Monday, April 23, 2018

hope will carry you home

ulriksdal castle, stockholm, sweden, april 20, 2018

April so far has shown a sunny face and a capricious personality. It has been an emotional month of highs and lows, professionally and personally. I wish life could stabilize, that I could worry less - that useless feeling - and sleep better. As good as I am in being actively mindful and enjoy the little bright and beautiful things as usual, my subconscious mind lives its own life.

And it really didn't help that I got some quite shocking, but far from unexpected, news  on Friday afternoon about the company that has caused the project mess and for which I haven't been fully (under)paid. News which quite possibly mean I won't get the final payment at all. That I have put in so many hours for free. Which obviously makes me incredibly angry, hurt and disappointed. At the person/s causing this to happen and at myself for being somewhat naive, accepting too much, working too hard.

I'm the least gullable person I know, I always question and analyze everything and everyone. Yet clearly I've not been quite myself here. And trusted people that weren't worth my time, creativity, hard work and trust. Such a fool was I. Because I wanted it to be true. I was happy. And why must everything be too good to be true? Well, in this case it was.

That I trusted my team, that clearly wasn't a team in the complete sense of the word. Everyone, but I, seem to have had a hidden agenda and a very casual attitude towards this project. Did their own thing with no thoughts whatsoever as to what ramifications their actions would have on the team, other people's lives and finances.

It has certainly been a bitter life lesson. But such is life. And with all this I took quite a leap in my personal development. Now I can only hope for a decent solution appearing soon, very soon. And I certainly know what kind of work circumstances I won't accept in the future. And the people I will never recommend or work with again. To trust the gut, and facts, has definitely proven important.

That they managed to run the company to the ground, with such a long and great why story and products, basically due to bad leadership and poor business acumen, that's just heartbreaking. On so many levels.

The interesting thing in this is that what I accomplished in the project is actually one of the things I'm professionally most proud of. Unfortunately I missed taking screen prints on everything, for my portfolio, and the beautiful website I created with so much attention to details is no longer there. The Twitter account no longer exists, but all the photos I took and captions for Instagram I have of course saved as well as the articles written.

And noone can ever take away the fact that I worked incredibly hard, way above and beyond what I signed up for. Even if the end client wasn't worth it, and the teamwork I treasured turned out to be a pipe dream. So in a very strange way I'm still deeply grateful for the opportunity at the same time as I'm equally deeply saddened how it turned out.

april dogs 💚, 2018 -

On the bright side of last week - had my annual dentist check-up which second year in a row turned out to be a happy one - even if you basically pay 1000 SEK just to step inside the door of the dentist - no cavities, hooray! Who's a good girl? Well, I of course.

flowers, sweden, april 2018 -

Before I was reached by the above upsetting news on Friday I had a sweet meetup with my grief recovery process group. We hadn't seen eachother for 8 months and it was really lovely to catch up a bit, three out of four of us where there. The one who couldn'make it and another one still work at the same place, and even eight months after our sessions they still haven't had lunch together because it's a case of 'What shall we talk about after we've shared our most personal secrets and life's sorrows?'.

Looking back at those intense sessions and the work we did together, the tears, sorrows, laughters and gratitudes we shared, it's pretty amazing. And having shared all that, and never judging, we can always talk much more freely with eachother than with other people. We are very different people, and I'm not sure we would have become friends if we hadn't met like this, but I think we've formed a very special bond through this. For which I am truly grateful. Hopefully it won't be eight months until we meet again.

ulriksdal castle, stockholm, sweden, april 20, 2018

On Friday early summer also arrived, it was a whooping +24 C. That awkward time of the year when you don't really know how to dress weather appropriately. However it was the first day of mary-janes and no socks in shoes. The following days haven't been nearly as warm, and now rain has finally fallen. Which is a relief, because all this April sunshine and no rainfall has turned into a fire hazard. So far this April has been the warmest month in Sweden since the early 20th century. Hello global warming. But as snow fell on May 9 last year, who knows what will happen next. I hope for more rain at least.

vegan vietnamese crepes with organic tofu, minh mat, stockholm, sweden, revisited, april 2018

One of my favourite restaurants in Stockholm is Vietnamese Minh Mat. They serve three dishes for lunch, of which one is vegan - and they have a special vegan menu in the evenings which is amazing - and every Thursday they have Vietnamese crepes filled with veggies and lovely organic tofu. It's absolutely delicious, if a bit tricky to eat since it's so crispy.

I would never have thought of making this dish myself, since it looks so accomplished and complicated. But then a friend told me her partner had made it and that it was simple and turned out crazy good. I got the recipe and decided to make it this weekend. Conclusion; I will never be a great pancake maker, but the whole dish with the filling (veggies only) and a delicious, spicy soy dip turned out brilliantly. I will definitely make it again.

vegan vietnamese crepes, april 2018

Food should make you happy to look at, delight your taste buds, satisfy your stomach and be kind to the world. This dish certainly tick all those boxes. I will share the recipe in another post. And no I haven't forgotten about that yummy vegan Snickers-dessert I made at Easter. My mind has just been rather preoccupied with sorting out other things lately.

I've listened a lot to Causes' 'Where does love go?' lately. It's not only a simple and beautiful song, but I can't stop thinking about the phrases 'Where does love go when it dies?' and "Where do tears go when they're cried?'. No simple answers to that, but food for thought.

luddkolt’s british shorthair, april 2018 -

Hey, April, would you mind, prettiest pretty please, showing your very benevolent side from here on? And finish these final weeks of your time with happy news, kind fireworks, applaudes and colourful confetti? I would be so grateful if you could make that effort, m'kay? Thank you ever so much in advance, yours truly and hopeful.

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