Thursday, September 30, 2021

welcome october, please be kind and joyful


If I was to sum September 2021 up for my little world it would be sadness, disappointment and worry. I can not even begin to describe how utterly tired, drained of energy and dispirited I am about it all, at this stage in my life. 

A few weeks back I published (another, more specific) job search post on LinkedIn - - yes I’m being pretty specific now, as I don’t feel the years I’ve spent being more general in looking for my kind of people, my kind of company have panned out well.

So here it is - I’m looking for a head of communications position in a vegan company (preferably food of course). Working with people with shared values (animals-planet-human health) That shouldn’t be too difficult, right? With bags upon bags upon bags with valuable knowledge and experiences plus a passionate curious growth mindset on top of that. I should be a highly sought after valuable asset, right?

Instead I just continue to feel all dried up, shrunken, insignificant, undervalued and non-appreciated. Seems like no matter what I do, no matter what steps I take, I do not get anywhere. Just stuck in this nothingness. 

It is crazy. C R A Z Y.

I had planned some more *aggressive* approach to follow up with. But then came two devastating news that in themselves are somewhat paralyzing. 

Zigne got her thyroid test back - all about her sudden ordeal in the previous blog post - and it was all good. Still she didn’t get better, rather worse. Stopped eating again. And her nose continued to be runny and the sneazing continues. And her breathing got more laboursome. Had to book a new vet appointment. Same clinic but a new vet, who wanted to get an x-ray. That turned out to show something disturbing in a lung. So she referred me to a vet climic that could do an ultrasound, which happened to be the one within walking distance to me. Which I have avoided after the long, very costly story trying to figure out the cause of Ztina’s weird symptoms a few years back, when it turned out to be her teeth that caused it all.

So off there I went. And he said it was probably slow growing lung cancer. The runny nose was a sign of that (although I have not found any other sources for that claim). Or possibly a fungal infection (but that is so rare). To be completely sure a biopsy was needed but that could collapse the lung. Her stomach was also abnormally gassy. Nothing could be done but to keep her comfortable and painfree, and getting her back to eating. 

Needless to say, it was and is absolutely devastating, unexpected news. From a perfectly happy, healthy, chubby kitty and a couple of weeks later a shadow of her physical self. She got antibiotics and slowly got back to eating herself in a few days (it’s been a small hell to force feed, both food and antibiotics, through all my years with cats and sometimes sick cats I’ve never experienced so much trouble doing it as I did now. She really put up a fight, calm as a cucumber through the vet’s procedures, a little red devil at home). 

But so very lovable, and one of those very special apple of my heart kitties ove the years, she has begun following be around everywhere. And we spend hours together on the sofa with her cuddling up sleeping on my chest, because apparently that has become the best place to sleep for her too. To Ztina’s dismay, since it has always been HER special spot of course. There have been daily battles of the grumpy sisters over these new circumstances… And I’m stuck beneath.

My experience with really poorly cats is that they tend to draw themselves back from attention, to some quiet nook. Zigne is quite the opposite, despite her very skinny appearance she’s practically glued to me when I’m awake, always eager for attention and cuddles, and food sampling and even some playtime. It’s very weird. And endearing. Always with eager, clear and inquisitive eyes, through all of this. 

So as if life in the pandemic wasn’t slowed down enough, this is an extra step in slow life living. Taking care of very poorly, needy and much loved kitties. 

As if the Zigne situation wasn’t enough to be worried and heartbroken over. Then it turned out my teeth situation was much worse/costly that first anticipated. The first step of the root canal went well, had a scheduled appointment in a month to finish it. However a week later I felt a large chunk of the tooth chipped of when I ate a soft sandwich. As I was having the big cavity fixed in a few days I felt I could wait until then to get this sorted too. 

Turned out the tooth was in worse shape that she had realised and that it had karies on the inside making it very brittle. Had to be completely removed not fixed with a root canal. As it is a visible tooth in another position than the one I had pulled out many years ago, when it crumbled with an old filling, it needs replacing in a not too far future. Which is VERY costly (remember the Swedish healthcare system does not cover dental work) and something I in no way, as things are currently, would be able to cover.

All in all, life honestly feels pretty shitty right now. Curveball after curveball after curveball. Now entering my birthday month, my power month, the month that should bring only happy, prosperous, magical and kind news, I’m feeling very low indeed. 

Of course I have oodles of things to be grateful about, and glimmers of happiness. But here and now and currently, life is not nearly as I want it to be, and not nearly as I had envisioned it at this stage in life. It’s honestly quite a mess. Everything is figureoutable. Well, just how remains to be seen.

Here are two glimpses of rare silver linings recently though. A very beautiful sunny day with autumnal colours galore and perfect Indian summer weather.

And an unexpected meet cute in the garden. Hedgehog 2021 has/have been almost invisible, doing his/her/their thing in the shrubs only. But just the other evening she did her thing right on the lawn. To everyone’s delight. 

Zigne shared the food bowl. Ågot wanted to cuddle and play - hedgehog not very interested. 

More magical much treasured moments like these, please please please, October. And the perfect, new job or work project with decent payment, that’s what I want as well as need for my birthday. 

So September, what can I say, why on earth did you have to be such a heartbreaking disappointment? We could’ve had so much fun, but you really didn’t want to, did you…

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