still a hardcore cat

Six years later, the remote control coma cat still has a penchant for just that, remote controls. My darling little weirdo.

one week, two losses

I can't believe I'm writing this, but today my mother's other cat passed away too. Just one week after his brother. He suddenly started to throwing up in the middle of the night, went wobbly and week. Little mum took him to the vet in the morning (and we agreed that we shouldn't put an elderly cat through examinations and tests) and he suggested  X-rays and ultrasound - 

but after everything I had to go through with Ztina, over these past couple of years, and how costly that has been, when it was caused by her teeth, something I should think would be pretty basic for a vet to do a thorough check of before doing extensive and expensive tests, I get a distinct feeling he always try to add as much as possible to the bill, not doing things in the interest of the animals or the owners. Unfortunately. I really really really miss my old best vet, but she sadly closed her practice years ago. This one is the only one close enough to walk too. And I was really grateful for the emergency treatment Zigne got back in 2016. So it is what it is, when you don't have a car.

- for a 15 year old cat clearly in pain and not at all himself anymore. We decided the only merciful thing was to put him to sleep.

This is really an extra sh***y thing to happen right now. When life is so restricted, and beloved pets bring so much important comfort, companionship and cuddles when social life with other humans is down to about 5% of what it used to be.

Unexpectedly losing Waldemar last month, was tough, but not nearly as traumatic and unexpected as losing the only two cats one has within a week. I feel heartbroken for my mum, she's devastated.

I hope that she'll be able to land in this, and not feeling guilty about the decision (because you always feel guilty as a pet owner, whatever you decide or didn't notice or could have done differently...), and look forward to hopefully find a couple of shelter cats that need a new, caring home.

I'm not sure how the process would be amidst a pandemic with zero possibility to visit shelters, but when it's possibly they at least let elderly people adopt non-kitten cats if someone younger can sign a responsibility agreement.

Unfortunately I don't seem to have a lot of photos of Rupert uploaded to Flickr, but here's his hiding under the hosta in my garden, some months before he moved. With Pelle in the middle and my now long gone Agnes.

Thank you for all the years you spent in our lives, Rupert Royal Pavilion, and mostly for bringing  cuddles and companionship to my mum, like only kitties can, it was a joy to bring you up and get to know you. Much love.

magic meet cute and other tiny stories of the day

Remember the three TBE shots I took last year? They needed to be topped up this year and after that it's every fifth year - whether or not the planet will exist in a state that calls for TBE-refill-shots in five years, that's another story... So as things are, I was very grateful there are several mobile vaccination centers doing the rounds over the summer here.



So today I took a walk to Lidl's parking lot, which was the vaccination bus's stop for the day. When I was getting closer I saw something that, in my vivid imagination, looked like a guy who'd lay down on his back in the tall grass and was taking pictures of the trees and the sky. (I know, that's such a weird thought...).



Then suddenly a roe deer appeared on the path and stood looking at me. I was so worried she might turned back to the road instead of heading in to the woods, but she crossed the road. Moments later a little fawn appeared, and also stood looking at me for a while, before s/he followed the mama.

Pure magic. And as I was the only human around on the walking path this moment was truly mine alone, with a roe deer and her baby. Three is a magic number.

As you can only do so much with the iPhone camera, if you're not close enough - and I wouldn't dream of zooming because heavily pixelated photos are awful -, this is what I got. And with a smartphone camera the distance to the photo-object gets significantly prolonged compared to the reality, so the meet cute was quite a lot closer. You'll have to squint and imagine the beautiful sight. (Or click on the image and zoom on Flickr.)



I got the vaccination, so now I at least don't have to worry about tick-borne encephalitis - I have enough to worry about, thank you very much -, quite common in these part of Sweden. One of the judges at my previous work, 20 years ago, got it. And that man, so full of joie de vivre before, never was the same again. Living with cats and dogs also obviously makes it more likely you might get it. I love most animals (as opposed to humans, they're impossible to love as a species), I can coexist with the others, but ticks, they're just evil and only cause pain and destruction. Like too many humans I suppose.



Then I got this vegan nicecream from Danish plantbased company Naturli, at Lidl. To be honest I haven't been a fan of the brand since I first tried their vegan butter spread, awful thing that completely destroys a pleasant sandwich experience. But the flavours sounded delicious and it is palmoil-free, so we decided to try a couple of them. Little Mum and I.



Happy to report they are both absolutely delicious, so much flavour and great creamy texture with crunchy bits. I'll just have to go back and get some more tubs and also try the liquorice flavour. It's good to find new favourite products, when old ones break your heart.

As this evening also held the very last (forever? Which if so is sad, since I thought the last season definitely picked up in quality plot-wise) episode of Midsomer Murders, the dairy-free icecream was a perfect treat for that too. The Swedish summer season generally both starts and ends with MM (would be a pity if it ended in late July already, but nothing is given with global warming, the seasons just aren't what they used to be...), so maybe this treat also was a a farewell to the summer of 2020. Hope not. Fingers crossed it will be with us until early September, as the summer it once was.

With the smaller, more restricted lives most of us are currently living, most things that used to feel nonsensical and just one of those everyday things you see, do, experience without really noticing, are suddenly very meaningful, rich enough to be savoured, to feel gratitude over - or deep irritation for that matter - and write a little blog post about. 

Today was a good day. And I'm grateful, for every little bit of it. But most of all that magical meet cute, that crossed my path. Thank you, Universe, for a new treasured experience and loved memory.

cats in purrfect boxes

It's a universal truth that cats and boxes is a match made in heaven.

And in this household I think it's safe to say that the king of boxes is Pelle (well, he's now the only male cat in this residence now, so the king-title is obviously his without competition).



He mostly spend his days in the tea-delivery box, from the other week. However last week I couldn't find him in his usual indoor places at night. Even though I knew he'd been inside when I closed the garden door.



The previous day I had gotten a delivery of cat food to the door, but not unboxed the bags. I did look in that big box, but there was no kitty hiding in there, nope there wasn't. In the morning I looked again, and since the box begun to purr I knew he had hidden in there, sleeping in a corner where I obviously hadn't looked closely enough.



Since then I've seen more of them enjoy the box, so I haven't had the heart, to unbox fully and take the big box to the recycling station, yet.



On Friday arrived a box with heavy vegan haircare products. It didn't take long for the queen of f***ing everything to conquer that box. As in "This day is now PURRFECT".



Much to little sister Ågot's dismay.



It didn't take long until Pelle claimed it as his though.



Some days Zigne calls dibs on the (at the time) best box.



Which makes Pelle an unhappy boy king.

darling ztina

I think I post too few sweet and happy posts about the cats these days. And yet they are an essential part of my life, and not least now, an even more impawtant factor than ever to keep me reasonably sane.

I miss those days when Ztina was this fluffy and British Shorthair teddybearish looking still. Then her heart issues, followed by the teeth problems happened and confirmed FORL. She never regained her poofy looks, those chubby cheeks, completely after that.

And of course, comparing her age from 4 to 8 to human years, would be 35ish to 50ish. That would show, even without health issues.

I'm happy and grateful though, that her spirits and personality did return. She's still the cat queen of f***ick everything, the boss of this residence and my very special blue eyed light. And we always spend a good portion of the day on the sofa cuddling. She on top of me, purring away. Everyday needs a decent dose of oxytocin, not only caturdays.

july 2020 tea delivery

I haven't had a soy or oat latte for five months. I've given up trying to make my own lattes ages ago, they're never nearly as good as the ones at my favourite coffee shops. I'm glad I'm an avid tea drinker though, those special coffees are treats, not something regular anyway.

And during these five stay at home months I've certainly gulped down teas galore. So it was hight time to order more, old favourites and new flavours. Given I order so much tea myself, I don't need to co-order with one of the neighborhood dog ladies, to get free shipping, but it's kind of a tradition by now so there you are. These days when you can't pop by the tea shop as usual, this is how we do it.



I placed the order on Thursday, expected it to arrive at the pickup point (my local Coop store) mid next week. Imagine my surprise when the package was sent on Friday and I got a notice it would be ready to pick up on Saturday already!

It arrived at 11 am. But it was raining and I had a very rare headache so I decided to have a very peaceful day, and just rest.

When I woke up this morning it was absolutely pouring down, and it did so for six plus hours, Wonderful news for nature! When the rain stopped I decided to take a walk and pick up that tea box at last. I love to pick up boxes that smell delicious, and so did this one.



One my way home a neighborhood kitty wanted a sniff and a cúddle. Which I never say no too obviously. Got home right in time before the rain begun again. The un-boxing was a delight. And as usual I've got the purrfect helpers.

My little berry Zigne poses with the rooibos tea Trädgårdsbär (Garden berries). And Pelle immediately claimed the empty box as his. Something for everyone in that order.

The flavours I got this time were - Fruitbomb (herbal tea that's recommended for ice tea), rooibos organic vanilla, rooibos wild strawberries elderflower, rooibos winter apple (favourite!), rooibos mango passionfruit (favourite), rooibos strawberry cream and the garden berries.

A great cup of tea really is soothing for a troubled soul. Not just a cliché, it's actually true. I always feel much better and calmer after having one. And right now, many of us need a lot of comforting. Tea is one of my best go tos for that. Alongside cat cuddles. Needless to say.

 

dogs' best friend

My mum, THE best human ever according to the neighborhood's dogs. Because she ALWAYS has dog treats in her pockets. And they have learnt to see and smell her from far far away. Sometimes to their humans irritation, but mostly they think it's quite enjoyable and fun. Albeit somewhat embarrassing, because when the dogs have spotted her they no longer listen to command. And whatever they're occupied with seize to be of interest.

Her daughter however, is super boring, she never have dog treats in her pockets. Bah.

Some dog owners, for various reasons, don't want their dogs to get treats. And my mum isn't very good at picking up those vibes. So now and then there are pretty awkward moments. But I suppose hat in the big scheme of things, like life, that's merely a glitch.



The other day we went for a walk, and were lucky enough to run into this adorable gang. And they were ALL up for treats. Some more shamelessly than others.

Oh how I love a good meet cute. And more so these days, when life is generally rough, frayed and listless. Those little shiny happy moments, at least for a while the bad stuff is tucked away.

first guest at hedgehog drop-inn 2020

Another post second day in a row. Not something you should get used to though. But when I realised I had done a blatant mistake and not mentioning the news of the first distinguished guest at Hedgehog Drop-Inn 2020 in yesterday's post I though s/he deserved a post of her/his very own. And what better way to start a new month, than sharing an adorable, mood-lifting sighting?

If I've done my calculations correctly this is the 18th year of summer hedgehogs visits and stays, but I first wrote about them in 2007. I am so honoured they've find sanctuary here ever since. Even if there are probably new guests every summer, they might be a family that tell stories through generations  about the magical garden with plenty of food, water, sleeping places and curious fluffsters.



As they usually turn up in late July/early August, I couldn't believe it was actually a persistent wee hedgehog that was trying to get in through the garden gate, when I heard the noise on May 24. but there s/he was, strutting down the garden path. I know they're little clever pricklies and can get through and in via very small openings, but I'm surprised at their ingenuity every year.

As I've done my best (or succumbed completely to my inner garden gnome of laziness plus the garden elder weed that invaded some years ago... for a good reason though!) to let the garden be as it is, to offer a haven for biodiversity, they might hibernate and live somewhere inside here too.



From feasting on luxurious kitty food (the only I had at home at the time, I usually buy cheaper bags when hedgehog season begins) it was time for a stroll and a cat nap. Because this is just how much the cats looovez when the hedgehogs appear for the season. And sights like this makes my heart explode of cuteness overload.

Just what one needs to see and be in in these worrying times, wouldn't you agree?

PS After letting the garden grow wild like this for some years now it has become just what I wanted, much more popular amongst bees, bumblebees, butterflies and other insects. My little humble contribution to biodiversity. My very own green green mess of home. DS

the okonomiyaki, the veterinarian and the job news

Started the week with a third veterinarian visit with Ztina, her breathing had become quick and shallow again last week and maybe the dosage needed changing.

The veterinarian was very hopeful at the first check-up a couple of weeks ago, that it was the infection that had caused her heart problem and that her heart medication could possibly be phased out. But alas it turned out she needed to get back on diuretic because she showed signs of lung oedema again. Hopefully this in combination with her heart medication will get her back in normal shape.

She's such a trooper. Grumpy sweetie.



I finally got the much awaited news about the job I applied for a few weeks back. They were happy with the interview but had decided to go with the candidate with more social structure experience. That's their choice obviously, and noone can say it was the right or wrong choice. I'm sure it was a great candidate with fine communication skills. And there was absolutely nothing I could have done differently, my skillset is what it is at this moment in time. Nothing to dwell on, just moving on.

I think it was pretty brilliant I was one of the final three candidates in fierce competition. The job just wasn't for me. My kind of people, my kind of organisation is still out there to be found. And after I had put the phone down I applied for two other jobs that I've had an eager eye on too, but held off applying since I focused on this one. One door closes and who knows what will open instead? That's exciting. And now I'm still open to more gigs and new clients, that's awesome too.

And for the very right and special client I might even, on occasion, wear a read nose.



Then I ended the day with cooking, what turned out to be, one of the tastiest vegan food box meals to date - okonomiyaki with pickled cucumber and hoisin sauce. It was actually mindblowingly good. The okonomiyaki consisted of grated carrots, sliced white cabbage and spring onions in a batter of chickpea flour and psyllium seed jelly (what a brilliant binding agent!). Here's the recipe in Swedish.



Now I'm going to listen to music, cuddle my poor little fluffster on a summer evening sun chair, acknowledge how much in my life I'm truly grateful for and great doors unknown I'm looking forward to see opening soon.

trying to illuminate my clouded heart

Almost four years ago I swore I would never feel so passionate about a brand that rejection, no matter how sweetly put, would break my heart. And even if a brand love story for 15 years isn't really comparable to these intense five plus months, this was a case of actually hard working with it for all these months. Add the fact that it wasn't a sweetly put rejection, but a pretty harsh dumping. - Not because we didn't do a great job, quite the opposite, but because of internal strifes and mismanagement.

I've been thinking a lot about the hip hype of being passionate about your work. It has really gotten to a ridiculous point when you read job ads these days. If you're passionate to that extent about every little paper clip, morning meeting and Excel sheet you will burn out in no time. And what's wrong with feeling reasonably detached from those things but still being adamant to do a great job? One doesn't rule out the other. Really. To rest your passion at work and save it for what really matters? How about having a pretty boring job that pays the bills and keep your other passions alive?

As soon as you feel passion you also open up to being really hurt. Be it in work, love, interests. Passions are scary.

But then again, better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. A life without love and strong feelings would be a very poor life, as far as I'm concerned.

And when you are amidst them, at work, that feeling is pretty unbeatable. The passionate energy, the creativity, the ideas and when you share it with other people, you are unstoppable.

I've worked with clients whose businesses I've been neutral to, it has been a job, nothing more, nothing less, it has paid the bills. I've also worked with clients whose businesses I've shared the passion for. The latter has been so much more energizing and fun. But I also know I've been absorbed, engulfed, it's easy to get tunnel vision and disregard warning bells.

So while licking my wounds from all of this mess I've been contemplating that perhaps I need to simply look for clients and work that are more of the neutral kind for me. That never means I don't strive to do a great job, just that I'm able to keep a healthy distance to my job and leave the passion out of it. To rest my weary mind and heart a bit.

But then I thought about my quest of finding my kind of people, and how important a quest that is. And how essential it is that all of us do our bit to make this world a better place, and how passions do play a big part in that.

I was also reminded about this paragraph in the seance message - "Time is important and the older you get the more important it is. It passes quickly, just as life. Fill it with things you are really passionate about and disregard the rest. Difficult sometimes, but you will feel much better afterwards." Continue to burn, baby, burn.

So maybe I just need to work on not being as engulfed, channel my inner lawyer, close my eyes to tunnel vision, and stay strong and vocal when the warning bells chime. Simply demand, not just suggest, clear communication and straight talk. And not least, put everything to (digital) paper.

Having a tad distance to the hurt, the answer to what I need to do now came to me the other day. Now I know what the future Pia would thank me for, which I didn't know then. And the interesting thing is that I hadn't even mulled it over intensely, suddenly the answer was just there and available to pick. The brain, a wondrous thing.

As I briefly touched on recently, my career coaching gig has been really hard work for eight weeks, but 2/3 of it is pretty much done now. And fingers really tightly crossed the last third part will be this upcoming week.

Last week we had a lovely meeting full of laughters, about a possible internship with a company (one of Sweden's largest general dealers). When I gave them my business cards, and they oh and ah:ed over them, my mentee suddenly said "Well, Pia is a celebrity in Stockholm!". On which we laughed even more. It was such a sweet and unexpected thing to say.

And I have no idea where he had gotten that notion. Just because I'm reasonably easily googleable I would not in any single way call myself a celebrity. The mere word gives me shivers of unpleasantness and shallowness. But perhaps it was a confusion of tongues and he just meant he's grateful for all my hard work on his behalf. That kind of star status I can live with, and be proud of.

I'm thinking I should keep all those unexpected sweet things people say now and then written down in a special book, to look in when life give me lemons and I'm in no mood for lemonade, lemon pie or G&T. The "not many people can measure up to you" and "... one gets happy by looking at you." episodes definitely will be scribbled down in that book. And now my newly acquired celebrity status.

Plus someone recently said she had fallen in love with me the first time we met, I wore my darlin' owl dress, in a work situation. Not in the love-love sense of the word but just being very inspired and happy. It's so good and heart-warming to be reminded, now and then, from friends, family, acquaintances and strangers alike, that you do a pretty decent job of inspire and lift moods just by being who you are. Remember, dare to compliment and be grateful for the compliments you get.

Three short things before I sign off on this rambling post -



:: Someone suggested on Instagram, brilliantly so, that I should post a Swedish saying once per week and illustrate it with a cat picture. - It happened when I posted the above photo to illustrate "To have a fox behind one's ear" ie to be cunning. But surely having a cat on your back must mean you're even smarter? - Oh I will, simply too great a challenge to pass, wouldn't you agree?

:: Four months ago I was surprised by my own feelings and thought of "This is how it feels to finally have come home." when I met a person for the first time. I hope I will be able, and brave enough, to actually say and admit that to the person in question one day. I did say I would be braver in 2018, right? Right.



:: With my vegan food ambassador gig I've come to adore fresh turmeric. I still find it tricky to find in the super market, so I relish it whenever there is loads of it in the food box. Negative, your hands and nails get really yellow and you can easily be mistaken for a serious nicotinist. But the positive, the flavour, colour and not least all the fantastic health benefits (much like fresh ginger). Dried turmeric is great too, but I prefer the fresh version which you grate in stews, risottos, soups and alike. (I actually grate it over soy sausages I fry too.) If you haven't tried it you should, it'll bring colour, flavour and health to every dish. Just don't go overboard if it's a dish with mild flavours, it can be a bit overpowering.

Happy cooking and a hearty week!

on being a cool cat

If last week went down a path of new interestingness, this past week has most certainly continued on the same trail. Such weird coincidences, slightly more synchronicity than serendipity, a lot of 55. Life right now. And the most interesting thing amidst all this I can't control, is that I'm getting pretty good at just remaining a cool cat. Not much choice other than that at this moment in time.

As may be known by now, patience isn't my greatest sport. I want things to move along, develop, be better, greater, as awesome as they can be as soon as possible. But when life doesn't want that at the same speed, we're forced to listen and adapt. And there are so many benefits to being patient, including health ones. Good things come to those who wait is more than a cliche. Cool cats listen.

The job interview went great. Plus two hours went by so quickly - and no I've never had such long first interviews. It wasn't really like any other interview I've been to, fascinating. Didn't have any obvious gut feelings pro or con afterwards, but a few days later I woke up early and had a sudden insight. And they've kept coming ever since, quite the list by now. I'm obviously not the only party or candidate involved in this process, so who knows what'll happen in the coming weeks. But whatever happens I've learnt a lot more about myself from that long interview, meeting these people, or perhaps it just confirmed what I already knew. What I want. And once again, it's enthralling really, how everything is connected. It's a small world.

To be honest, I do believe last year's grief recovery process unleashed something within me, not only allowed me to let go of certain particular painful parts of the sorrow, but also opened my mind in a way I have only touched on before. I'm not sure how to write about this without possibly sounding a bit doolally. But I'm not. Not in that sense anyway. But these past six months I've had the strangest feelings of premonitions, there's just no other way to describe them. Very tangible things, situations coming true. So much more than your usual gut feeling. Very grateful they've only revolved around positive matters or at least situations and disappointments through which I, and others, have gained valuable insights. Touch wood I might add.

On a lighter note, I'm quite pleased with my new glasses. They are indeed green horn-rims, and the style is not something I'd usually go for, but being basically blind as a bat when I try on new frames I thought they looked decent and pretty cool - remember my dad had something similar when I was little and a bit funky 60ies style is never wrong. And I firmly believe you should try something different whenever you have to get new glasses.

I'm glad I liked them when I picked them up and was able to actually see through the glass. I decided to get a second pair this past week, you always get a second pair for half the price at my optician of choice (for 8 years now). Pink, but not any of the two pink I chose from the other month.

A pretty cool side effect with these glasses is that you apparently get an immediate vampire look. No, my eyes aren't quite as shiny green no, I wish. But the iPhone PS app (one of my favourite photo editing tools) is revamped (oh the pun) into something quite fun to play with, try it if you haven't. Plus it makes those gray hairs look less unbearable, even if I'm getting better every day at not caring... I've been called Snow Queen from this photo a few times by very different people, which made me laugh, it's quite ominous. But I do promise I have no poisonous apple or other vengeful things up my winter sleeve. And I'd much rather be a Cool Cat.

A cool cat who managed to snap one of those much coveted ticket to the annual March 8 Women In Tech day conference in Stockholm. Have always missed out, but this year, after a pretty nerve wrecking 5 minutes with server crash I got one. The 1500 tickets were gone in 2 minutes, so needless to say I'm pretty chuffed I was one of the lucky ones...

Another fun thing that happened during the week was that I found myself stepping into my favourite shoe shop on my way home (ages since I bought shoes, believe it or not), it was a sale and I wasn't going to buy anything, oh no. Then I saw that one of my favourite ART models, one of the pairs that were ruined by the leaky roof in October, were on sale in my size. So what is a gal to do? While trying them on I chatted with another customer about how awesome the brand is, she was so inspired that she got the same shoes. And then we decided to meet up in May in our same shoes and have ice cream. Love little chance meetings like that, who knows what might come from them? In this case, vegan ice cream for sure.



Also, if you haven't already seen this clip from the Ellen show - I can't believe she's 60! Vegan diet, kindness, love, humour and dancing are the not so secret ingredients to that I'm sure - when she got her beautiful birthday gift from her wife, you must. Keep tissues close at hand though, you'll bawl your eyes out.

And what touched me most was the quote "To be loved is good, to be understood is profound." - and that is so true. To be understood, truly, that must be the base on which love is built. Simple and challenging at the same time. As life in general.

What will happen next week? If this first week of February is anything to go by, add to that my expectations of great things of course, it will continue to offer bemusement, delight and surprise. Which are things cool cats naturally appreciate.

where are we a year from now

At the end of whirlwind busy week I find that I'm not the least bit wiser in some parts of my life and very much wiser in others. Every week some new insight, welcome or unwelcome, but all useful and part of the journey of growth called life.

As a friend simply put it, just go with the flow for while now, however difficult as it may be. So, hello flow.

I've never been the one to force things in life in general, but in hindsight I probably should have on some important occasions. When things really haven't worked anylonger I should have forced a decision. The gut said so, but I was a convenient coward. I have forgiven myself for that, because there's no way back only forward, though I would lie if I said a glimmer of that thought doesn't make me sad now and then.

But then there are situations, like meringue or otherwise, where forcing is simply not on the table in anyway. Where the process is pretty much completely out of your hands. The (in)famous trust the process. But what I've come to realise lately, which I've curiously not have grasped until now, at least not the extent of it, is how much of a control freak I am in parts of life. Not in every part, thank goodness, that would be awful, so much anxiety. But still, more than I have ever admitted before. To be honest I think it has been growing ever since that day. The need to control.

Simply because when you suddenly find yourself to be 100% in charge and responsible for every little bit of your life, down to every penny, every cost, every grain of kitty litter, every crazy leaking roof business, carrying every organic carrot you put on the table home yourself, well, then you're forced to be on top of things as best you can.

No one else can help you with the decision making, from big to small. Sometimes that is, to be frank, a pretty sh-tty feeling, sometimes it's empowering. Yes, this ongoing process of rediscovering and reinventing myself is pretty hard, exhausting work.

Admit to having a little professional melt down at the end of the week. The last straw of lack of communication within what I used to call the Dream Team - yes, the jury of one is still out on whether to keep the denomination or not, the honeymoon months are over and I'm not at all sure what lies in the future or even in the now. It hurts to be marginalised. Jeez, whatever where they thinking. And let me tell you, I was this close to saying sayonara, guys, enough now.

I think I got my enraged and disappointed point through, as much as you can on Slack. Apologies accepted. And as nice as it may be that someone says "was trying to protect our best asset", action speaks louder than words. If I am to continue to be part of the team I also need to get first hand information, not just being misguidedly pampered with selected information, out of the loop. Because not having first hand information means you're left to your own devices of an overthinking and imaginative brain.

Not my idea of decent teamwork. Regular updates, first hand information, essential and basic things to keep me onboard and interested. And how darn hard can it be? I haven't had any problems doing that myself all through this project. I do expect the same fundamental decency from everyone else involved, when a team, when (seemingly) working towards the same goal. Simple really. At least in my world.

And the much needed talk? Well, I am not less confused than I was before. That so much talking can give you a distinct feeling of "so weiter ferne, so nah" is confounding. Really good in parts, but also the lack of "real", that illusive feeling, encompassed the experience for me.

Which also brought a much needed look at myself, my actions, non-actions, my wants, needs, the wall I sit upon alternately hide behind, I wish I could shout a bit more from it instead. Or let it fall. I hope I will get there some day. It is after all the year of living and acting more bravely.

In answer to the surprising question I got (that I admittedly waffled away, so much for real), which lent itself to the name of this post - but I have not set my more specific personal and professional goals for 2018 yet - I would summarize what I want for this year like this - love, passion, laughter, realness, personal growth, inspiring new clients and jobs, having made and continue making the world a better place with likeminded good people and financial stability. If I say it, they will come. Not too much to strive for, right? Right.

finding out more

I do believe I have entered a brand new year a little bit braver than I left 2017. I've dared a dash, I've said yes, I've said no, questioned status quo and embraced possibilities. Only a week in. Which doesn't mean I've stopped overthinking things, as my usual self naturally does.

Then suddenly the upcoming week also holds a very tangible situation to talk things through, finding out more, figuring the complex meringue status out. And as much as I do look forward to it, there is so much I want to know, I'm admittedly more emotionally afraid than I've been in a long time. For that I blame this intense past plus year, which has amongst all its lessons taught me I can not be in control of everything, not even my own reactions to every situation, every feeling.

But though I wouldn't call myself a controlfreak, nope not no nah, I don't relish the notion of losing my calm, my control - I've come so far, can I afford to loose myself? Or perhaps the most important questions is, can I afford not to?

Shall I simply trust that life has a much better way to sort things out the way they should be than my fearful soul could ever do by itself? I'm still redefining myself I suppose, and what my gut feeling knows I want and need, it scares my overthinking brain. My little, brave analyzing bestie, who I am so grateful for, but who sometimes need to simply let go but desperately refuses to. Old habits.

Needless to say I'm really looking forward to my oxytocin galore caturday. There are rumours of sun,  there will be cooking, eating, sleeping, music, cat cuddles and if weather permits, walking. And hopefully the overactive brain has decided to take a weekend break.



The week before the much needed upcoming caturday was spent with an optician visit, where I was told my vision had only had a slight change but that I showed signs of age related sight change. Hrmf, I beg to differ, I thought we had agreed that age is just a silly number? I did order a pair of new glasses (which are not the pink ones in the photo, believe it or not), but I was pretty miffed about that age related statement so even if my usual thing is to order two pairs I didn't. I can always change my mind within a month.



I've had an ipromptu fika with my childhood friend, which was extra lovely since we hadn't seen eachother for many months. I rarely do impromptu things like this, I'm such a planner. It's good to know I'm able to change little behaviours like that, all is not lost. Despite what the optician said.



I've spent time with a new fluffy BFF named Alice. Not my dog, not likely to be, but such a wee darling. Spending time with animals are always good for the soul. And mindfulness naturally rules.

I've worked, put my foot down, written, talked, cooked and done an interview about a fantastic sustainability project in Stockholm, that will be turned into an article (in Swedish). The Plantagon has such an interesting background, from vision, to founders, to organisation, to innovative solutions and technology. Sometimes people can be brilliant. And actually see that we are all connected. Which is heartwarming, in a rather overall bleak, disconnected world void of compassion.

Now, how about some music to get into a good weekend mood?

This week I've diversified a bit from my Haevn crush - but I do recommend Lovelorn (another piece with a mean guitar riff) and this wisfully beautiful We are



- since I adored the Kygo version of Take on me which made me so happy, I've discovered more remix favourites. Which basically are much better than the originals, as far as my ears are concerned. My four favorites are -

Let her go - Passenger remix, I don't like the original version at all, grown ups singing with baby voices does not rock my boat, just gives me the creeps.

I see fire - Ed Sheeran remix, admittedly a bit embarrassing I hadn't heard this before. But then again I really don't like the Lord of the rings movies. Loved the books, the movies are just overrated. And therefore I hadn't really paid attention to the music. Until now obviously. Adore this version!

I see you - Billy Raffoul, now that is on the other hand a great voice!



Seinabo Sey's original version is beautiful in itself, but this one fits my current mood better.

And now, welcome dear weekend, I need you. Let me relax a weary, overthinking mind and prepare to roll into a great week with invigorated steps, enliven thoughts and an open mind.

communication, communication, communication

Communication. Presence. Authenticity. Three keywords essential to any relationship, be it work, friendship, love.

Something I've come to realise even more during this year, and things I've missed so many times before in life without realising and being able to put my finger on the feeling.

You know, the scary stuff, the awkward questions people hesitate to ask, the answers they are afraid of. I've decided I'm going to enter 2018 less afraid of things, I'm going to dare more. And not apologize for how I feel. Or act. Not that I'm timourous as such now of course, but sometimes I get the whiff of that useless impostor syndrome or I just feel 'it's not my place to put my foot down and demand at this time' - realising later down the line that's just what I should have done.

And as I wrote in the pre-Christmas post, I had a serious lack of trust in The Project and would spend the weekend with a good think about how to proceed, in order to be true to myself, hopefully without letting anyone down. And so I did. Neither sleeping, reading or laughing but thinking. A lot.

On Boxing day everything poured out of me on three pages. Of which a tiny portion was this passage - "Applaud that you’re able to detach yourselves from the mess ---- . I’m however not as lucky, partly because that’s my personality (I engage strongly, I need things to be professional, less mollycoddling, more straight talk and visible progress)... That’s one reason why I need change to feel this project is still meaningful."

I should have spoken more clearly earlier on, or perhaps I thought I did. Maybe I shouted "wolf" so repeatedly that noone listened anymore. I'm still not sure about the understanding of everything I mentioned actually. It was A LOT of text to swallow and concider (current situation, issues, my personal viewpoints, solutions/suggestions). Which I personally think is important to avoid misunderstandings as much as possible, short and sweet has its times, long explanations have theirs. Clear communication, communication, communication. I'm not interested in playing guessing games, in neither parts of my life. Or being the one constantly pointing out real problems, with no mandate to fixing them myself. I don't want to be Ms Grump-a-much.

But I know changes are underway now. Changes which will most likely hold less talk, more action. Well overdue but a pretty darn good way to kick start a shiny new year.

Let's leave this situation for now. And talk a bit about a new client I'll start working with in January - where there has also been a bit of communication issues, but nothing nearly as grave as the passion project above, more of the oddly entertaining kind - who said when I mentioned my hourly fee "which also depends on the length and width of project" that "let's not argue this, it's important that you're content and motivated, let's start and see how we work together and take things from there". And I can safely say that's just the matter of fact, healthy approach I do wish more work related situations could be dealt with.

Needless to say I'm very motivated. Not only from a financial aspect of course, it's a very interesting client and it'll be great fun to learn more about their business, the objective, the people and helping them with their social media presence. And the first new client on a new year is always special, setting the tone of the rest of the year one might say.

I've also put in a lot of hours in the coaching project already. In fact I might have accidently found a job, not a traineeship, for one of my participants (a clever hardware development engineer) already. Fingers crossed for her interview in a week. And it warms the heart when someone says "Thank you Pia, you are jette snääääälllll" (werry kiiiiinddddd). The warm and fuzzy feeling.



Which was also the feeling I got when I did a stand in as dog sitter last night. I'm adding "Catwoman with serious dog whisperer skills" to my CV. My heart is melting by all that cute overload. Yes, the felines are darling but I miss having a special dog too.



As I've written a fair amount about music that makes my heart sing lately, I'll end this post by doing so again. Yes, I'm absolutely smittened by Dutch band Haevn - "Where the Heart Is" still being the ultimate favourite of course - have listened to them all weekend on repeat, on Spotify, on the computer, on the iPhone, on YouTube and best of all on TV. I mean, whatever did we do before Apple TV and wide screen TVs - its like having a decent concert experience in your own living room without having to deal with people and their noise. Pause and get another cup of tea. Repeat. Pure brilliance.

As you can see the cats are mesmerized by the tunes too. (Of course it has nothing to do with the birds flying over the screen in the video.)



I adore this cover of "Fastlane" too, the voice, the energy, the music, the fun they seem to have and not least that fabulous guitar riff (that makes me seriously thinking about picking up my guitar again all these years later). Overall they're not only wonderful on original tunes, but also on various covers like Adele's "Hello" (which happens to have meant a lot to me this past year, brought me to many tears).



And please listen to this version of A-ha's "Take on me" with Kygo. It makes me happy. Loved the song in my teens - and haven't we all had a crush on Morten? - it has aged well. And so have the band members. Yet another proof that age is just a silly number. And a mindset. 

Which happens to be another thing I'm taking with me into the new year, agelessness and a firm belief it's much more important to live, laugh and love life than worry about a silly number that's basically only visible on your identity card and (fugly) passport. It doesn't say a thing about who you really are. In fact I think I'm gonna cancel birthdays from here on.

Happy New 2018 - 
may it bring an abundance of 
prosperity, love, laughter and kindness.

where the heart is

Luckily I've been busy with other work this past week, but I haven't really been able to cast off the frustration, anger and calm down from the time out situation, for various reasons. And things on that front have most certainly not had a positive development during the week that was. Not the least bit surprised about that am I.

When you really don't like how this make you feel or act, when you start to question and resent decent people you're grateful for and fond of but who you feel don't listen to what you're saying anymore.

Most likely because they have enough on their own plates, in their own lives, to really care for your views and feelings. And in the end we can't rely on the support of others, we have to rely on ourselves for the support. To make the decisions that are best for our own wellbeing.

When your sleep is affected and you start crying for seemingly no reason at all. When you wish you could be professionally detached, but your soul is feeling suffocated and a little bit crushed by it all. Over-worked, under-appreciated, so incredibly tired.

And when you know you're the happiest, work your best when you can be your quirky, passionate self, to be trusted and free to do what needs to be done. Where structure, freedom and sprinkles of spontaneity play together. And you still have different, clear areas of responsabilities, not constantly feel you're stepping on eachother's toes. When all this overwhelms you, change needs to happen.

To be quite honest, as things have developed, I don't really see myself playing an important role in this particular project anymore. It's dispiriting, and fills me with sadness, since it has been such fun, so much shared energy, fantastic teamwork. But I just don't get it anymore. And when nobody's really listening, taking decisions I play no part in, but that still affects me. And the project, the objective, which leads to the inconsistency of TOV. The, frankly, blatant lack of regular and clear communication. Well, I think it's high time to have a serious think if this is the right route for me.

I don't want to let anyone down, including myself. And I'm really confused as to what is the right thing to do here to stay true to myself.

"At the end of the day I want to be able to say I contributed more than I criticized" - and I'm not sure I can say that in this case anymore. Or at least it'll be a lot of mulling over, planning and talking things through to get back there. And I do want to re-connect with my spark again.

I'll have a good long thought over the Christmas weekend, what I want, what needs to change and which direction I need to move on in. Because as far as I can see, what I know, at this time, this seems a futile situation. Hopefully I'll get some good nights sleep too, that would be lovely. Obviously I'm not great at trusting the process right now. Perhaps the logging out and sleeping my way through the weekend can rectify that. I need to read more, and laugh more. And watch 'Love Actually' for the umpteenth time.

That said, let's talk music. Music that soothes the soul, as music does.

I got the above compilation from Spotify the other week, let's just say my musical habits here doesn't really reflect my late autumn listening. My favourite tunes are quite different from the five mentioned here. As are the favourite artists. But I love that my old, longtime favourites Pet Shop Boys are still number one.

My favourite genre is apparently New Wave Pop, I didn't even know there is such a thing.



So what is my current music crush? Well, just as the blog post title says, the number one is "Where the heart is", by Haevn. It's just pure love for me now. The lyrics are so beautiful, speak to my soul, in the most profound way. And this live video is unpretentious loveliness.

"High above the tallest trees
Courage will come your way
It's the need that burns the trust that shines
When you climb out of the shade

Your high awakes the things you wanna be
Where the air is thin and sweeps you off your feet"

Overall I adore their simple videos, as far from 1980ies style you can get. I'm not sure if it's me who've picked my current most listened to list or Spotify's clever algorithms, but here goes -

Finding out more - Haevn
Fuel to fire - Agnes Obel
Frail love - Cloves
You there - Aquilo
Every little thing she does is magic - Sleeping at last
Where's my love - SYML
All we do - Oh Wonder
Oblivion - Bastille
Need it - Half Moon Run

And the irony that they are all basically seamlessly intertwined with eachother isn't lost on me.

Now and then I dance still, but I allow myself to be in this mood now. This is life too. It's the time of the year, with dark days, long nights, many thoughts. I'm looking forward to positive change, lighter days, a new and amazing, love and happiness filled year. And, to quote "Where the heart is" - Take the leap of my life, falling to the stars.

May your Christmas weekend be kind, warm and relaxing.