five years later

Today it’s been five (5) years (!) already since the final goodbye. And as much as I can’t say I live in the past per se, and I have cultivated resilience https://piaks.blogspot.com/2016/05/to-cultivate-resilience.html?m=1 this time of the year has been rather heavy since 2016. 

And this past year, with pandemic life, the lack of new input, inspiring meetings and quality conversations, the mind has dwelled a lot over the past.

I’ve grown, I’ve changed, I’ve reinvented myself and at the same time I feel incredibly stuck and somewhat lost. Standing at the sideline in my own life. I’m not all where I’d like to be at this time in life. And yet I acknowledge that this is where I’m suppose to be. 

So much to be grateful for, so much had work, but stuck nevertheless. How do I unstuck myself now? And how to I trust the process? Because honestly I’ve done that for so long now, yet the goal of unstuckedness, the feeling of continous momentum remains illusive and never really within reach. 

Is this all there is? All it’s suppose to be? Short term problem solving infinitum, never long term solutions? Life as a Sisyphean task?

One of the neighbourhood’s dog ladies, friends with little mum, tipped me about this book, genre feelgood. Klubben för lyckliga slut (The Club for happy endings) by Swedish author Caroline Säfstrand. Had never read anything by her before. But I enjoyed it a lot. Easy relatable characters. A store of sorrow and new beginnings. The book was set during this time of the year, the main character lost her husband this time of the year and I got the book in my hand (library reservation) this time of the year. The right read at the right time. 

I also watched Finding Alice https://www.imdb.com/title/tt11127412/ a while back. It has gotten very mixed reviews. But clearly, the main character’s, Alice (lost her husband to a freak accident), behaviour, erratic, impulsive, all over the place, can mostly (or only?) be understood by someone who have lost a partner. And even more so when it happened unexpectedly. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions, constantly, and you never know when, where or what will appear. 

Today, a few days after Spring Equinox, we had the first really warm, global warming style, day of spring, +12 degrees C. Long walk, sunshine, good coffee, outdoors seating. 

Tried my best thinking good thoughts only and just be in the here and now. It was a pleasant day. Even if Wistful is my constant companion since that fateful day, March 23, 2016. Then on Ash Wednesday, now a week prior.

I’ll continue problem solving tomorrow. Promise. But for now, just be. Me.