Sunday, January 17, 2021

throw me a line

Just when you need it, music appears that speaks to your soul. And in my case, it has more often than not been something new from Haevn these past few years. And for the third year in a row, they were my most played artist on Spotify, and my theme song "Where the Heart is" was still my number one song too (place number two was "Adore you" and apparently I'm one amongst the top 3% who listen to their music on Spotify. There's just something that touch my soul, the special blend of intimate and majestic is simply magical.

2020, I had such high hopes for you. And then you became a mess. Just because humans in general don't respect the natural world and our fellow earthlings, we all have to suffer for it. 

I wanted to write something light hearted, positive and hopeful in the very first post of 2021. But alas I'm not at all in that place now, quite the opposite, I miss my old energetic, grounded in happiness self (I mean, even when M passed away I could feel glimmers of joy and hopefulness). After 10 months of isolation I am drained, tired and have an almost constant brain fog status. There is only as much gratitude on repeat you can feel when there is basically zero input of new insights and meaningful conversations, good meetings and purposeful work to be done.

2020 was suppose to be THE year of new, amazing beginnings, instead it has left me feeling hapless and desolate. The climate angst and Weltschmerz is quite overwhelming. And I cry a lot. Which isn’t really me as I know myself.

I worry about my finances. I desperately want to hold on to the fact that the universe has my back, but currently I worry that there will come a day (in a not so far future) when I won't be able to pay my bills. I'm sad that despite all this searching I haven't been able to find my soul squad and my purpose. It may be 2020 to blame for that too, putting a stop to most things, but it may also be I'm not looking in the right places, my network doesn't really work for my purpose, heck possibly I was born in the wrong time.

I thought I was really good at cultivating my resilience, but after these 10 months and especially a December completely void of sun hours, I'm not sure anymore.

If 2020 hadn't been as it was I probably hadn't done a class in Science of Wellbeing, nor two courses in philosophy. Or the Sustainability Science course. (Got my home exams essay appoved the other week, but I'm quite offended by the grade the essay got. I felt the reading was sloppy and they didn't really understand my point. I know it's a vast subject that need more words, pages and reasoning than the mere 800 words that were our limit, but that diesn’t mean it was that lacking. I will likely argue my case, but on the other hand noone will ever ask for the grade only the fact that I went the course and passed). 

Furthermore I wouldn't have project managed the digital Vegoforum's, nor read as many books that I did (didn't made it to 55, but 52 isn't half bad either).

So of course I’m grateful for those opportunities and results from an otherwise dispiriting year. But now I’m overwhelmingly eager and open to meet my soul squad, my kind of people. Much less worry, less despair and sorrow, more stability, joy and positive green growth, a kinder, compassionate world, please please please, 2021, thank you so very much in advance.

Throw me a line now. 

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