Saturday, April 12, 2008

Toss And Turn Can't Sleep At Night

It's a regularly thing, when I'm on the verge of falling asleep, or when I can't seem to go to sleep at all but just toss and turn, or for that matter, when I wake up in the middle of the night and have one of those eureka-moments-of-what-to-write - I know just what to write about, work or blog or otherwise. Since I like to keep it spontaneous - i e I'm not all that organized when it comes to keeping a tidy bedroom environment including a writing pad plus pencil on the night table - I most often think I'll save that thought and wording inside my head until morning comes.

Needless to say, despite my extraordinary memory skills, I rarely manage to hold on to those thoughts. Yes sometimes I do, sometimes I get the very same thoughts swirling around in my head compartments on another toss-and-turn-kind-of-night, so very obviously they want to be put to paper. I again boldly recline the opportunity this offers to write it down. Mental notes are as good as any.

But in the morning the memory deficit is a fact once more. I comfort myself with the notion that if I had remembered all those ideas, stories, whims the world wouldn't be enough, and many of them are probably best left unwritten. I'm sure the best ones will return at a more appropriate time.

Alas, most of my thoughts nowadays revolves around The Course. And for almost every single day there's a new factor added to the already quite substantial list of discontentment. I really very much hate - yes, that's the right word - when one has to in deal with this kind of unprofessional implementation, those times when what's written in paper and said by mouth just isn't corresponding with reality.

Of course, I do know that things, people, situations, now and then really isn't what they seem to be, that's fine, as long as I can chose not to be a part of it, have my saying or when possible make a change. Which I very much, the hard way, realised I couldn't at my former workplace from hell. In the end I crash landed. And when I step by tiny step recovered from that bumpy ride and anything else than smooth landing I also made a firm promise to myself I would never ever find myself in that situation again. At least not for any longer period of time. The bitching and whining and bellyaching and finally finding myself being completely stressed out, since no matter what I said or did made a difference.

Right now I've been bellyaching with my course mates and the lecturers, I've been - nicely, calmly yet firmly - complaining to the organizer, and I've been downright bitching and whining by friends, family and blog. Since so far that hasn't done a lot of good, just calmed me down momentarily, I find myself thinking all those negative thoughts I very much want to stay away from - I want to save them for the really world turning things that matters - and getting those oh-to-wellknown aches and pains in my shoulders and neck, as well as either sleeping a whole lot of nothing or too much.

As one of my course mates put it, after we had our latest piece of bad news concerning this course, when you invest your time and energy into an all consuming project like this (which as an idea and on paper shows so much promise) you also miss out on a lot of other alternatives. We're not 20, we don't have all the time in the world. Well, no one has, things can drop from the sky tomorrow, but you get the drift.

Since starting with this course I've sort of felt I've rekindled with some of my deep-down-kind-of-lost qualities as well as reliving some things and feelings I really want to avoid when it comes to long-term projects. Having all these mixed feelings, ups and downs, stress, aches, concentrations difficulties, doubts and more doubts, I'm not at all sure this is the right course for me.

The very varied subjects we supposedly are to learn and know and make use of in our bright, new profession which will be a piece of cake to get a hold of after finished course theoretically means we could be looking at 24-7 working hours and a ridiculously high salary. It's simply not a bit realistic, any of these parameters. I know I felt silly positive when I began this course, or at least rather optimistic, being a sort of realistic pessimoptimistic. Right now I feel mostly blah. I consider this to be probably just another stupid, costly - money, time, energy, life - employment market arrangement, just to keep us measly, workless, troublesome academics in line and out of the way.

Or perhaps it's just me having a bit of down period, maybe I shouldn't blame the course, maybe I could blame the moody weather, the morning breath rush hour people, the faulty public transportation system, the stupids, the early birds, the anything but me not knowing what I want - but I do, I hope, I think, I'm just to scared to take the plunge. Me not being together enough to just do, say, require, be.

I hope this will be a good week. I promise myself to be more me. And perhaps even surprise myself. That would be nice. Threesome. Be. More. Me.

2 comments:

Heather said...

I'm not going to say "cheer up!" because I think we all have times when we just want to grumble and feel a little lost, put out, put upon and just yuck. How would we ever know we are having a great day if we never have really bad ones? I am truly brilliant at conveying bad moods.

I never know if I ever want what I'm in the middle of trying to accomplish, but here I am. What I really want to do is be rich, sit on my fanny, eat great food, write nonsense that no one cares about and have free time to cook. I'll fill my house with dogs, watch old movies and drink wine!

In the meantime, I have to make some money in a way that isn't pure torture (even if I don't love it) and fake my way through knowing exactly what I'm doing in any facet of my life even though I'm clueless.

I know there's some chocolate squares on the counter when I get home, at least. If we can all just make it through the day...

(well, that and the fact that I picked some things up for you this weekend!)

Pia K said...

Lovely comment, I totally agree that if we never feel down and weary we wouldn't really know when we're having a great day. That what keeps me going those very less than brilliant days, things will get better.

I can live with being clueless about many a thing, but I really very much want more than just making it through the day, it doesn't have to be anything spectacular every single day, just something little that makes me all warm and fuzzy in its simplicity.

And I can't stand stupidity like this course offers too much of! When I've sort this thing out I'll be more focused on the goodiebagging:)

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