Friday, July 08, 2016

the thoughtful life

It's been a while since I last blogged. The (over)thinking, living, worrying, figuring out, problem solving, planning process does take a lot of time. And not every day is very productive in regards of that. But I also believe that I have every right to be kind to myself when it comes to rest and relaxation. So with that in mind the progress of redefining myself is slow. Or perhaps this is just what it is, must be, a mix of faster and slower days - 

though to be honest (and what's the point of not being that, life is short...) I blame the slowness pretty much on the summer public transportation chaos for us stockholmers depending on commuter trains. I wish I could simply take the train to the city, as usual, have a change of scenery, go for walks, sit myself down on a bench or a lawn, look at different views and think, plan, look ahead. But I can't, because the chaotic stress of the replacement buses I've limited my trips to the city to max twice per week. And I always know that those days there will be a lot of hassle and time spent on hot buses, bad communication, cranky people and overall a lot of nuisance, so the change of scenery and inspiration always comes at the cost of stress and exhaustion. But there's only so much enjoyment and inspiration you can get, despite this being a beautiful suburb, from walking the similar routes with no change of scenery and being pretty much a social recluse. 

If you don't have a car or driver's license - which I usually don't miss - this really highlights how incredibly reliant you are on the public transportation working flawlessly. Especially in a period of very special circumstances.

Of course this too shall pass. And for that reason I do immensly look forward to August 8 when the trains are on again and the daily travel limitations are lifted. But I'm also sad that most of the summer will then have gone by without me really being able to enjoy it the way I would so have wanted to.

By then I will have read a lot of books though.

for things to sink in and change, real change, progress, to happen.

Since my life currently, and more than ever, revolves a lot about thinking and processing, analyzing and planning I find that the little things and delights I used to blog about seem so trivial. That by writing about them - 

How I really enjoy my new organic morning muesli.
How I took the time to complain to the customer service about the annoying time spent trying to pay for my fika with partly coffee card partly with a regular card resulted in me getting a generous amount of money refunded to my coffee card.
How I really would love to get the most adorable, happy budgie skirt but that the current financial situation doesn't allow such frivolities.
How I actually did get a cute narrow pleats skirt dress the other week which practically costed nothing since I was able to pay for it with 'vintage money' (ie a voucher check for returning old clothes I no longer use. It's a Gudrun Sjödén thing.). A dress I had no idea about if I hadn't seen it on a friend's Instagram. A dress that was sold out both online and in most stores but that I walked all over town to different shops and was able to find the right size in the perfect colour. A colour I didn't know was perfect until I tried it on.
How happy I am that there's now a liquid non dairy butter/oil (with no palm oil) which makes baking vegan so much easier and tastier.
How grown up I felt when I, after the initial hysteria, managed to sort out all by myself what was wrong with my iPhone touch display which made the phone unusable. And that the following week's major issues with the mobile internet connection not working made me finally unsubscribe from the overpriced subscription. That I did my research and realised that other companies offer much better deals. And that they have much better customer services. That I just went with my gut feeling of enough is enough. 
How amazingly delicious sesame seed breaded tofu is.
The sheer joy of welcoming the first hedgehog of 2016 in the garden.

- I trivialize the really important things and feelings.

But life really is made up of both true tragedies, unexpected incidents, life turning accidents as well as seemingly minor matters and silly luxuary problems. And that one probably wouldn't be able to cope with the former if the latter didn't exist.

I'm also struggling with two recurrent worries. One is obviously the 'this will not be a fair and decent aftermath' since I have no legal status. And how easy that worry could be solved by being open and honest in communicating and status updates (phone calls and emails). Instead I am left completely clueless on how things are progressing. And the scenarios of the hows and the whys are playing on repeat in my head. 

Should I simply close the social doors to that part of my life, the shared memories of M, just focus forward and only trust my own problem solving capacity? Or should I be open to the possibility of good will and fairness from there? Both alternatives have positive and negative implications. And honestly, my gut feeling sways from day to day. I just wish I didn't have to spend so much time worrying. Or let myself worry. Perhaps needlessly so, perhaps not.

The other worry is in the shape of how much should I actively push forward and how much should I just let myself relax and have faith (in an atheist way of course) that solutions will come when they are needed? 

And which active solution is the right one, do I really want to be employed again or should I simply adopt an aggressive (oh noes) approach looking for more clients? Granted it was really nice to get a paycheck after my May gig, not having to deal with employment taxes and such. But I know in my heart that running my own business and being a freelancer has made me so happy over these past few years. However the uninevitable unstable income curve is not something I can afford or work through now. For me getting back to financial stability is a key factor to healing. And growing.

And that's how far I've come on the path of redefining myself. Some things are out of my control, others are not. Figuring out how and what to procede with now - what can I do to worry less, and which approach is best in both short and longterm ways? Can I do something more, else, different than I already do? - I guess that's what the summer of 2016, the summer of chaotic public transport, is for.


DUTA said...

I don't drive either, and being dependant on public transport makes life quite difficult at times.
One needs a stable income, no matter how small. So, you should certainly do something about that.

Unknown said...

Life changes every day. For the most part, we just go on with the status quo....We become complacent to our lifestyle. Although, we think we appreciate what we have, we usually do not. When some earth shattering event happens, we are made to realize, with all this passing time, that we have not had that appreciation.
Take each day as it on all the things that are needed to be worked on Take time to enjoy the little things....that is all we can do....

Barb said...

My friend lost her husband of 40 some years about 3 years ago. She is still struggling. She says everyday is a struggle to find some happiness in the day. So I suspect your journey will be a long one with no real final end in sight, just slowly more joy instead of constant sadness. You seem to be a very unique person so I assume Mats was as well. It will be hard to replace (in some way) everything he was to you and your life. Working will help both emotionally and financially. But it will be a long process. Especially since his loss was so sudden. My heart is with you in this journey. You will survive but life is/will be different and those adjustments must be made. I wish you all the best.

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