Thursday, July 12, 2007

Things I'll Never Know

Some days, or most days, or, well, pretty much all the time really, I think a lot about all those details in life - as if you haven't heard that before... - some times they make me go all wow-that's-amazing and others I mutter in disdain or angry disbelief.

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Here are some of the details I've thought about and/or done lately - and yes as it happens I'm a great believer in procrastination, in fact it's my middle name, now and again, when I chose it to be...:

* it only took some weeks, but now they're all safely planted in the flowerbeds, the tagetes, the zinnias and the dark pink rudbeckia. The latter being perennial, so it'll hopefully grow and bring joy for many years to come.

* writing, thinking, planting flowers is also something world renowned Swedish botanist Carl von Linné did. Born in 1707 which makes 2007 the tercentenary of his birth.

Celebrations everywhere in Sweden it seems. Myself I'm probably pretty unaware of his importance concerning the subjects of botany, ecology and taxonomy. I'm sort of ashamed to admit that for me he's mostly a rather dusty, wrinkled, ugly wax doll *hate those* at the Natural History Museum.

* An ignorant fact that makes me think about another fact, namely that ignorance may be bliss, but it's also a state of affair one chose to be in, not something one can use as an excuse when things doesn't turn out as one might have wanted or expected them to do.

* Which makes me ponder a bit about all the things there are everywhere, all the time, all over the world, beyond and above, that I don't have a clue about. Things I've forgotten, things I never bothered to learn. Things I've never had the opportunity to learn. Things I've had no interest in learning or knowing about. Things I probably sleep more peacefully not knowing anything about.

Things I do know about, but never really have gotten around to know more thoroughly, either by pure laziness or a lack of time. Or willingness. My priorities have been and are elsewhere.

But if I had made other priorities, maybe life would look quite different not only for me, but for others. Others I now will never meet, know or learn more about.

These are details in the big picture of it all, that's probably best not to think too much about. One reason for thinking about them might me I have too much time to actually think about them.

* Which of course makes me think about what a waste it is - in the big picture as well as the small more personal - that it's just so darn difficult to get a job again! Here I am, insightful me, with so many qualifications, on paper as well as not, knowledge, degrees and such a smashing personality to match that. I'm such an amazing resource - and still.

I know it's not me, it's just the stars which aren't in the exact right conjunction now, the right paper hasn't landed on the right table, in the hands of the right person yet. The right person who'll one day read my application, or hear of me, jump up and shout "Eureka, I found her!".

The right person in the right place at the right time hasn't appeared yet. It's just that I'm not a very patient person. And I do think this is such a terrible waste of resources, me here writing and not there writing and getting paid for it. Making more of a difference. Using all my multi faceted skills.

This sure is a detail, a very huge, well more of a stupendous, voluminous, gigantic, detail for me, that makes me mutter in ill-humoured disbelief...

* Just so I don't descend down in to a somewhat overwhelming feeling of despair - been there, done that - I try to keep busy, make the most of the days, the nights, enjoy the time I do have to explore, learn, treat myself to different things great and small, yes marvel about the details and the moments in the life of a resource-not-in-full-use.

I could probably do more with my days, or not. I could be a better little housewife, but yes, I've said it before and I live by it close to fanatically, a clean house is a sign of a life wasted. So I potter about, at my very own pace, in my very own way.

* For those years that all the energy I could muster went into work at a workplace not of this world, with likewise people - and perhaps unfortunately just too much of in this world - and not enough energy went into life, love, books and details, I now try and make up.

My pride of a vivid intellect has slowly returned, and if I might say so *of course I might* it has returned better than ever. Now as icing on the cake it would be very nice indeed, such a treat, to be able to get out there and make the most of it.

I refuse to be put down by all this, in that case I should have been at a much earlier stage of the process back in to business again, but still there are days, times, moments in life that all the worries start creeping up, knocking on the door, let us in.

In those moments it's good to be able to take refuge in details such as the fact that a recent letter to Denmark only needed 1,5 days with the postal services to arrive at its destination. I know, one could get back and forth by plane several times during that time. But now we're writing the Swedish postal service, and then that's a big deal, a ginormous, almost Nobel Prize winner-of a deal.

And the fact that tomorrow I have at least eight smallish, but fun, exploring, enjoyable things on my to-do-list to chose from. Which is sort of a luxury in details, to chose wisely, in the right order, to explore and learn the things I will know and don't spend so much time brooding about the ones I'll never know.

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