seen, but that was out of my current price league? I've saved for it and when summer sales (at Bryony & Co, amazing vintage style clothes with lots of animal prints) came I went for it. Actually I wanted the navy one, not the pink but this was the only one sale so I went for it. It's absolutely gorgeous. 

But, a big but, the waist is much smaller than expected which makes the skirt much shorter on me so alas it needs to be amended to fit as I want (no larger sizes to chose from). Such a nuisance when sizes aren't what you expect, it's one thing when you can easily return it to the shop and it's a more average garment, quite another when it's a beauty like this plus a more hefty return fee. I'm really not capable of making the amendment looking professional myself so I guess I'll have to get it to a tailor asap. So despite the sales it will be a bit costly, the budgie skirt. But it'll be worth it. Isn't there a saying that the best things in the wardrobe don't come easy? And if there wasn't I've just coined it.


Friday: finally I got help transporting all those big, black garbage bags with mainly garden debris and the old kitchen sofa etc to the recycling station. The fact that I couldn't do it myself since it demanded a car, a trailer and an extra pair of willing hands has really been weighing me down. I have zero interest in socializing with my neighbours, saying hello passing by on the street is the only social level I'm fine with, so that wasn't/will never be an option. And finding friends that have a car/driver's licence, willing to add a trailer, living reasonably nearby, have the time, or for that matter inclination, to help that has not been easy. 

And yes, I don't like to ask for help, I want to be able to do everything myself. Having relied on M for things like this all these years, now not having that natural and obvious help anymore, has really brought out the Must. Do. Myself-feeling in abundance. In parts ridiculously so.

Independance is all good in general. But sometimes it also gets you stuck because once in a while you are not in a very practical way able to do it yourself. And then the seemingly insignificant things that are actually easily fixed can grow all out of proportion and laying themselves like heavy, wet blankets on your mind.

In the end I asked M's brother and he was happy to help. Which kind of surprised me given the aftermath and strange and unfair behaviour after M's passing... But I'm grateful for it and it felt incredibly good to get this done and removed from my back garden, from my life. That rubbish was so much connected with anger, resentment, sorrow and abandonement. Be gone.

And yes I'm still very much clueless, angry and sad that M's family - of which I'm apparently not considered a part after +26 years together... - have continously ignored my feelings and what M would have wished for me, kept me out of the loop. He would of course never ever have left me without a reasonable financial stability. 

The fact that I myself could have, should have made different choices now and then during all these years doesn't really help now. It only serves as a very important life lesson and promise to myself never to let that happen again. Which isn't as 'only', just not a practical solution here and now.

And even if there are a lot of exciting, promising things happening now, by my own doing, it would be such an incredible relief having that buffert sorted already. Garbages bags gone. Worries not yet. 


Friday was also the last day I had to take the replacement bus home. I celebrated that with a soy latte. And on the last little bit of regular bus ride from the station I noticed that that bus was a brand new biodiesel bus with both clever little smartphone chargers as well as free wifi. Better late than never, that's awesome. 


Then coming home to this sight is also soothing for the soul and mind. Cats, the poster beings for mindfullness and the everything will be alright-attitude. I'm blessed to be seriously surrounded by that.

Thank you for giving me such
a generally great first week
of your month, August, please
continue to be kind and awesome,
yours gratefully P.
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