Monday, September 12, 2011

the blue present


For a brief moment, with a big yellow rabbit in sight, I felt relaxed and reasonably happy in the moment. Back into another working week (which obviously isn't a working week for me) I'm just jaded and blue. I wish I was green and perky like the shoes I wore on big-yellow-rabbit-day - a pair which gave me a matching pair of bad blisters on each heel, I might have been stupid inaugurating them with no socks, but really the no-blisters-force have been with me before... - but again, like every week this past month or so, the jadedness remains.

If it had been the crazy woman and her behaviour only, then it might have been slightly more doable, but the complete and utter taking-advantage-and-lie-about-the-situation from the potential employer nastiness... That has taken its toll. I've always, and still I guess, considered myself a good judge of character, in this case I was taken for gullible fool. And felt like one in the end. Still I'm proud for saying no to being used as highly skilled cheap labour, again. But as overrated as jobs are, a reasonable and healthy income is not. And doing something you love is essential.

I'm so pleased to hear that my co-writer is in the zone, feeling focused and energized enough to write, to keep the firm anthropological point of view on stupid matters. Myself, I'm just too tired, too exhausted for it. I may be sitting, standing, walking, talking but I'm not really present. And as the spark has seen fit to be non-present too, I'm clueless as to where to go from here.

Wishing great shoes where enough, they may (are) definitely be (are) a part of a satisfying life puzzle, but some days you need so much more. Strange how that seems.

I was briefly awe-inspired/inspired by a discussion I saw about the documentary "I Am", it really does make lots of beautiful sense in so so many ways (I always feel such joy, if sadly brief, when I see, hear people talk about things I already feel in my heart). But where do you take it from 'simple' inspiration and a sense of connection to something greater?

Where do you find inspiration when jadedness has left you stuck in a blah rut? How do you keep your head above muddy waters? Where do you begin when you want the story you MUST tell to take the shape of a book? Any input, suggestions, ideas on a (green shoes) way forward from here is much appreciated.


Heather said...

I'm not sure that this is going to be helpful, but I've had countless days where I just want to say - 'screw it all' or 'what is the point' or 'where do I go from here'...

...and on those days and weeks and months...

I remember my mother. She was dying of stage 4 lung cancer and still got up everyday and went to work. It took her a half an hour to get out of bed and get down the stairs. She had chemo sickness and weakness from radiation. She frequently had hospital visits for blood transfusions. But she would not miss a day of work. I begged her to stay home, to rest. She still even cooked and cleaned and took care of all the daily house tasks. Why should she torture herself? My father could more than pay the bills, her salary had never been essential - just stop!

She said to me - The sun comes up everyday, whether I'm here to see it or not. Since I am, then I have to get up too. Life goes on, there are things to be done, and I will do them until I can no longer get out of bed.

She went to work, then went back into the hospital one last time.

There have been many times the problems in my life seem impossible to solve, many days I feel like I'm sleep-walking through my daily tasks, and so many moments alone when I just feel crushed and hopeless. But I push through because I know the sun will come up, whether I'm there to see it or not. But I'm here. And so I do. Even if I cry about it sometimes. (Like now.)

Elephant's Child said...

If whinging and whining about the things that bother me would change them, you would hear me without the need for a telephone. Since it changes nothing, I don't have the energy to devote to it. I pat the cat, wander in the garden, read and treat whatever is bothering me with ignore. Chocolate helps with a multitude of ailments too. Or a glass (not a bottle or a bucket) of nice wine.
I am hoping the sunshine comes out for you. Soon.

Angella said...

QUIT! Just quit this job that is sucking the life out of your body.

I worked a job that literally made me sick every night and then again every morning with the thoughts of what I was facing. I know what kind of strength it takes to turn your back on a source of income...but when you do, I will never look back. I don't know how your unemployment system works, there...but in the US I was denied assistance so I was forced even more to figure things out myself. When that is the only choice you do! I figured it out and I am so thankful every single day that I am my own boss and I am not forced to waste my life in misery.

I wish there were an easier way. Life is short. Too short to be unhappy.

Unknown said...

I make things when nothing is right.... Crochet, little house projects, whatever. I write songs, I record them, and get it out of my system. No one needs to hear them-- I just need to do it. I also find that the simple act of writing something (anything) can help when wanting to write something in particular, but can't quite wrap my mind around where I want to go with the idea. Keep the idea in the back of your head and start writing. Sure, you may end up tossing 90% of the writing, but that remaining 10% might well be the thing that you keep working on. Just think... A page a day equals 365 pages a year. A page a day. A whole book by next year. Wow. Hugs!

Blondi Blathers said...

Good for you for refusing a job that wasn't going to pay fairly. This summer I had an unexpected hiatus from my regular employment, and joined the online site to see what I could pick up as a freelance editor, proofreader or writer (I've been in the business for 11 years so have lots of experience). What a joke! Most of the people looking to hire writers are offering to pay about 2 cents a word— if that. It's insulting. And they want their 500-word article in a day, to boot. I just shake my head and hope that nobody, and I mean nobody, accepts these "jobs" under those conditions. Unfortunately inexperienced hopeful writers probably do; anything to see their names in print, and maybe it will pad their resumés in the search for work in future. More power to them if that helps; but they are being used, horribly.

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