fortitude

Did promise happy things, positive news or just plain silly matters, didn't I?

So let's start. Monday to Friday-ish - 

:: This week's amazingly colourful organic vegan food box made my heart sing! Add delicious, healthy and kind to the gorgeousness, there is truly only guilt-free happiness in plantbased food. I'll show you all the wonderful (with few exceptions) dishes I've cooked lately (as food ambassador on Instagram) soon. Still adore my little assignment.



:: On Tuesday was Fat Tuesday = the importance of having a decent semla. Alas, no baking my own this year, but if you want to here's a decent recipe (vegan if you chose dairy-free butter and plantbased milk of course). I had mine at Fru Maria's Bak, it was lovely, but for the cow's cream. I've finally reached the stage where I'm pretty disgusted by the taste, constant notion of where it comes from, the vast cruelty behind it plus my tummy can't really deal with it anymore. 

Even if I've eaten 98% vegan for the last few years now I do believe I've reached the point where I really need to stick to the 100%. Both for conscience and health reasons. And it certainly isn't a sacrifice, it's a joy and you're just spreading more kindness in the world.



:: I had a really good talk with a person who has been considerably more bruised and awfully treated by this mess, than I. And during that conversation she said so many sweet, kind and caring things - some of which made be blush, laugh and cry tears of relief afterwards, since she actually understood me - had I only got a tiny portion of that care and understanding, instead of patronising, from my (ex)team I would have been so grateful and things would have been very different now.

What we talked about and how we talked raised several questions for me, like

• Do we really communicate so differently, women and men? Or is it just a coincidence when that happens?
• Is the male ego more fragile than a woman's? Or is that simply an individual thing? 
• Is it easier for women to have intellectual humility and a growth mindset than it is for men? To admit they've been wrong, misunderstood things, to apologize? To realize that's in fact a strength, not a weakness?
• The need for straight talk, is it something prefered by women? Is circumscribing and mollycoddling more of a male thing?

Still, I do prefer to think of it as individual traits, that we all are shaped by our experiences, environment and genes, as individuals not by gender in general. But then again, this project has, in hindsight, been quite a social experiment regarding this. And I don't like what it has shown, so far. 

It's so strange to realise that the obvious patterns in this poisionous mess aren't seen by everyone. The master suppression techniques, the breach of labour laws. Where the blame, responsability and empathy should lay but aren't. Who needs a great big scolding and who doesn't. Is it female intuition? Is it a pathos for justice? Is it easier to look in another direction? Fear of conflict? Every man for himself? So many questions, a complete lack of answers and dialogue, only silence.

I said yes. I said no. I was disappointed. Frustrated. Angry. Hurt. My professional pride was steamrolled. I also promised to be braver in 2018. I said what needed to be said. Fortitude. Still, what broke my heart most in all this is how easily the team was divided, by things and people that shouldn't have been able to do that. Yet they did.

But again, grateful for having met them. It was amazing while it lasted. Wish it had continued. Still I'm proud of showing and telling how I felt, and feel. I wouldn't have been true to myself if I hadn't. And that is the most important thing always. It was my little way of braving the wilderness. If that makes me a bit inconvenient, then so be it.

:: I've been working very hard on my coaching gig for these past 8 weeks, and I would lie if I didn't say it has been quite frustrating too. But it seems like, touch wood, things are finally on track as per Friday. Such a great way to end the working week. Especially concidering what happened a week ago. 

It's good to be reminded of the simple thing that at the end of the day, at the end of the week, I want to be able to say that I contributed more than I criticized. 

I've also come to realize that I'm actually a pretty decent facilitator. And that it is a trait of mine that was never really appreciated or understood in the project, never tapped into and fully made use of. We could have created magic together, with our different strengths. Ah well, it is what it is, their loss and a thorn in my heart. Back to the drawing board of figuring out where I'll contribute best with being myself.



And on fortitude, of course there is a Haevn song with that name. And it's beautiful. Naturally. I will roll into the weekend on that notion. A weekend of healing from the hurt a little bit more. Practise my resilience. And figuring out where I want to go from here.

PS. For me the natural thing would be to sit down face to face and talk this through properly. When the hurt and dust have settled a bit. The whys and hows. Set aside a day for it, don't stress it but focus. Talk and listen. And write things down. Is it possible to sort this out, rebuild the broken trust, move on, set a proper strategy? Phone calls are just poor poor substitutes for that. But the again, I'm the one with a strong preference for straight and clear communication. Noone else seem to be. DS