Exactly a year ago I had just returned back home from Schwarzwald and an amazing week of growth and insight, where I marvelled, laughed, cried and ate amazing vegan food. I still haven't written a proper post or two about it, but one of these days...
The trip I wanted to take for this year's birthday won't happen. And I'm thinking it's fine to save that for when I have something real to celebrate, some accomplishment, not just the fact that I've survived another year. So I've decided I will spend the day in solitude, acknowledging how far I've come this past 1+ year and mapping out where I want to be in a year from now. Go for a long walk, think and enjoy the amazing colours October offers. Anything but being social with anyone but myself.
Then suddenly forecast says it will be raining cats and dogs (sadly not literally) on Wednesday so now I'm thinking a plethora of vegan snacks and watching feelgood movies in the sofa, covered by cats, all day would be the way to go. Just being kind to myself and anything but birthday-ish.
Because I desperately need to be kind to myself right now. Partly because as much as I love what I'm working with these days, these past few months, I'm exhausted. I've realised that it has been such intense times. A lot of new people to relate too, new working tools, new clients, adjusting to demands and expectations, and in some cases not having enough background information, meetings, pitches, talks, lunches and networking. And being an intro/ambivert those things take a lot of energy, even when it's inspiring and great. Partly because home related issues.
Too much of the good things. Throw in some bad things and hello there exhaustion. Before the weekend I got some news about an upcoming job meeting which got my gut feeling alarm bells chiming loudly. To cut a long story short I'd much rather have a gastroscopy than attend that meeting, but since I'm the only one based in Sweden in the Dream Team, I didn't feel I could say no. I mean, I've grown so much this past 1+ year so of course I could do it, I'm a professional, I'm great, I'm competent, I'm convincing, I'm unlimited. Etc. Even if I also felt, to be honest, I/we were caught up in something that wasn't our issue to deal with.
Then we had a talk today, we the Dream Team, and the guy in England said he will fly over for the meeting "because Pia needs the support." And I was simply blown away by that kind offer or rather matter of fact statement. If I cried a bit out of gratitude and relief afterwards? Of course I did. Have I mentioned that I work with really good people now?
Still have other, potentially heavy things, to deal with on my own. But just the fact that I don't have to deal with that gut feeling alarm bells meeting on my own is just such a relief. United front of competence, strengths that compliment each other and more voices of reason. Just what I wanted but didn't feel I could ask for.
And admittedly I don't like to ask for help. I'm no damsel in distress, without issues when it comes to showing weaknesses. Strong and independent, that's what I am, need to be. But I've come to realise that asking for help is also a sign of strength. That noone knows and can do everything (obviously) on their own all the time. And that our weaknesses is what make us human. And also strong.
But that sometimes strength comes in numbers. That is something I most certainly learnt through the grief recovery process. Not always easy to apply and accept in your daily life, when stress is involved and expectations are confusing though. So someone taking a very practical and sensible approach, when your gut feeling screams beware, is simply very welcomed.
And I wasn't even stressed that someone offered a kind helping hand, I won't even argue the environmental issue about flying, just being grateful that someone was able to read between the lines. I do believe my mind has evolved since I was so stressed out by a drive offer to the station four months ago.
Sometimes you just have to accept a kind offer. And it is after all what teamwork should be about, having eachother's backs. Next time it's my turn to offer help where help is needed, to read between the lines.
1 comment:
Brava, Pia, for accepting the offer to stand beside you at the meeting in a positive way -- and for recognizing it as a milestone in your personal growth since the ride to the station episode.
You also raise an important point about mood and physical health: exhaustion, even resulting from good work, can affect mood. We all need to be kind to ourselves as we enter the holiday season of so much, too much, to do...
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