where the heart is

Luckily I've been busy with other work this past week, but I haven't really been able to cast off the frustration, anger and calm down from the time out situation, for various reasons. And things on that front have most certainly not had a positive development during the week that was. Not the least bit surprised about that am I.

When you really don't like how this make you feel or act, when you start to question and resent decent people you're grateful for and fond of but who you feel don't listen to what you're saying anymore.

Most likely because they have enough on their own plates, in their own lives, to really care for your views and feelings. And in the end we can't rely on the support of others, we have to rely on ourselves for the support. To make the decisions that are best for our own wellbeing.

When your sleep is affected and you start crying for seemingly no reason at all. When you wish you could be professionally detached, but your soul is feeling suffocated and a little bit crushed by it all. Over-worked, under-appreciated, so incredibly tired.

And when you know you're the happiest, work your best when you can be your quirky, passionate self, to be trusted and free to do what needs to be done. Where structure, freedom and sprinkles of spontaneity play together. And you still have different, clear areas of responsabilities, not constantly feel you're stepping on eachother's toes. When all this overwhelms you, change needs to happen.

To be quite honest, as things have developed, I don't really see myself playing an important role in this particular project anymore. It's dispiriting, and fills me with sadness, since it has been such fun, so much shared energy, fantastic teamwork. But I just don't get it anymore. And when nobody's really listening, taking decisions I play no part in, but that still affects me. And the project, the objective, which leads to the inconsistency of TOV. The, frankly, blatant lack of regular and clear communication. Well, I think it's high time to have a serious think if this is the right route for me.

I don't want to let anyone down, including myself. And I'm really confused as to what is the right thing to do here to stay true to myself.

"At the end of the day I want to be able to say I contributed more than I criticized" - and I'm not sure I can say that in this case anymore. Or at least it'll be a lot of mulling over, planning and talking things through to get back there. And I do want to re-connect with my spark again.

I'll have a good long thought over the Christmas weekend, what I want, what needs to change and which direction I need to move on in. Because as far as I can see, what I know, at this time, this seems a futile situation. Hopefully I'll get some good nights sleep too, that would be lovely. Obviously I'm not great at trusting the process right now. Perhaps the logging out and sleeping my way through the weekend can rectify that. I need to read more, and laugh more. And watch 'Love Actually' for the umpteenth time.

That said, let's talk music. Music that soothes the soul, as music does.

I got the above compilation from Spotify the other week, let's just say my musical habits here doesn't really reflect my late autumn listening. My favourite tunes are quite different from the five mentioned here. As are the favourite artists. But I love that my old, longtime favourites Pet Shop Boys are still number one.

My favourite genre is apparently New Wave Pop, I didn't even know there is such a thing.



So what is my current music crush? Well, just as the blog post title says, the number one is "Where the heart is", by Haevn. It's just pure love for me now. The lyrics are so beautiful, speak to my soul, in the most profound way. And this live video is unpretentious loveliness.

"High above the tallest trees
Courage will come your way
It's the need that burns the trust that shines
When you climb out of the shade

Your high awakes the things you wanna be
Where the air is thin and sweeps you off your feet"

Overall I adore their simple videos, as far from 1980ies style you can get. I'm not sure if it's me who've picked my current most listened to list or Spotify's clever algorithms, but here goes -

Finding out more - Haevn
Fuel to fire - Agnes Obel
Frail love - Cloves
You there - Aquilo
Every little thing she does is magic - Sleeping at last
Where's my love - SYML
All we do - Oh Wonder
Oblivion - Bastille
Need it - Half Moon Run

And the irony that they are all basically seamlessly intertwined with eachother isn't lost on me.

Now and then I dance still, but I allow myself to be in this mood now. This is life too. It's the time of the year, with dark days, long nights, many thoughts. I'm looking forward to positive change, lighter days, a new and amazing, love and happiness filled year. And, to quote "Where the heart is" - Take the leap of my life, falling to the stars.

May your Christmas weekend be kind, warm and relaxing.