But even if it has been a time of both darkness, heartache, pain, doubt, anger, sadness, frustration, it has also been something that in the end has left me with a lot of good, a whole lot of good I really wouldn't want to be without. At all. A better insight in who I really am, what makes me tick, which my passions are - rediscovering old ones as well as getting new ones - and what my motives are for doing things the way I do, or did, them.
An acquaintance once said that even if all this talking is hard work it's most probably something most of us should do, but don't. Perhaps by going things over like this we don't figure out ourselves completely before we die, but at least a whole lot more than most others... Back then I just sort of nodded in empathetic agreement. Little did I know.
Now I know better, perhaps not always best, but at least a whole lot better. I see things, and in very many ways act, react, differently in certain situations. I've resumed my inner me, that somehow got lost along the way (I'm not exactly sure when, but I do know exactly where). Now I always carry with me a little content, at ease, relaxed miniature me inside, not very bothered about the world outside if I don't allow myself to be.
Yes, there's a serenity in me I don't think I possessed before, or at least hadn't for years. Mindfullness really is a very lovely thing, oh yes it does demand a whole lot of work, at first, and you're bound to slip and fall now and very again - if you're not a superhuman and if you are I guess you don't see any use of it - but those days, those times you actually manage to live in the here and now, stop analyzing every little thing that happens, every possible reason for people doing this, doing that, not doing this, not acting like that, they are truly very wonderful.
I hope and believe I've found a better me, a more complete me, a more sentient me. In so many ways a stronger me, in others weaker. But not weak in a poor way, just more aware of my own emotions, my own limitations, motives - being me.
Today was an endpoint to one of these conversational partners, the last one remaining of them, the very last meeting with the coach, the career coach. It took a while before I was really ready to throw myself into this, and well it took a while to find Mr Right For That too. But I think he's been a good one to grind things through with, and I sure have gotten many helpful, practical tips and hints on what to do and not while out there trying to find the perfect challenge for me, now.
Alas, it hasn't been a complete road to success finding a new way back to work, and at this last meeting he was just so very sweet, dumbstruck, frustrated over the fact that I haven't find what I've been looking for. He sprinkled so many superlatives over me, and the way we worked together, I sort of got speechless and didn't really get around to actually thank him. Ever so much.
Instead I sort of deliquesced out of there - and not only because today was a day with sky high air humidity - and felt a true bond with that very at ease, content, relaxed little me inside. But with an added soaring aloft feeling. Clouds absolutely nowhere to be seen. Here and now. Me.
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