talk to me

This current and unexpected situation has really made me examined myself too. What I could have done differently over these past months, to better things. And apart from repeating, SCREAMING COMMUNICATION, PLEASE even more, I'm really clueless as to what I could have done. Asked more questions, demanded clarifications on intentions? Written confirmations on everything? Nagging? Such unpleasantry, nah.

Since we are, well, were, a remote team our communication has almost solely been via Slack, Trello, Skype and phone calls. And that puts extra demands on clarity and straight talk. When you can't see people's facial expressions, body language, look them in the eyes, you have to be extra careful about other people's views and feelings, what you can and can't do. You simply have to put in some extra effort with that. For me that's pretty darn basic.

Of course you can't go through life without never ever hurting other people's feelings. Or get hurt by other people. Part of life. Still, we can do our best to be kind, caring and insightful people. And please, never ever assume other people can read your mind.

As someone wise once told me - assume is short for making an ass of you and me.

I'm also thinking that I could have reacted in different ways when my cup finally runneth over. I could have called and demanded answers as to what the f was going on - not my style, hysteria is not my cup of emotional tea. Maybe it should be? Perhaps it clears the air? But it feels so uncomfortable and unproductive to me.

Instead I wrote a Slack message when I noticed they'd already dismissed the strategy, quality, TOV for something quite different before we had talked about it. What use was talking now? This was the last straw, so many different little things here and there have lead up to this. Small things that on their own would have been insignificant, but as a pattern painted an uncomfortable picture of not being able to trust the situation, the person anymore.

There has been so much drama all through this project, I was not aware of the full scope of it when I signed on. Looking back I would probably have done it anyway, because I would not have been able to grasp just how deep down a rabbit hole this would go. Surely we could have constructive meetings and talks about how to move forward in the best way, you know, grown up style? And nb, I'm saying this in a very unpatronizing way here. Ah, maybe I did ass-u-me to much?

I can't help but thinking back on my years working as a lawyer. All the decisions I had to make for other people, trying to get them to compromise, see their opponent's point of view, being yelled at, trying to keep my calm and explain the whys. Leaving that part of my professional life behind has been one of my best decisions in life. Still very happy I took my Master of Law degree, it has helped me in so many ways, made me see things differently, made me more versatile. But working as a lawyer, never again.

Still, sometimes I apparently find myself in some weird maelstrom of unprofessionalism forcing me to channel my inner lawyer. Which is the best way to try and see other people's reasons for acting in certain ways - as the saying goes, two lawyers, five different sides to a coin. But not even that channeling can make me feel less hurt. And it won't turn me in to a mind reader, alas.

Had I not been so involved in this, and hurt by the careless bulldozing, I can objectively see solutions. Steps that would possibly rectify. But those first steps are not mine to take. And not mine to spell out. I've said so so much already on different occasions.

It has been an intense journey and I'm so incredibly tired of feeling like a pawn. The one that's expected to be available when other people find the time in their schedules, because my time is obviously not as valuable. The inconsistencies of what's being said. I just can't be the greater person here, able to look past all this. Getting hurt and then cosset someone else's ego, gosh no. And obviously I'm the only one in the (ex)team who care about all of this anyway, everything communicates and silence is communication in itself.

There's a time for pride, for taking care of oneself's needs, for forgiveness. Life is short and I try to live by "What would the future Pia thank respectively reproach me for doing or not doing?" - but you know what, in this situation I have no idea what she would say.



The weekend has hold playing my theme song "Where the Heart is" countless of times. I also have a new favourite song - Talk to me by Thomas Azier. Smittened by his voice, the mix of 1980ies emo and 1930s decadence dressed in a 21st century costume.

"Talk to me, talk to me,
tell me how you really feel.
Talk to me, talk to me,
tell me what is fake and what is real."

Life would be so much better and distinctively less complicated if people just communicated better, and didn't just bulldozed forward, wouldn't you agree?

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PS Next time I need to blog about happy things, positive news or just plain silly matters. Promise. DS