When I began writing this post I was really angry. But before I hit publish I thought about the "Be responsible for the energy you put out in the world" and decided to sleep on it. And here is the much shorter version, still angry and disappointed, but I'll omit the worst, unsavoury details.
The anger includes myself because in hindsight I feel like a fool for trusting people I obviously shouldn't have trusted. For being open and willing to take a chance at a new, much less structured way of working, which went so awry. Will not make that mistake again. Even free spirits need basic structure. And trust is earned, partly by clear and transparent communication. And since I'm not usually gullable, the whole thing feels... bizarre. What. was. I. thinking?
Wish I could just let The Project That Became A Mess go, as a very important life and work lesson. But unfortunately I realised while going through my papers and invoices for the annual closing I'm still missing payments for it. A fact which obviously has added another layer of disappointment, hurt and anger to this whole mess.
So not only did I a) agree to a subpar fixed payment (since the work had so much promise for the future, in various ways) for a job that turned out to need a whole lot of more hours than originally stated -
and I who always want to do a great job, since it's important to be proud of your achievements, did put in more work and hours because to get the consistent quality level and attention to details that was needed -
b) I haven't even gotten all the payment I should have.
For me it's an important sum to get, for a well-managed company it would be penny ante.
However, since bitterness is a useless emotion, just like worry - what have I learnt from this? Well,
1. I will never ever again go against my instinct, experience and adopt a laizzer-faire attitude in work when it comes to agreements, communication and structure. This was the first time I did, and look what a mess that turned out to be. Duh, says lawyer I.
I realize this was a rather special situation and circumstances, but really, had we just set aside a few hours before we jumped right in this could have mostly been avoided.
2. I don't care if people, future team mates, think I nag and repeat, nag and repeat, nag and repeat, because seriously, it. is. so. very. important that we discuss, get everything in writing and have the solutions to what ifs and different possible scenarios well sorted beforehand. For everyone involved. Stress less, be more focused and productive.
Another thing to feel better, stress less and come up with solutions to tricky situations is to go for long walks in nature. Which also boosts kindness, happiness and creativity. As I haven't been able to do that much for these past couple of months due to all the snow and ice, I found it both incredibly elevating as well as exhausting when I've so far had two long dog walks in the sun and wind two days in a row.
No, I'm not a dog owner again, it's one of the neighbourhood dog ladies who needs help with walking her sister's dog (who she is currently caring for, one of the cuties I practised my dog whisperer skills on). She's such a sweet tempered labrador, but she is also very strong and needs someone who can hold the leash and keep up with her. Even I find it a bit laboursome, but perhaps it'll give me som serious upper arm muscles.
Funny thing is that the dog sitter think I and Mynta (the herb Mint in Swedish) match eachother so well. Walking side by side. Although, important detail, Mynta has a very special swagger and wag her bottom quite noticably. I most certainly don't.
I still miss having a dog of my own again, but it's also a responsability for someone who needs more of my time and not least structure, compared to the cats, perhaps I'm simply not there yet. And just as I believe that the above work experience with it's ups that ended in a serious down was meant to be, for experience and growth's sake, I believe if a doggie is meant to be it will happen.
Much like songs come your way when your mood calls for them. And even if it's difficult to believe I don't only listen to Haevn these days, this dreamy thing with Celine Cairo is one of my current music crushes.
From darkness to light, from anger to music that soothes a weary soul. As life is. And with winter phasing out, spring, real spring is just eager to step in and take charge. I do believe this will work wonders for the body and soul. And not least bring opportunities and new beginnings. Which I welcome with open arms and a curious, eager mind.
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