Tuesday, April 19, 2016

when a birthday becomes a funeral

Today would have been M's birthday. Instead his funeral will be tomorrow. 

It's nearly a month since he passed away, I still feel this must be some sort of bizarre and cruel joke. That one morning when I wake up it turned out to have been only a very vivid nightmare. Or that he'll call and say 'sorry, it's been some busy weeks, how's everything?'.

Something that will never ever ever happen.

I dread tomorrow in a really bad way. Not only because obviously a funeral of a loved one is far far from anyone's comfort zone and desired place to be. But also because the... well, less than pleasant proceedings leading up to this moment. I wish I could just curl up under the duvet all day instead. Which I will of course not do.

And sitting on this rollercoaster of emotions - yes, still riding it - there is also the financial worries. When two suddenly become one and that one is a small business owner/freelancer with still unpredictable incomes now in freefall, that happens. 

I'm not the first one this has happened to, I won't be the last. And it really doesn't help being angry at me, myself and I for not being a better self-sufficient person. Just make sure I become one asap.

So amidst the sorrow I can not let myself  just mourn, walk and rest because I need to find a job. Now. Preferably yesterday already. Unfortunately I can't rely on existing clients and interesting freelance leads, but right now I need to build a stable financial platform for myself. And unless some really great, new clients come knocking I think a regular employment is the answer at this moment in time. Though to continue running my own business is still my professional dream and goal.

So my days consist of telling *everyone* (including the universe, you hear me don't you?) that I'm looking for suitable jobs (within my field of communication, copywriting, social media and translations), sending spontaneous applications and replying to the odd job ads. 

This was not the year I had planned for. Neither emotionally nor professionally. 

But life doesn't much care for what we plan for, does it? We're simply along for the ride, the good , the bad and everything in between, trying to make the most of it given our particular circumstances. Just make sure to be grateful for the good beings, good meetings and happy happenings in it. And know you will survive the opposite, one step, one day, one week at a time.

And always be kind to eachother. And yourself.


Feisty Harriet said...

Oh honey, this is so much on your shoulders and your heart. I wish I knew what to say, wishing your heart a measure of peace, wishing you success in your job hunt. And, truly, wishing Sweden wasn't so dang far away so we could spend an afternoon together.


Barb said...

Such terrible sadness is so very hard to get through. Adding financial worries on top of it all is hideous. But you will survive somehow. There will be light one day. Probably not the usual light and probably not soon. Many will be thinking of you, hoping only for the best.

Poppy Q said...

Miss Pia - I understand your pain. We didn't have a proper funeral for my dad two months ago, just 10 people and 10 minutes with him to say goodbye, and it was a hard day for me, even though friends and family were there I felt terribly alone.

Once that step was over though I could get moving though, and feel like my world has turned topsy turvey and nothing like the year I was expecting.

So I am sending you hugs and know that even though for you everything has changed, you can still get through and accept the challenges ahead.

Big hugs
Julie and Poppy Q

Anita said...

I always keep up with your blog. Your recent sad news made me want to make contact and send you my thoughts.
It's not the same but my friend died recently, and the grief has hit me hard. It's changed me. What you say about being grateful and kind to yourself is true. I wish you all the best. x

Lavender and Vanilla Friends of the Gardens said...

Oh Pia, truly sorry for all the sadness. A goodbye for ever and all the changes it brings is so hard to bear. I hope and wish you all the best. Take each day as it comes. I hope you have family to lean on when the going is hard.

Unknown said...

Pia, there are no words that can really comfort you in these sad time. Life is ever evolving and our situations change. Take what happens day by day....wishing you the best...hoping you get a job soon,as I know how talented you are...the rest will take a long time. I will be thinking about you, and wishing you well.
Take care,

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