the prettiest 55 year old

The reasons I rarely buy second hand clothes are that I'm rather particular when it comes to quality, design and fit. If the brand isn't well-known and already loved, the quality, design and attention to detail have to be outstanding. Also, if you're not a tiny size the supply tend to be considerably smaller. Plus really, it should be easy to wear and wash.

Something that ticked ALL these boxes appeared in a Facebook-group for buying-selling Marimekko the other month. (Clearly one of the rare positive things from Facebook.)

This dress. A shirt dress. With pockets. In a reasonable size. The most amazing thing though, is that it's made in 1964 in Helsinki and the only tiny visible wear and tear under one arm, after 55 years of wear and countless of washes. Obviously it screamed my name loud and clear. It moved in with me a couple of days ago, as a birthday gift for myself (today, hooray!).

A dress older than myself, in almost mint condition, with my name written all over it. A dress and a gift which obviously hasn't added to my carbon footprint. I absolutely adore it. And if it was possible to ONLY get fantastic vintage dresses like this one I would immediately go all in second hand. And what an amazing testament to the quality of the brand as well as the cotton back then. It's truly a gem of a dress, in every aspect. Another 55 stepping boldly into my life.





So what has this one year older, one year wiser, currently very redhead birthday gal been up to these past few weeks then? Well, alas nothing quite as spectacular as the hair colour.

A couple of art exhibitions that were both lovely; Edward Burne-Jones and the Pre-Raphaelites, the other Hilma af Klint & co, painting and spirituality.

A couple of events on sustainability; the work and projects done on the path of what MUST happen - a ban on single use plastic. And a sharing & circular economy meetup, this time on consumer goods (remember the super interesting one on sustainable fashion in August?). Both great in their own ways.

Had a very wonky video interview for a very interesting job (head of marketing in a foodwaste startup), but as there were 150 applicants I'm not counting on being one of the last few they call for the next step in the process. Have applied for a few other interesting positions. Currently doing some gigs in the meantime, while I'm STILL figuring out what my next step leading to the dream job shall be...

Currently reading "The Universe has your back" too. As I loved the talk between Marie Forleo and Gabby Bernstein on being a super attractor (which arrived in my inbox JUST when I needed it...).



But even if I firmly believe that what's meant to be will be etc, I find the book somewhat... very... American? I may concider myself spiritual, but obviously in an Atheist way, and all this praying is just... icky to me. But there are also things in the book I can relate to, so read on I will. And then on to "May cause miracles". And syncronicity, serendipity and not least The Flow ftw. Meditation, finally, is also on my immediate agenda.

Finally I did go through all that is needed to get an appointment at a skin specialist doctor in Sweden. Even if there has been a dramatic difference since I a) went fully vegan, and b) began using Dermalogica, and even more so after finding the exact products that work for my skin, I'm still not quite where I want to be. Plus I also want to get a medical opinion, which hopefully will be another crucial piece of the skin puzzle.

Unfortunately a little snag appeared, it turned out the doctor couldn't examine my skin with me wearing makeup though. So I had to get a new appointment in December. You might think I was stupid to not realising that myself, but well, I thought the examination would be more high-tech than that and I would have appreciated that information beforehand. Ah well, live and learn, at least I'm finally within reach of getting an answer to something that has been such a big part of my life for too many years now, and even more so these past few years since M's passing.

Apart from welcoming the prettiest 55 year old to my home, I had a super-nice pedicure yesterday, today I'll have a cosy day in the city running errands, having a special fika, buying vegan pastry to take home and enjoy during the weekend. And next Saturday I've booked a vegan afternoon tea which I'm looking forward to so very much. As November 1 also is the anniversary of when I removed the cast last year, I suppose you can see that occasion as a celebration of that too, rather than a birthday thing.

Thank you so far, October, for the good, the bad and the in between, I'm grateful for the lessons, but now I'm truly ready (again, still) for the truly great stuff. Oh how I would appreciate that. Truly.

the okonomiyaki, the veterinarian and the job news

Started the week with a third veterinarian visit with Ztina, her breathing had become quick and shallow again last week and maybe the dosage needed changing.

The veterinarian was very hopeful at the first check-up a couple of weeks ago, that it was the infection that had caused her heart problem and that her heart medication could possibly be phased out. But alas it turned out she needed to get back on diuretic because she showed signs of lung oedema again. Hopefully this in combination with her heart medication will get her back in normal shape.

She's such a trooper. Grumpy sweetie.



I finally got the much awaited news about the job I applied for a few weeks back. They were happy with the interview but had decided to go with the candidate with more social structure experience. That's their choice obviously, and noone can say it was the right or wrong choice. I'm sure it was a great candidate with fine communication skills. And there was absolutely nothing I could have done differently, my skillset is what it is at this moment in time. Nothing to dwell on, just moving on.

I think it was pretty brilliant I was one of the final three candidates in fierce competition. The job just wasn't for me. My kind of people, my kind of organisation is still out there to be found. And after I had put the phone down I applied for two other jobs that I've had an eager eye on too, but held off applying since I focused on this one. One door closes and who knows what will open instead? That's exciting. And now I'm still open to more gigs and new clients, that's awesome too.

And for the very right and special client I might even, on occasion, wear a read nose.



Then I ended the day with cooking, what turned out to be, one of the tastiest vegan food box meals to date - okonomiyaki with pickled cucumber and hoisin sauce. It was actually mindblowingly good. The okonomiyaki consisted of grated carrots, sliced white cabbage and spring onions in a batter of chickpea flour and psyllium seed jelly (what a brilliant binding agent!). Here's the recipe in Swedish.



Now I'm going to listen to music, cuddle my poor little fluffster on a summer evening sun chair, acknowledge how much in my life I'm truly grateful for and great doors unknown I'm looking forward to see opening soon.

grow more, learn just a little

Chanting. Job interview. Circular economy breakfast seminar. My very condensed week that was.

I've been meaning to start regular meditation routines for many many years, but somehow life went on without it. And when an old fellow cat breeder told me about her having practised chanting for many years, last year, I thought I should look into that. It took me a year of thinking, but now I've had a glimpse of it.

First of all, I shy away from anything with a whiff of religion - as far as I'm concerned, the root of so much evil in this world - I may be spiritual and philosophical but I also concider myself an atheist.  I also believe everything is connected, in serendipity, magic and that there are more powers at work in this universe and world than the human brain and intelligence can ever fully understand. However I firmly don't believe such thoughts have anything to do with worshipping bearded or bald men existing above the clouds.

My only religion is kindness. Which obviously embrace every (kind and innocent) living being and fellow earthling.

When I attended the chanting and meeting I had no preconceptions, only an open mind. And five days later I'm still not sure what I felt about the experience. It was interesting to hear that so many of the things I believe and live by, the above mentioned but also the concept of Karma, Law of Attraction, to be responsible for the energy you put out in the world, happiness and that you grow into a better person by hardships, difficulties, sorrows are things firmly rooted in Buddhism. And it's not often you find yourself in a group of nine strangers being urged to share your experience of philosophical questions (that you had no idea was on the agenda).



But I also know I'm an intro/ambivert and I prefer one on one interactions before group activities. I do prefer to have a solitary think before I speak on new topics. And overall it was a bit... too much for me. Dare I say slightly suffocating? I will however read up on the concepts and chanting, because doing it as means to find inner peace and growth is something that appeals to me. Simply a part of me being braver this year. Without group activities.

The bonus of the meeting was I got to meet another British Shorthair than my own ones. She was such a sweet and social little soul, 14 years old but didn't look it.



The job interview went well. It seems like a really exciting position, with a lot of pieces of the puzzle being in perfect match with my particular background. As the interview was with a recruitment company I can now only have my fingers very firmly crossed that the organisation also want to meet next week. And yes, it would be darling if you could hold your fingers kindly crossed too, dear internetz.



The breakfast seminar on circular economy was interesting and enlightening. I had some good talks with people. However I was admittedly deeply disappointed about the fact that a company that works with sustainability issues and sustainable businesses only served sandwiches with both meat and dairy. That's just crazy, and neither credible, sustainable nor inclusive in communication. It's not the first time this has happened at seminars, despite mentioning "vegan" when I sign up. But it's *a bit* more remarkable when it's that kind of company and that kind of talks.

And no, "you can remove the meat, cheese and butter from the sandwich" is simply not an acceptable suggestion in 2018.

Most everyone gets happy and satisfied with a vegan sandwich for breakfast, plus it's healthy, sustainable and cheaper. It doesn't have to be more complicated than that.

I had a glass of orange juice and a pear. And then I had to go to a favourite cafe for a lovely vegan sandwich and oat latte in order not to faint from a lack of bodily nourishment, before I went home. Imagine if this gorgeous, simple hummus on rye had been the seminar breakfast instead...

At the end of another week, collecting my thoughts and hopes for a new one, it's difficult to grasp that it's Midsummer by the end of next week, and then only one left of June. Time continues to fly and the only thing we can do with that knowledge is to grow and learn a little more each day, each week, each life. Be kind and stay true to ourselves.

oh let the river in

Hell hath no fury like a woman not being paid by her client. And as new unsavoury details unfold in the ex-project mess I'm really gobsmacked that they think the people affected by this appalling, careless and selfish behaviour will just accept and be quiet. Which is obviously sheer stupidity on their part.

Not only have I not been fully paid, this project has also put my own business in danger. Due to the fact I have lost other revenues since I said no to other job offers as I (was a fool to) believe in it as a long term prospect. And the whole thing has been time consuming, energy draining and obviously really hurtful. At a time in my life when I really really didn't want to fight any new battles.

And that's only my story in very short. I'm not the only one hurt. It has been an important life lesson. But with ramifications I did in no way expect, just because I trusted people to be decent, fair, truthful and not despicable ass hats.

Of course I'm not going to be quiet and accepting about this. Doing that would eat me up from inside. They have certainly messed with the wrong person. Currently collecting facts and pondering the best way for maximum impact.



So while I entertain different scenarios in this aspect, my brain is still capable of work, entertain and enjoy other things. Like long walks and seasonal inauguration of the Moomin sneakers - which sadly gave me serious blisters this year so I won't be stepping into them anytime soon, buhu - and the brilliant weather. Global warming gave us high summer weather in early May, I know, and it's with very mixed feelings of human guilt I enjoy it. Weltschmerz is always lurking at the back of my mind.



I baked vegan scones and had a little brilliant cream tea brunch to celebrate the arrival of May. To be able to enjoy so many meals al fresco as I've done so far in May is bliss. And I'm certainly not alone. My ever present masters of mindfullness and life enjoyment make the most of every day in the garden.





I May have got myself a very Moominesque Marimekko dress. I feel like a life size Little My (obviously my spirit character) in a fabulous power dress in it. Classic design and it will last for years. Just like my beloved flowery happy coat. Statement pieces of great quality that lift the mood of both wearer and viewers are great. I also like the fact that the dress is both casual and party depending on accessories. And it has pockets. Which all the best dresses have.



On my way home that day I spotted something that looked like a Moomin stuffed toy discarded at the recycling station. It was. Serendipity. The Moomin dad naturally came home with me. He might be the start of the revival of the Teddybear Sanctuary.



In the shivering last days of April my Christmas (!) amaryllis finally came into gorgeous bloom. Those two flowers have since withered but I think my little eye spy a couple of new buds replacing them. Better late than never, only five months late.



Soon, very soon the lilacs will be in full bloom already. My hedge is brimming with buds. And fingers crossed I don't have the snivels this year, so I can enjoy the wonderful, enlivening scent. The hedge is situated right outside the bedroom and the scent of it seeping inside is one of the loveliest seasonal things.

The top loveliest seasonal thing though arrived here today, the first summer hedgehog. Contemplating mowing the lawn when I noticed movement in the shrubs and some cute little sneezes, sure enough a wee hedgehog sighting. S/he was treated to some luxuary cat food and later feel asleep in an adorable little prickly bun shape in the flower bed. I feel blessed having such precious summer guests.



As far as the Ms Sustainability 2018 new gigs and jobs go, so far no positive news alas. Keep those fingers, toe and paws crossed, please.

dreams are

Was woken up last night at 4.55 - yes really - by a very intense, emotional dream. Which rarely happens, I can probably count the times on the fingers of one hand. But this was a kind of aha-moment that made me cry. Which also made me think about the saying that "Dreams are the answers of tomorrow's questions." Let's just say I really do hope this one was.

:: I've had a new routine since a year or so, every full moon (weather permitted) I have a little private ritual (which suddenly isn't quite as private, sharing this here) under it. Of giving thanks for things I'm grateful for and wishing for things important. Plus hopefully absorbing some positive energy from that bright, yellow bulb in the sky.

When doing this on March 1, which was absolutely freezing amidst all the snow and nothing remotely like dancing under a summer starlit sky, I suddenly heard an insisting meow. I thought it was one of my furries who were annoyed I wouldn't let them out in the garden, but it turned out it was the not-my-cat - which I will tell you about in another post, but in short, she's been sauntering the garden for many years when my cats aren't out, inspecting the premises from a safe distance up on the garden shed when I'm home and finally this summer she decided it was her home away from home too apparently. Ie playing queen of cats, eating, insisting to come inside, cuddles and chats. She's obviously well cared for and smells of some nice after shave, but I have no idea where she lives. - making a surprise visit late at night. I always talk out load to the moon and she had apparently heard me, how about that for cute serendipity?

:: The half February/half March has week has been a pretty good one. First the dishes in the organic, vegan food box have been a string of green, sparkling pearls this week. See, it's usually one or two dishes that shine and a couple that are nice, but not really memorable. But this week, oh my, so delicious all of them. Food post coming soon.

:: Then I offered a solution, or leastway a new start, for the hurtful ex-project mess. At least I have then done everything I can possibly do, and still acknowledging the hurt and let down. Life is short and this was something I really have enjoyed and had high hopes for. The least thing I can do, without losing my pride, is to say, let's talk about the future.

Which resulted in a really positive phone call from one of my ex-team guys at least. And I liked the "please don't lose hope of this" - and I won't, when I remember the first meeting and how natural the collaboration felt, I still believe in it. It was just the first project that went so much more crazy awry than I suppose anyone of us could have expected. So everything is just on pause now.

And quite possibly the team constellation will never be what it was. If the complete silence and unwillingness to talk things through from one person is anything to go by. But I have to be okey with that. What was meaningful to me might not have been as meaningful to others. And I suppose there's sooner or later exception to the rule of being a good judge of character. So I settle for being grateful for the joy that was, and the overall important life as well as work lesson this project has been.

:: A friend who reads this blog recently said 'I'm impressed that you're writing so open-heartedly about things.' - and I was 'You think it's free-spoken?' 'Duh'. I know I've touched on this before, that I don't feel I can write quite as openly as I once did. But I guess I still do, even if I obviously leave out a lot of matters. I just think authenticity is important. I'm sure some people can identify themselves in what I write, whilst others can't. If they even read this, that is, and what they make of it, who knows.

:: Quite a few positive, unexpected work related things appeared by the end of the week. Will hopefully know more next week. On a year when I've decided to be more brave I've decided to be more open for jobs I hadn't really contemplated before too. Still waiting for the Chief Happiness Officer offer though...



:: I've taken my second pair of glasses for some rides during the week. I think I prefer the green hornrimmed ones, but pink are always great too. Slightly smaller glass than the green ones since I hope I'll be able to get some sunglass clip-ons for them later on. Two for the price of one.

:: The fact that 90% of Swedes seem to dress in drab, depressing black, especially during autumn and winter - in a country that's in desperate need of light, inspiration and cheerful things half of the year - is just awful. The more I see all these dull people afraid of anything colourful, the more I'm adamant to go the other way. Or, well, continue to dress the way I've always done I suppose. I've just decided, even though I hate posting selfies and outfits in general, to actually do it more regularly on Instagram to inspire all those belonging to the 90% to try wear more colours. It does wonder for the mood, plus make other people happy too.

Some of the outfits to inspire might find their way to this blog too, who knows. It will be a great way for me to thrift in my own wardrobe, to mix and match new/old pieces. It'll be fun.



:: Ended the week with having a really lovely vegan brunch with a friend. I've been wanting to try that full English vegan for some time now. I've enjoyed so many of them over the years on our Britain and Scotland travels, but I still rarely cook them at home for lunch or dinner (bit too much for breakfast for a Swede who enjoys her tea and sandwich or soygurth with muesli, you know). The Stockholm hipster version of it was delicious. Teamed up with a turmeric latte, that happened to match my outfit. Like one does, now and then. And you can't have too much turmeric in your life.

Will now continue to spend my caturday, weekend, as it's best spent in freezing temperatures like this. And hope and wish for March to continue to show it's benevolent side. And the question to what a dream has already answered.

the unexpected let down

Oh how quickly things can change. Unfortunately my cool cat attitude didn't even last a week until I was treated in a very unprofessional and careless way, by someone I still thought was part of The Team.

Even if things changed a lot in the beginning of January. And then the project abruptly came to a halt at the end of the month, I still thought our little team were on the same page. That we would, given the currently very special circumstances, continue to treat eachother with respect and in the loop as much as possible.

And the fact that just being who I am, the way I am, my experiences, my special USP skill set, has been of a unique fit all through this, well, surely my hard work - naturally alongside everyone else's hard work, one of the nicest thing about this project and our fine team has been that our respective strengths and weaknesses have complimented eachother oh so well - and presence will be as valued as it has seemed to be, when we get through the currently bumpier ride than ever?

Turned out I was wrong.

I've tried to keep an open mind, accepted behaviours, the lack of clear communication, for some time now, that there's more than meet the eye, personal issues, stress, we all have bad days and so forth. But my cup runneth over this past week. I can't be expected to be a mind reader, knowing what's going on behind the scenes, in someone else's mind. How they see or not see the future, if they've changed their mind, path, loyalty. And here I am, no longer a cool cat, in this aspect, I'm just a sad, hurt cat. An angry, frustrated cat.

When I began writing about this, it ended up being a very long, cronological post. However I don't think that's very interesting, for anyone but myself. But if you're interested in how the marketing project journey began this September post is a good start.

This week most of the hard work I've put in to set a consistent on brand, high quality and attention to details standard for copy, photos, TOV and strategy in communication and social channels were basically reduced to meaninglessness.

When I pointed that out, in less strong words but nevertheless clearly that enough is enough for me now, I didn't get the least bit of professional courtesy, civil explanation or something like sorry, it wasn't the intention but... You now, how it works in a decent team. Instead I was told that

a) "We can talk, that's what grown-ups do." 

- Don't, just don't, say that to the one and only person who has all along been grown-up and insisted on straight talk, better communication, regular team updates all through the project. Don't say that to the person who has worked with communication all her life. The one who knows the importance of communication, communication, communication.

b) "No need to be upset just because someone does things differently." 

- Words that spring to mind are patronising, and shudder, mansplaining even. And obviously the situation is not that simple. I'm not that childish.

To be honest I can't believe it's the same decent person that seemed to value and appreciate my work, company and input so much. Whom I had such fun with. Now simply acting like a careless bull in a china shop. In a totally unprofessional way. (Although I'm not sure a bull in a china shop can ever be professional.)

These six months have, needless to say, been very intense. We've had such incredible fun, meaningful discussions, banters on fire, cool, quirky plans, silly nicknames, shared goals and a lot of energy, been frustrated and angry together, worked and played together so well.

With our refreshing mix of differences and similarities it was an unexpected friendship I had come to value. I got the impression of a caring, kindred oddball spirit. I mean, the offer to fly over "because Pia needs the support" and we are a team, that was one of the nicest thing someone has ever done for me. But now suddenly, that is simply a not so distant memory. Trust broken.

I also want to mention that trust is created, and earned, by what you say and most of all by what you do. Not by what you think, and don't share. I thought we suffered through this project turned lopsided together, and that we had other grand plans to be realized on the other side of it all.

Everything we do communicates. And to not communicate, that is communication in itself. Patronising and mansplaining speak even louder. I seem to have lost my team, as I've come to value so much, this week. I also seem to have lost a person I appreciated and thought I would work and play with in many more projects to come. And that hurts. A lot.

Perhaps it just wasn't my time to be a cool cat. My tribe is still out there somewhere, that much I know. And I've grown, learnt, changed and become a better person through all of this. I'm forever deeply, deeply grateful for that.

I still believe what's meant to be will be. I will now continue to lick my wounds from this experience for a while. But who knows what fantastic things, opportunities and people who are out there waiting to cross paths with me?

February, can you please, pretty please, show your kind and benevolent side now?

on being a cool cat

If last week went down a path of new interestingness, this past week has most certainly continued on the same trail. Such weird coincidences, slightly more synchronicity than serendipity, a lot of 55. Life right now. And the most interesting thing amidst all this I can't control, is that I'm getting pretty good at just remaining a cool cat. Not much choice other than that at this moment in time.

As may be known by now, patience isn't my greatest sport. I want things to move along, develop, be better, greater, as awesome as they can be as soon as possible. But when life doesn't want that at the same speed, we're forced to listen and adapt. And there are so many benefits to being patient, including health ones. Good things come to those who wait is more than a cliche. Cool cats listen.

The job interview went great. Plus two hours went by so quickly - and no I've never had such long first interviews. It wasn't really like any other interview I've been to, fascinating. Didn't have any obvious gut feelings pro or con afterwards, but a few days later I woke up early and had a sudden insight. And they've kept coming ever since, quite the list by now. I'm obviously not the only party or candidate involved in this process, so who knows what'll happen in the coming weeks. But whatever happens I've learnt a lot more about myself from that long interview, meeting these people, or perhaps it just confirmed what I already knew. What I want. And once again, it's enthralling really, how everything is connected. It's a small world.

To be honest, I do believe last year's grief recovery process unleashed something within me, not only allowed me to let go of certain particular painful parts of the sorrow, but also opened my mind in a way I have only touched on before. I'm not sure how to write about this without possibly sounding a bit doolally. But I'm not. Not in that sense anyway. But these past six months I've had the strangest feelings of premonitions, there's just no other way to describe them. Very tangible things, situations coming true. So much more than your usual gut feeling. Very grateful they've only revolved around positive matters or at least situations and disappointments through which I, and others, have gained valuable insights. Touch wood I might add.

On a lighter note, I'm quite pleased with my new glasses. They are indeed green horn-rims, and the style is not something I'd usually go for, but being basically blind as a bat when I try on new frames I thought they looked decent and pretty cool - remember my dad had something similar when I was little and a bit funky 60ies style is never wrong. And I firmly believe you should try something different whenever you have to get new glasses.

I'm glad I liked them when I picked them up and was able to actually see through the glass. I decided to get a second pair this past week, you always get a second pair for half the price at my optician of choice (for 8 years now). Pink, but not any of the two pink I chose from the other month.

A pretty cool side effect with these glasses is that you apparently get an immediate vampire look. No, my eyes aren't quite as shiny green no, I wish. But the iPhone PS app (one of my favourite photo editing tools) is revamped (oh the pun) into something quite fun to play with, try it if you haven't. Plus it makes those gray hairs look less unbearable, even if I'm getting better every day at not caring... I've been called Snow Queen from this photo a few times by very different people, which made me laugh, it's quite ominous. But I do promise I have no poisonous apple or other vengeful things up my winter sleeve. And I'd much rather be a Cool Cat.

A cool cat who managed to snap one of those much coveted ticket to the annual March 8 Women In Tech day conference in Stockholm. Have always missed out, but this year, after a pretty nerve wrecking 5 minutes with server crash I got one. The 1500 tickets were gone in 2 minutes, so needless to say I'm pretty chuffed I was one of the lucky ones...

Another fun thing that happened during the week was that I found myself stepping into my favourite shoe shop on my way home (ages since I bought shoes, believe it or not), it was a sale and I wasn't going to buy anything, oh no. Then I saw that one of my favourite ART models, one of the pairs that were ruined by the leaky roof in October, were on sale in my size. So what is a gal to do? While trying them on I chatted with another customer about how awesome the brand is, she was so inspired that she got the same shoes. And then we decided to meet up in May in our same shoes and have ice cream. Love little chance meetings like that, who knows what might come from them? In this case, vegan ice cream for sure.



Also, if you haven't already seen this clip from the Ellen show - I can't believe she's 60! Vegan diet, kindness, love, humour and dancing are the not so secret ingredients to that I'm sure - when she got her beautiful birthday gift from her wife, you must. Keep tissues close at hand though, you'll bawl your eyes out.

And what touched me most was the quote "To be loved is good, to be understood is profound." - and that is so true. To be understood, truly, that must be the base on which love is built. Simple and challenging at the same time. As life in general.

What will happen next week? If this first week of February is anything to go by, add to that my expectations of great things of course, it will continue to offer bemusement, delight and surprise. Which are things cool cats naturally appreciate.

we are

You know when your professional life has turned into a reality show full of drama, secrets and lies, truths and semi-truths, misinformation, misunderstandings and unexpected let downs? No? Well, me neither until this past week when it seems to have gone down a new path of... interestingness.

The truth is out there. As we are. And most likely it's, as usual, hidden somewhere between the different stories I've been told. I'm still an outsider looking in, and to be honest I think that's for the best. One of the reasons I started my own business was to not have to deal with workplace dramas. Yet, it has been full of it these past months. And I find it a bit sticky and quite uncomfortable.

We all come from different paths of experiences, and I do try my best, from my experience, to not judge people for how they now and then behave - apart from when animal cruelty and other violence is involved, then naturally I'm both judge and jury all the way - even when I initially feel very hurt by it. There's probably more than meets the eye.

Still, an unexpected let down by a team member isn't a nice thing at all. Whether the reason was stress or otherwise, the trust has been seriously chipped. But when someone goes low, I try to rise above it. Not an easy thing always, especially not when you feel like a pawn, a hostage in a situation out of your control. But I find that the best thing is to not blurt out any harsh words immediately, words that can't be taken back. Write by all means, but sleep on it. And mull it over back and forth.

What I've also learnt from all of this, this week in particular, is that I possibly need to chill a bit. In the most intellectual zen sense of the word. It's interesting how every setback, every drama turns into another important life lesson, it's never the hassle free rides and successes that make you into a better, wiser person.

When younger I was much more inclined to see things as either black or white, not in all shades of grey that most things are painted in. That has changed with age, and a certain portion of wisdom acquired. But I'm also aware that I'm not really interested in being involved in basically other people's drama, not having all the information needed to base my own opinion, but desperately trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together from the odd word here and there. Being an unwilling mind reader is also one of my new skills apparently.

As I can't be relying on other people to get to the point where they sort the/ir mess out, neither from an emotional, professional nor financial point of view, I've put other professional wheels in motion. It's never good to put all your vegan eggs in one basket. So on Monday I'm going to a job interview. Yes an actual job interview. It's part time, but still, a job. A new position as communicator in a company with a very high sustainability profile, where my background as a lawyer is perfect. Sounds great on paper. I do hope it will be irl too. Fingers crossed we click.

I've also shamelessly offered my services to another company/organisation that I've only recently come to be completely smittened, impressed and inspired by. Such an amazing why story. Everything we do set things in motion, it may not be exactly the things we expect, but nevertheless I believe it's important to be active and open, never settle or just wait for others to get their things together. Maybe they do, maybe things will work out alright, but wait only, never.

Add to that the distinct feeling of being an odd figurehead and pawn with no information and influence, not to mention not really getting credit for all the work done. And here we are. Who knows what will happen next, what's meant to be will be. And that's the amazing as well as annoying thing with life, you can plan as much as you want, you can't control everything anyway. Life happens as life is meant to. However ungraspable and meaningless it seems at times.

As for music I'm still in love with Haevn, looking forward to their first album to be released in March, and Where the Heart is is now very much my new theme song. Both wistful, soothing and empowering. Listening to it I know everything will be alright.

I've also had a lot of enjoyment from the TV-series Younger, currently streaming on TV here. Smart, funny and relatable.

So conclusions from the week that was -

- A reminder that things are rarely black and white. More greys, pinks and sometimes there are even unicorns.
- One might think that men are more straight forward and problem solving, than they in fact are. It's probably good to get those reminders that gender stereotyping isn't very nice. But I have to say, it would have indeed been very nice to have seen a lot more straight talking and problem solving these past few months, from those who (ought to have been) in control of situation.
- I need to curb both my enthusiasm and disappointment a dash. But all the emotions from highs to lows are the prize you pay AND reward you get for having a passionate nature.
- The best way to not dwell too much on disappointments and nuisances out of your control is to keep busy with things that are within your control.
- When you have impromptu fika it can end in seeing something truly magical - an Eurasian Eagle Owl perched on a high building in the middle of Stockholm. None of us had the big gals' cameras with us, and when it comes to that kind of photography an iPhone is just a poor poor substitute. But trust me, it was an amazingly, heartwarming experience shared with a few die hard bird watchers with supersized cameras and binoculars on a backstreet a chilly January Friday. Such a perfect and beautiful way to end the week of both highs and lows.

Welcome February,
you know I expect greatness from you,
please do your best. And I'll do my mine.

the meaning of 55

The major thing I've learnt this past week is that I am not willing to dance to the tune of clients that don't respect me, my skills, my time and only show appreciation when someone, I'd imagine, remind them they should. Too little, too late. To be honest my initial ship of great interest and passion sailed a couple of months ago.

What has driven me since has merely been the fact that I'm adamant to learn as much as possible and doing a great job. And not let anyone down, if I can help it. Now I'm just doing what I signed up for, being professional enough to hand over my part of the project in a fine shape for whomever will take over once my time in it reaches the end. Which will be by the end of February, can't wait. I'm just eager to start something new and exciting, whatever that may be.

Which is something I wish I didn't have to say, because project in question had every sign of being brilliant. And in this case my particular skill set is like a match made in colourful heaven for the job. Which isn't always the case, most of the time you may be a grand asset, but you can also be replaced with no great fuss. I'm curious how they'll sort this out, but I've also, finally, reached the detached phase and it isn't my problem anymore. I've done my part, and I have been angry, frustrated and sad half of the time.

Learnt loads, met fascinating people, had great fun, but at the end of the day, being appreciated, valued, respected and reasonably (not under-) paid are such important aspects too. And those aspects have not been met. Too late for that now. Moving on. Grateful for another important life lesson in the luggage. I would not have wanted to been without it. Because of the good good people also involved, the laughters, the sharing, the team and everything I've accomplished by challenging myself. But enough now.

The teamwork, when it was smooth operating, has been the thing I've treasured most and will miss dearly. But I do hope we'll work together with other projects in the future, with clients that appreciate hard work and know how to communicate.

It may not be a case of serfdom but close enough.

As a self-supporting, independent human being I obviously need to look after myself first and foremost, leaky roof or not. We all have to pay bills and put food on the table, run our own businesses without getting caught up in internal strifes that are not ours to deal with. Etc and so forth. Being happy and proud of our accomplishments, feeling appreciated. Communication, presence, authenticity. You know, the very basic needs in life.

I'm not sure what will happen from now on, professionally, yet. But I do know exactly what I want, which feels a bit a matter of fact strange actually. I won't divulge it in blog, I've only told a few trusted people including talking out loud to myself and the Universe. Yes, for some reason, things do become clearer and easier to sort out when you say things out loud, even when the (obvious) only one that hears it is yourself. I think I grasped how cathartic, inspiring, and emotional even, that is through the grief recovery process. And the Universe is listening, in some way or other. Things and people happen for a reason.

Which brings me to the meaning of 55.

You may remember I've attended a few seances the past 1,5 years. Of which two have been really very touching, the one in January last year quite mindblowing really. And again, completely anonymous and I'm not gullable. One of the written messages I got was the number 55. A number that has never had any special meaning to me, at that time, no year of birth, no age, no lucky number. There are still some messages that I have no idea what they mean, yet. And I may never know. But most of them have been revealed in some really surprising and unexpected ways during this past year. They have helped me to trust the process in a new way. Just when I needed it.

On July 27 2017 I had a brief text message discussion with a friend about the meaning of messages in general and numbers in particular. I was waiting in line at a cafe at the time and when it was my time to order I got number 55. (I remember the date because I took the picture above as a proof.) Which then obviously made me giggle a bit, nothing more.

But ever since it has been rather crazy, the amount of times the number 55 appears out of the blue. And it has intensified the last month, to an extent I now find to be somewhat disturbing. Walking down the street, suddenly I stand in front of doorway 55. How many things cost 55 SEK? In my life a lot of things apparently. How often do you look at the iPhone clock and it's 1.55, 2.55, 3.55, 5.55 ad infinitum? Obviously all the time.

How often do you wake up in the middle of the night, wondering what's the time and it's always .55 something? How often do you stand at traffic lights and the bus number 55 drives past? How many books and magazines do you open and it's at page 55? 55 view, 55 likes, 55 clicks, que tickets number 55, 55%. If I wasn't a reasonably sane and grounded person - but still open to the fact that there's so much more to life that meets the eye, dimensions our mostly limited and not fully used brains can grasp - I would probably feel somewhat haunted.

But, coincidences, life's little messages to say we are not alone. That I find to be a comforting notion.

And now I'm ready, more than ready, for the next phase in my life to begin. It's intriguing, exciting and a mystery waiting to be revealed. Bring it on, 2018. Where the Heart is.

communication, communication, communication

Communication. Presence. Authenticity. Three keywords essential to any relationship, be it work, friendship, love.

Something I've come to realise even more during this year, and things I've missed so many times before in life without realising and being able to put my finger on the feeling.

You know, the scary stuff, the awkward questions people hesitate to ask, the answers they are afraid of. I've decided I'm going to enter 2018 less afraid of things, I'm going to dare more. And not apologize for how I feel. Or act. Not that I'm timourous as such now of course, but sometimes I get the whiff of that useless impostor syndrome or I just feel 'it's not my place to put my foot down and demand at this time' - realising later down the line that's just what I should have done.

And as I wrote in the pre-Christmas post, I had a serious lack of trust in The Project and would spend the weekend with a good think about how to proceed, in order to be true to myself, hopefully without letting anyone down. And so I did. Neither sleeping, reading or laughing but thinking. A lot.

On Boxing day everything poured out of me on three pages. Of which a tiny portion was this passage - "Applaud that you’re able to detach yourselves from the mess ---- . I’m however not as lucky, partly because that’s my personality (I engage strongly, I need things to be professional, less mollycoddling, more straight talk and visible progress)... That’s one reason why I need change to feel this project is still meaningful."

I should have spoken more clearly earlier on, or perhaps I thought I did. Maybe I shouted "wolf" so repeatedly that noone listened anymore. I'm still not sure about the understanding of everything I mentioned actually. It was A LOT of text to swallow and concider (current situation, issues, my personal viewpoints, solutions/suggestions). Which I personally think is important to avoid misunderstandings as much as possible, short and sweet has its times, long explanations have theirs. Clear communication, communication, communication. I'm not interested in playing guessing games, in neither parts of my life. Or being the one constantly pointing out real problems, with no mandate to fixing them myself. I don't want to be Ms Grump-a-much.

But I know changes are underway now. Changes which will most likely hold less talk, more action. Well overdue but a pretty darn good way to kick start a shiny new year.

Let's leave this situation for now. And talk a bit about a new client I'll start working with in January - where there has also been a bit of communication issues, but nothing nearly as grave as the passion project above, more of the oddly entertaining kind - who said when I mentioned my hourly fee "which also depends on the length and width of project" that "let's not argue this, it's important that you're content and motivated, let's start and see how we work together and take things from there". And I can safely say that's just the matter of fact, healthy approach I do wish more work related situations could be dealt with.

Needless to say I'm very motivated. Not only from a financial aspect of course, it's a very interesting client and it'll be great fun to learn more about their business, the objective, the people and helping them with their social media presence. And the first new client on a new year is always special, setting the tone of the rest of the year one might say.

I've also put in a lot of hours in the coaching project already. In fact I might have accidently found a job, not a traineeship, for one of my participants (a clever hardware development engineer) already. Fingers crossed for her interview in a week. And it warms the heart when someone says "Thank you Pia, you are jette snääääälllll" (werry kiiiiinddddd). The warm and fuzzy feeling.



Which was also the feeling I got when I did a stand in as dog sitter last night. I'm adding "Catwoman with serious dog whisperer skills" to my CV. My heart is melting by all that cute overload. Yes, the felines are darling but I miss having a special dog too.



As I've written a fair amount about music that makes my heart sing lately, I'll end this post by doing so again. Yes, I'm absolutely smittened by Dutch band Haevn - "Where the Heart Is" still being the ultimate favourite of course - have listened to them all weekend on repeat, on Spotify, on the computer, on the iPhone, on YouTube and best of all on TV. I mean, whatever did we do before Apple TV and wide screen TVs - its like having a decent concert experience in your own living room without having to deal with people and their noise. Pause and get another cup of tea. Repeat. Pure brilliance.

As you can see the cats are mesmerized by the tunes too. (Of course it has nothing to do with the birds flying over the screen in the video.)



I adore this cover of "Fastlane" too, the voice, the energy, the music, the fun they seem to have and not least that fabulous guitar riff (that makes me seriously thinking about picking up my guitar again all these years later). Overall they're not only wonderful on original tunes, but also on various covers like Adele's "Hello" (which happens to have meant a lot to me this past year, brought me to many tears).



And please listen to this version of A-ha's "Take on me" with Kygo. It makes me happy. Loved the song in my teens - and haven't we all had a crush on Morten? - it has aged well. And so have the band members. Yet another proof that age is just a silly number. And a mindset. 

Which happens to be another thing I'm taking with me into the new year, agelessness and a firm belief it's much more important to live, laugh and love life than worry about a silly number that's basically only visible on your identity card and (fugly) passport. It doesn't say a thing about who you really are. In fact I think I'm gonna cancel birthdays from here on.

Happy New 2018 - 
may it bring an abundance of 
prosperity, love, laughter and kindness.

hello december

Kränku tea advent calendar of 2017 - whatever did you do all through December before you found this brilliance?

Feels like pretty much every month this year calls for a "gosh, really gosh, where did the month go??". December first is no exception. I mean, only a few shivering weeks left of this year, how did that happened? How is it even physically possible?

After 2016 being one of my life's worst years, 2017 turned out to have been one of my best. Not without struggles, roadbumps and backlashes, since life isn't meant to be that way. But all and all, a year full of amazing insights and personal growth, great jobs, fantastic people - my tribe! - conversations, laughters. If last year was more about tears than laughter, taking a day at a time, surviving, this year has been more about laughter than tears. Momentum and moving forward. Pieces of the puzzle falling in to place in seemingly serendipitous ways. The best kind of way.

And there's still one lovely month left, if you can see past the glaring consumerism, people's silly self-imposed stress, gluttony and food waste of December, it's a pretty cosy month. When you can light lots of candles, listen to Christmassy music, drink copious amounts of tea and the odd glühwein, eat vegan lussebullar - just realised I haven't posted the vegan recipe of them yet, but it's very similar to this old one, just omit the quark, dairy and egg and use oat milk instead - and just be.

Admittedly the lack of daylight and sun these past few weeks - with global warming there's less snow and with that darker days - with it getting dark at 1 pm already (I kid you not) have turned me into a semi-zombie state. And it's pretty awful. There's only as much as vitamin D supplements and an overall healthy lifestyle can do to beat that. I basically fall asleep in the sofa in front of the TV every evening, completely tied down by a gazillion cats who think I'm the best human heater in the whole wide world. And I'm so darn cold all the time, because even if it's not very low winter temperatures these days (around +/-0 C) there's some crazy clammy nastiness indoors that not even the heat pump can completely beat. I bundle up like the Michelin man and try keeping busy. Dancing helps too.

On the topic of music I've been listening a lot to Cock Robin lately. Had forgot how much I adored them in my late teens. Looking at the videos is quite embarrassing, incomprehensible and daft like videos from the 80-90ies were. Were they even cool back then? And then there's the fashion, the hair styles. Oh dear. But the tunes have aged well I think. The singer's voice is still amazing, the sense of melancholy and sense of urgency is irresistable (even if he looks like he's going to wet his pants any minute. Watch this video for proof of that.) But as a thumb rule, you should never ever watch videos from the 80ies because they always completely destroy the magic of the music.

As it is December I thought I'd make a little summary of how many of the personal and professional goals I did reach this year. On the personal, merely two, but at least the best two. The skin condition and the new recipe every week. The skin condition, which is not back to normal but still so much better. Stress and worry are most probably a big reason behind it all, and with working a lot with that this year it has at least improved conciderably. Also I believe all that sun bathing past summer played a part of improvement. Plus possibly the recent addition of the Dermalogica Ultracalming serum to my skin regime.

And the try new recipes, well I have the vegan food ambassador gig to thank for that of course. Who knew such a thing would appear late in the year and help me with a personal goal? And the three personal goals I haven't ticked, they have been replaced with other things instead. The grief recovery process trumps everything, it has been worth its weight in many chests of gold.

As far as professional goals are concerned I'm happy to report that I've ticked them all. I may not "commute to work every day", but some days I "commute" so much more instead.

Looking forward to setting meaningful goals for next year. It will be fun. Especially when you see great results from previous year.

Last but not least, when someone you haven't known for a long time seems to know you a little bit better than you know yourself. And by that also pushes you outside your comfort zone. How do you react? Of course there isn't one easy for all answer to that. As it falls in the category of pink vegan meringues - which I've come to think of as an analogy for how much humans complicate things - my reaction now is a whirlwind of emotions, bewilderment being one of them. I don't know how it even is possible, as I don't concider myself an open book. Surely not, not even if you read this blog. Nah, obviously I'm an enigma wrapped in a mystery caught in a riddle.

Yet the fact that someone has managed to decipher me, challenge me, unlock things that have apparently been dormant, it does make perfect sense. It has after all been a year of constant revelations. And as one of my best decisions of 2017 has been to trust the process, I'm doing that in this case too. It's not easy to stop being my impatient self, but it is quite liberating. And as I did make a promise to myself last year, one that I'm not about to break, something I have only told one person, it's easier to be patient, intuitive, curious and a dash pious.

It is after all my Latin derived name. Not a name in accord with my personality, but that makes it just a little more... entertaining and easier to emotionally deal with meringue-wise. Which is more... interesting than being boring. Since it's equally important to be both serious and fun, to grow, but I refuse to be boring. Both on the personal and professional arena.

Welcome, dear December, please be as awesome and amazing as you possibly can be.

start a fire

Rounded off a great, inspiring and (as an intro/ambivert) exhausting week with a cinema visit. Something I rarely do anymore, partly because to be honest I think movies are best watched in the comfort of your own sofa. Where you can pause, drink as much tea as you want, have pee breaks and not having to deal with uncomfortable chairs and people. Partly because there are very few new movies I find interesting enough must watchs for a hefty movie ticket price.

That said, I really enjoyed this movie. Despite not being a fan of the musical genre one of my favourite movies are 'Singing in the Rain' and 'La La Land' is the modern version of it. Granted I was a bit distracted by my own thought processes in the beginning of the movie but was soon immersed in the magic of colours (oh the dresses!), music, humour, dreams, love, life and drama. Emma Stone was simply brilliant, a well deserving Oscar winner obviously. The 'I Ran' scene is one of my favourites, her facial expression says it all, sweet revenge.



The melancholy of the 'City of Stars' tune is beautiful. And when I heard 'Start a Fire' with John Legend it was difficult to not jump up and dance. Promptly new favourite to living room dance to (in void of starry summer skies). I dare you to sit still.



Despite the ending being of the very wistful kind I'm not sure it would have been an overall better movie had it had a happy overly sweet Hollywoood ending. That said though, I believe that people whose paths cross that much are meant to be together. Yes, I know it's only a movie, but these things happen in real life too. It actually happened to my parents. I love that story. And one might say I'm the living proof and fruit of serendipity - perhaps that's why it's my favourite English word?

The upcoming week promises to be even more hectic. I'm not complaining. I adore and am deeply grateful for how so many things seem to fall into place this year, especially this autumn. But now and then my brain would appreciate a bit of slowness to adjust and accept. Then again I know that some weeks are conciderably slower than others and then I'm impatient and a bit peeved.

I've also become one of those daft people who look forward to the weekend. Ever since I started my own business I've felt like pretty much every day is like a weekend because I own my days. But this past year I've come to relish my weekends, or specifically my caturdays. For brain rest and oxytocin galore. Because as a general rule, no calls or demands.

But my basic notion is that it's such a precious thing, owning your days. I decide when, where and with what I work. And mostly I don't have to be available on specific times, if we haven't agreed on that beforehand. If I decide to have a day off in the middle of the usual work week I can. Because I'm my own boss. Which is gold, with a capital G. And whatever did we do before the smartphones?

As much as most of us, from time to time, are guilty of routine surfing and obsessingly checking updates for the dreaded FOMO (fear of missing out), I also believe it has brought so much freedom when it comes to remote work, freelancing, running your own business. Even if we also have to be aware of our own behaviours when it comes to living authentically, being present, the smartphone and the internetz in all its glory can never ever outdo the magic that comes from real life meeting with people and fellow beings.

Remember I wrote about the struggle of grey hair I don't care? I actually don't think a lot about that greyness these day (hooray, on the path of progress, a year older and wiser). What I've come to be annoyed about though, is that I feel that despite my new routine of weekly hairpaks the end bits of my hair begun to look worn. So I decided to cut it myself. A clean cut of 5 centimetres. And now I feel like it's about 20 cm shorter, and I will have to start the growing process all over again. Ridiculous, but never the less true for me. Oh the importance of hair.

On another lighter note of luxuary problems, I briefly contemplated getting a pair of new shoes. And for those who know me, you do know of my deep fondness for a special kind of shoes (El Naturalista and ART all the way, baby). But these days shoe shopping isn't without complications. Because of I no longer want to be part of consumerism, LOHAS is the thing. Always. And hand on heart, do I need another pair of shoes right now? Plus, do my best this days to stay away from new leather shoes, if it isn't recycled or non animal derived. So I decided against it.

Then I thought about how the things I want most passionately now are things money can't buy. And also felt that money can be much better spent than on shoes one isn't in desperate need of. Which would not have been a thought I'd much entertained a few years ago. Then I'd simply gone and treated myself. All these seemingy little, insignificant things that show progress. Can I choose not to buy a pair of coveted shoes, I can do anything. And so can you.

free me

Free by Francesca Blanchard is currently my absolute favourite tune. I adore the mood, her voice, the simplicity of the text that manages to convey so much emotions - and that she's fresh, natural and actually fully, simply dressed. So incredibly tired of the fact that too many great female voices and the music industry seem to think that the three letter word and skimpy dressed is the only thing that goes, that sells. So so outdated. - and since it isn't something to dance too I actually sing along until my voice is hoarse.

And I'm even more grateful for the fact that noone, but the cats in pure state of shock, can hear that. Remember that scene with Julia Roberts in the bath in "Pretty woman" singing (well, sounding is more like it) with earphones on? That's pretty much me times 10. But given I practise a lot on this every day these days, perhaps I'll get better. Kind of. (No, not really.)

Unless it's a super catchy dance tune the lyrics have always been really important to me. It's quite amazing that you can always find those special tunes that just speak to your heart and mind, wouldn't you agree? So currently I listen to a melancholy, emotional Spotify list of old and new songs on repeat. Not that I feel melancholy as such, but it's a really good list for thinking and trying to figure things out. Yes, good thinking music.

My top 5 + 1 tunes for this thinking business right now are -



Just for now - Imogen Heap
Let go - Frou Frou - 'cause there is beauty in the break down, what a lovely sentiment...
Look after you - Aron Wright - wait for the very last sentence...
Waiting - Aquilo
Heartbeats - Aron Wright

And the funny thing is that sometimes I'm just so delightfully clueless. I thought it was amazing how I was suddenly suggested really old tunes from my teens, twenties by Spotify, because they are apparently similiar to the ones I listen to now. Songs and bands I had actually forgotten I'd listen too, but that seem so very familiar to hear again. Oh internetz and your algorithms, you just keep playing your suggestive tricks, don't you? As well as reminding me of the fact that my taste in music haven't changed all that much in a few decades, just being a bit updated to the 21st century.

NB I wasn't a melancholy teen or 20 something, but these kind of tunes just strike something in me now and then. The always close to Weltschmerz part of me secretly rejoice perhaps. Be as that may, good for thinking dreamy music it is here and now.

Then I took a day off in the middle of the week, because as a sole business owner you need to have those days. To think about where you are, where you're going, what you want and not, what's working and not. Setting a path, at the same time as you're open to unexpected possibilites that might happen that will excite and delight you. Walked for hours, had a lovely lunch, took a gazillion pictures, felt so grateful for being where I am in life, here and now, in one of the most beautiful cities in the world, in the country I call home. Which, for all its flaws, by comparison is rather decent.

I also came to the conclusion that I am on the right track, where I want to be. Despite it's flaws, and lack of strategy and progress in parts, I'm so happy to have crossed paths with my tribe of awesomeness. And for that I'm of course willing to put the time and energy into turning this project on the right track of greatness.

Then I was contacted by a recruiter for a full-time 1 year gig. And as flattering as that might be it also gave me the chills of unpleasentness. Because the idea of full-time in an office with no flexibility and being restricted still give me the creeps. It's simply not the best and most productive way to use my skills, nor something I'd be happy with. Plus I don't have the time for a single full-time gig. So I declined. With just those reasons. Free spirit me talking firmly.

I must not loose my objective. Nor my path of doing what I love, the variety and mix of gigs is bliss, as is constant learning and growth. If I didn't have that I would be miserable. And that's no way to live. I'm still not rich in money - getting there, one little step at a time, despite the nuisance of leaky roof - but I'm so rich in experiences. And that's truly something to be grateful and happy about.

The week ended with some unexpected news, which I admittedly had secretly hoped for, something I'm possibly a tad more jazzed about than I should be. But who cares, it's a sweet feeling and it's my very own. When life, things are complicated and not as straightforward as most of us prefer, it's essential to make the most of those jazzy moments. Worry less, enjoy more. And listen to music that make you think. And dream.

even in a world with pink, vegan meringues life is still complicated

Sometimes I miss those early days blogging, when very few friends knew about the blog and I most definitely never mentioned it in work related situations. Even if I've always been very careful and neutral about whom I mention or write about - 

never ever any names and the rule is as always "If I don't want certain people to see or read this I don't publish it". Simple as that. -

I still have a distinct feeling I was more free in my blog writing a few years ago.

The vast majority of my blog readers come from the US - which I find curiously interesting, hello there! - and that's fine and lovely. Other countries, equally lovely. It's when it gets too close to home for comfort I get a bit taken aback. When it suddenly dawns that hey, those colleagues and friends of M - if any of you guys still reads, hello to you too -, those work related people and followers actually do pop in and read. Then I realise I'm not really comfortable to write quite as freely as I used to. Even if I've never been really private I've always been personal and sometimes that feels pretty awkward now too.

And admittedly it's basically my own fault, maybe I shouldn't have mentioned my blog quite as openly to people. And I probably shouldn't have added it to my LinkedIn profile. Or published some posts on Twitter. Used it as my text portfolio. Really, silly me.

On the one hand this ties my hands in writing, on the other hand (the none tied one) it forces me to develop my writing in a new direction. Which will never be completely new since I find that keeping it personal is always the best way to keep it. Still, I'm keeping a fair bit of my emotional life off blog these days. Since I would be really sad if what I would like to write about now in any aspect would affect my professional life in a negative way. It may be silly, it may be true, it may be instinct, it may be over-analyzing. All despite the fact that my gut feeling says yes. My heart says yes, but my head, my practical head says no.

And no matter how much I've come to trust the gut and no matter how much I've grown this last year, this is a hurdle I'm not willing to deal with. I don't even know how. And certainly not in blog.

See, even in a world where something as delightful as pink, vegan meringues exist life continues to be complicated. Or at least us humans complicate things. Especially where emotions are involved.

So to not complicate things further - I will talk this through with a trusted friend tomorrow instead - I will now write a bit about the fact that my poor leaky roof got an emergency fix last week. It was a huge crack straight across the roof, the roofer said he had never seen anything like it and I saw the picture proof. Things will hopefully keep over winter now, but the roof needs complete replacement come spring and the cost for that is a crazy one. Depending on how extensive work that needs doing, but still hello hefty price.

But I have dealt with so much issues this past 1,5 years so of course I will find a solution to this too. For now I'm just grateful I can't hear that sound of drip drip drip anymore.

So, how about some fabulously inspiring vegan dishes in next post? - yes, I thoroughly enjoy my new role as food inspirer/food ambassador. Haven't cooked so many meals in years, tea and sandwiches or porridge is usually fine for dinner en mi casa, now it's hello wonderful flavours and textures galore! 

Or some colourful outfits - haven't done that in a long long time, but as someone kindly asked for that, who am I to say no?

Both most certainly light hearted, non complicated topics. Life is made of that too. Much like sweet pink, vegan meringues.

the shining light

I'm afraid I've turned into one of those awful persons that is some kind of positivity beacon, in a sometimes very bleak world. But to be honest it can't be helped, because life right now feels pretty amazing. And as the recent quote "Take responsability for the energy you put out into the world", really stroke a cord in me I'm taking that quite literally.

And while I'm far from a Facebook fan (to but it very mildly, I'd rather use a four letter word here, but let's keep a civil tone) and basically use it for sharing articles about environmental issues, animal rights, feminism and equality plus cute animal videos and never anything really personal. Sharing personal stuff I mostly do face to face, texts or in emails. But guess what, as this past week has been even more of an emotional whirlwind than the one before that, not all without hurdles and stress but overall so awesome, I've posted several updates of unexpected things, conversation and random meetings that has touched me and made me go all warm and fuzzy.

Here goes - I apologize in advance because this might be quite sickly sweet to read, but I'm just amazed, happy and ever so grateful to experience this. Pure magic as far as I'm concerned. And if you who've said and done this happen to read this, thanks again. Gold. -

I've never had a great need of confirmation, a simple thank you as a sign of appreciation will usually do. Even if it's nice to get a little praise now and then. But to actually work with people that not only says thanks regularly but also, you're brilliant, such a star, magic lady, you're fantastic, you're in charge and so forth that's certainly different. And pretty darn lovely. It does make you work even harder to outperform yourself. Or just being yourself with extra oomf.

And it also is an eye opener, because I've come to realise that I've actually been professionally under stimulated for a very long time, with bursts of joy for various projects, but nothing like this. And that I've in parts settled to be happy enough and grateful for those bursts. While I in fact want it all, but haven't been able to find the right context, the right people.

But, lo and behold, I do believe I have now. And not that I want to overuse the word gratitude, but, well... It's nothing short than miraculous that we've clicked so incredibly well in such a short (and incredibly intense) time, compliment eachother so well. Working hard towards a common goal, a colourful (literally) environmental case of David vs Goliath. The raw energy in this teamwork is simply gold worth.

I'm thinking a lot about if you say or write things for the world to see and hear, what you want, and need, they will come (and it doesn't have to be a baseball court). Law of attraction. Things happen when they are meant to. Meetings too. Synchronicity is real. (But I still prefer the synonym serendipity.) And as I think I've touched upon before, most of us live too busy and stressed lives and aren't open enough to actually see how real this is.

And it's only through really devastating things we begin to see things and life for what it really is, can be, should be. And that's magic. We create our own magic, if we are open enough.

This by no means mean that life not will continue to be rough, full of bumps and heartaches, from here on now and then. That's just life. But if we know that magic, the truly good stuff and people, exist too, it's easier to cope and get through. When the going gets tough, the strong get growing.

Back to my amazing week, as I wrote in the last post I wasn't sure if a content project I accepted would be worth it financially vs time put in. I'm still not. But I'm surprised at how great it was to work with a finicky editor. My main flaw in the feedback was that I'm writing in too dry a style, not enough warmth and humour - clearly we're not talking about my blog here. 

But yes, I know, one of the articles was on such a dry and un-engaging topic, that little lawyer I jumped in and wrote for dear life. But overall, great and not least useful feedback. And as he said, things can be worse than writing in too dry a style, too many writers write in a sloppy, trivial way and obviously can't spell. And that's clearly so much worse than being a dry lawyer at heart.

Next up on the list of heartwarming, little things that happened during the week that was;

I was waiting for the train at the station when a stranger walked up to me (an older gentleman) and said "I just want to say that not many people measure up to you." It was so incredibly touching. I guess it was because of my always colourful outfit. But whatever reason, such a darling thing to do! Shared on Facebook, and I have to say, the concurring compliments keep coming. People  can be so sweet. Love and kindness is in the air.

Dare to compliment. It doesn't cost a thing, but a bit of courage. And it can make someone's day.

And then by the end of the week it was time for the first big meeting with client in the above mentioned passion  project. I was both looking forward to and dreading it a bit, because of hurdles regarding trust. I expected some tough talks on said issue, things that needed to change and future strategy. 

But you know what, it was a brilliant day. Powerful, inspiring, productive and fun. With some people I hadn't met before - remote work only - yet it felt like the most natural thing to finally meet. And I was told by the client that I go by the nick name 'Magic Pia' - I mean, seriously, how lovely is that?! And who knew that something I was part of 13 years ago, another tough time in my life, would cross roads with this work today...

It's a great artisan eco-paint company, truly amazing, high quality product and why story. They deserve every success and the world desperately need their products. I'm just blessed to be working with them, and not least our fantastic little marketing team of three. Fun bit is that the CEO was so inspired by the bobbaloos and Sonny Angels that most always appear when food appears before me, that he wanted them in their product pictures too. Clearly he's a man of impeccable taste. So perhaps that will be a new trend from here on.

Then on Friday evening I got a text from the sales director - who's a really fabulous woman with some unexpected features I learnt about when we drove to lunch, features that made us click even more - saying "I'm completely in love with all your pictures on Instagram! Oh you are so great, have an awesome weekend! Hugs" - you can see how it's not a mystery that I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy after this week, right? That special feeling is all around. And I'm simply incredibly grateful (sorry) happy about it all. 

I think the grief recovery process started a really serious shift in thinking for me. Opened up channels I was only vaguely aware of before that. I will not say the G-word again, but really...

Dearest October, do continue to be this amazing,
I love you something extra special for it this year.